November 26 04

…on Desperate Housewives…. but honestly, this reeks of that time on Beverly Hills, 90210 when “one of the main characters” was going to die. I remember sitting on the school bus discussing who we thought was going to be killed. and after all that discussion, it was Scott Scanlan…a measley sidekick of a B-rated cast member. BAH!

So, what the odds, people? Who’s kicking the bucket?

Edie – ID: The divorced hussy housewife.

Primary suspect: Mr. Shaw, a hit man who has been hired by Paul Young to kill his dead wife’s blackmailer, revealed last week to be Edie.

Odds she’s a goner: 2:1

As of last week, Edie’s atop the hit list. Also, Sheridan wasn’t signed on as a series regular, and what a great way for ABC to end that NFL Towelgate controversy.

Mama Solis – ID: The snoopy housewife mother-in-law.

Primary suspects: Gabrielle and John, who’d rather have Juanita die in her hospital bed before she reveals all to Carlos.

Odds she’s a goner: 1:1. Great actress and fun character, but expendable.

Gabrielle – ID: The philandering housewife

Primary suspect: Her husband, Carlos, whose mother, Juanita, lies in critical condition after being hit by a car soon after spying Gabrielle in bed with the gardener, John. Will Juanita spill the beans to Carlos? Gabrielle had better hope not.

Odds she’s a goner: 8:1. A huge loss to the show and fashion magazines everywhere.

Lynette – ID: The junkie housewife, addicted for two weeks to ADD medication.

Primary suspect: Any of the other desperate mothers on the playground Lynette has been hitting up for their kiddies’ meds.

Odds she’s a goner: 35:1. It took Dallas drunk Sue Ellen Ewing six seasons before she hit rock bottom. Lynette’s descent has only just begun.

Susan – ID: The clumsy housewife.

Primary suspect: Paul Young, should he learn that Susan and her daughter, Julie, sneaked into his son Zach’s institution snooping for info on Mary Alice Young’s suicide.

Odds she’s a goner: 50:1. Killing the star of TV’s No. 1 new drama would be sheer suicide.

Mrs. Huber – ID: The blackmailing housewife. Often compared to Mrs. Kravitz on Bewitched.

Primary suspects: Susan, who was blackmailed into buying groceries for Mrs. Huber after she discovered Susan had accidentally burned down Edie’s house. Or Bree, whose perfect lawn Mrs. Huber destroyed.

Odds she’s a goner: 3:1

It’s unlikely Susan is desperate enough to kill Mrs. Huber, but if Mrs. Huber was capable of blackmailing Susan, who else in the neighborhood might she have blackmailed?

Bree – ID: The obsessive-compulsive housewife.

Primary suspects: Her husband, Rex, and teenage kids Danielle and Andrew, who all can’t stand Bree, especially after she kicked the kids out of the house last week. With Andrew having plowed down Juanita with his car, the family could kill Bree, pin the hit-and-run on her and have the spotless house to themselves.

Odds she’s a goner: 25:1. Housewives without Bree is like … well, Melrose Place without Heather Locklear. Pointless.

My money is on Mrs. Huber. She’s boring and brings nothing to the story. Or possibly Mama Solis, although this would make things way too easy for Gabrielle. I think they want you to think that it’s Edie, but there’s no way they are giving up Nicolette Sheridan so quickly. definitely not when she’s just starting to get interesting.

(special thanks to USA today)

  1. A few notes:

    Edie – seems too obvious – but she is totally expendable in terms of story line.

    Mama Solis – they would have just killed her of last week with the car. Her daughter in law cheats – but is not a murderer. Nothing doing. Also… you’ve got her as 1:1 odds. I’m assuming that’s a typo. You can’t be 1:1 odds unless you’re it 100%. Stamped it. Locked it. No ‘rasies.

    Gabrielle – Kill the only hot chick? I don’t think so. I’d be done with this show before her dead limp carcass was in the grave. No way.

    Lynette – Still too much storyline surrounding her. Never.

    Susan – Nope.

    Mrs. Huber – it’s got potential in a “scott-from BH90210” lame-ass kind of way.

    Bree – Too critical of a character. Oh, and by the way… never compare this frigid, red-headed, barely 4-out-of-10, skin pulled too tight, lumpy bodied, housewife to my Heather…

    Comment by Giblet on November 26, 2004
  2. i stand corrected. 2:1 odds.

    i don’t think gabrielle will kill her – she’ll probably die in the hospital. and it will be a race to see if she can tell carlos before she takes her last breath….

    Comment by Ali on November 26, 2004
  3. I loved your commentary on DH. Perfect!

    Comment by Dorothy on November 26, 2004
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