I hate making small talk.

actually, i take it back. I hate when people make small talk with me.

“How is   [insert company name here]?”is like nails on a chalkboard for me.

really? i mean, really? are you REALLY asking me this question? i mean, come on, i don’t ask labor and delivery nurses how North York General Hospital is doing. wait… are you asking me how my entire company is doing like, say, financially? are you asking me how my entire company is doing, like, say, emotionally?

or are you asking specifics of MY JOB…what i do day in and day out? do you honestly care…or are you just trying to be nice? are you just looking for something to say?

because you have come to the right place! i can give you something to say! how about something you (and I) *might* actually care about……..

“Ali, did anything embarrassing happen to you this week?” (answer is always yes)

“Ali, are you going to get an iphone or a blackberry? and when in the sam hell are you going to get it?” (answer right now…iphone) (when i’m getting it? ask my husband…)

“Ali, what’s the last movie you saw?” (answer: Doubt. with my besties, saturday night. I forced them to go, which i am loathe to do, but i *think* they both liked it. fingers crossed)

“Ali, why are you obsessed with jeans? Do you have a favorite pair?” (answer: i get obsessed with things. right now it’s jeans. see previously: yoga pants. or hoodies. or puma. or see ali, circa 1996: Doc Martens. or see Ali, circa 1986: Cabbage Patch Kids) (answer: probably my True Religion Billys)

“Ali, what is your favorite cheese?” because people care about cheese, dammit. and not about your company. well, fine, she doesn’t care about cheese. (answer: i think, Guiness cheddar)

“Ali, tell me 25 random things about yourself) (answer: of course)

“Ali, what’s the funniest story you’ve heard this week?” (answer: THIS…courtesy of Dave, whose neighbor’s snowmen were vandalized AND he has video proof. but wait! the story gets better! one of the vandals lost his key in the snow and came back the next day to ask if the neighbor had seen it. bwahahaha.)

“Ali, who do you want to win the Superbowl? (answer: Steelers)

“Ali, are you planning to eat like a man tonight? (answer: YOU BET MY FAT PANTS I AM!! what you are looking at is beer #2, finished, and 13 wings, finished, before the game even started) (also? a hockey commercial…because good god, we watched IN CANADA, the land of the shitty Superbowl commercials)

“Ali, what are you going to do with your Superbowl winnings?” (i won $40 in the grid pool thing. does that shit have a name? or is it just called…grid pool? well, either way, i won $40. HOLLA!) (answer: buy my husband a superbowl hat. because he won our bet. i, STUPIDLY, gave him the spread on the game and even though i was right and said that the Steelers were going to win (huzzah!) the 6.5 point spread meant that i have to buy him an Arizona hat. ah, poo)

NEXT YEAR? he’s so not getting the spread.

that’s what she said

which brings me to my last question…

“Ali, what are you doing after the game?” (answer: watching The Office, of course) (ps. when Angela threw the cat up and it came crashing down…i LOST MY SHIT. holy crap, that episode was hilarious)