Sometime this afternoon, after I had shoved an amazing bagel down my gullet, I found myself in the back of my brother’s van, headed to the movies with my three lovely little nieces. I had no idea what we were seeing, although I was pretty convinced it wasn’t My Week With Marilyn. It turns out it was a movie called Journey 2: The Mysterious Island.
I’m guessing there was a Journey 1, although I’m not sure if the kid from The Hunger Games was in it, as I really only know him forever now as THE KID FROM THE HUNGER GAMES, and the movie hasn’t even come out yet (Move over Frodo Baggins, Edward Cullen and Harry Potterâ€”there’s a new typecast in town!) I also had to try to imagine Vanessa Hudgens not singing with Zac Efron. Also, I had to imagine her with some actual PANTS, because I am fairly certain all I saw on the damn large screen was the perineum of Miss Hudgens.
What? The wardrobe department could only find her HALF a shirt?
(I guess they were shopping at Forever 21…)
(I guess I have officially become my mother.)
But, by far the most distracting thing about the movie was The Curious Case of The Rock’s Nipples.
It was like that time when all of those braless pictures of Britney Spears came out and her nipples were pointing towards the ground and you actually had to turn your US Weekly magazine onto its side to try to confirm your beliefs that gravity had indeed not been kind to poor Brit-Brit. Also, Jennifer Aniston in every episode of Friends ever.
Seriously, those things should get top billing on imdb for this movie, because, seriously, I couldn’t see anything else.
Flying on bees? Nipples.
Finding underwater submarines? Nipples.
Playing the damn ukelele? Nipples.
Cuddling tiny elephants? Nipples.
Helicopter crashing? Nipples.
Walking on actual eggshells? Nipples.
WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS ERECT?
WHY DO THEY FACE DUE SOUTH?
WHY ARE THEY DOWN AROUND HIS BELLY BUTTON?
Do not even get me started on how in one scene he makes them dance.Â He makes them rhythmically bounce and dance while he has people bounce fruit off of them.
I wonder if he has ‘bouncy, talented nipples’ on his resume or his Twitter bio. Because he really should.