This morning in the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru I got a small coffee instead of my usual medium (which, by the way, why is everything in the states totally supersized? a medium coffee at DD is significantly bigger than a LARGE at Tim Horton’s. and the large at DD is, well, it’s trough-sized) (also, I pine for Tim Horton’s. pine.) Anyway, the reason for the smaller size was two-fold…firstly, I – like someone else I know – cannot, try as I might, finish any drink I ever order. It’s not the first time I have mentioned this. I have the best intentions, really, but I suffer from a sort of coffee ADD. I drink and it’s all well and good in its caffeine-y goodness and then all of a sudden I’m all “oh look! a bird!” and before I know it, the coffee is cold – and then either requires microwaving or requires replacement. So, today I thought, “let’s see what you can do with a SMALL! oh, yeah, self, you can totally down that puppy!”

and secondly, the husband came up with an idea to squandor away the small amount of money I save on the smaller size for something. for something. something I never thought he’d suggest; something that almost made me hump him right there in the parking lot, but, I know how awful this is to do on the internet…lalala I have news but I can’t tell you! but, you are going to have to wait for this one.

My sister arrives today at 11:40. I am so excited, I can hardly contain myself. Because not only does her visit mean that I will get to shop (for some Betty Draper-esque dresses, for I am determined to, like she does, wear shirwaist dresses and pearls everywhere, even to drive carpool) for the first time in too long to even calculate, but it’s my sister. She is the only other person on this planet who grew up the way I did, who understands how it’s nothing short of a mirable that we are upright and functioning members of society and not, you know, hanging out in some padded room somewhere. or, worse…

which, you know, speaking of wieners, we are planning to take the kids to the Braves game tonight, and the husband asks me and my sister…”do you guys want to sit in the $45 all-you-can-eat hot dog section?” which, of course, leads me to think: ASSHOLE! because, as my sister says, we don’t even know what he is insinuating…is he calling us fat? is she calling us pigs? is he saying we love wiener?

also, somewhat related to wiener…my daughter is taking HEALTH CLASS, which scared the ever-living shit out of me, but the first week of school, she came home with this pamphlet all about the heart and how important it is and all the things you can do to keep your heart healthy like exercise and not smoke so here I was all cocky-like (no pun intended here, folks) and thought…health class! it’s awesome! and then she comes home from school yesterday and says, “Mommy…our next unit in Health class is about sexical abuse! Mommy, what’s that?”

and then I died.

but not before I threw out my almost finished small cup of coffee.