April 30 12

I’m—mostly—okay with my old lady tendencies. Other than the poor circulation part—I could do without the constant cold extremities part of basically being a senior citizen. I mean, think about it. I eat dinner at 5:30pm, you guys. Early-bird special? Don’t mind if I do! I yell at no one in particular when a hoodlum races down our street too quickly. I often use the phrases “Oh my heavenly days” and “Heaven’s to Betsy” and “Hell’s Bells.” I complain about the lower back pain I am suffering from spending too much time on my feet working a baby show. I have a tendency to love the cardigan. Occasionally, I talk—at length—about digestion.

I often look ridiculous while wearing the latest trends.

In the evenings, I’m happy to crawl under my covers to watch some crappy tv or laugh at how painfully bad and unintentionally hilarious the Fifty Shades trilogy is and, well, laughing at how unbelievably rad this site is. (Thank you, lovely lady, for introducing this into my life. It will never be the same.)

(Alas, you still have to wait for my inspiring! awesome! review! of this series, as I still have about half of the third book to finish. I know, I’m a slacker…but it’s this whole having kids thing. They are totally cutting into my COMEDY PORN time.) (Credit for that goes to the lovely Heather Spohr.) COMEDY PORN, kids. COMEDY PORN.

So, back to how I’m an old person.

I was recently invited out with two lovely mostly single women. And in my head I was all, “Yes! We can drink coffee and look at books and then go home and crawl into bed and watch Bones!” They had a very different idea for me…one that involved drinking libations and wearing cuter shoes and driving to a remote location where parking can be problematic and they didn’t even want to leave the house until 10pm.

10PM, you guys!

You know what I’m usually wearing a 10pm?

I’ll give you a hint…it rhymes with MAJAMAS.

And then yesterday, we had these big plans to go bowling and I was all

I am from Wisconsin! I can do this! I’m the king of the world! (Or least of the beer and cheese and bowling shirts!)(Did I ever tell you that in high school, a boy stole a pair of bowling shoes for me..like, as a gift? To, you know, impress me? I guess that’s how they roll in the Midwest. Get it? ROLL. Oh, like you have never made a ban bowling joke in your life.)

And then once 8pm rolled around I couldn’t help but wonder if our friends might not prefer to just hang out in comfortable clothing and eat desserts and play Settlers of Catan.

The good news, kids, is that I haven’t busted out the Mrs. Roper muumuus yet, and I still have all of my teeth, I still wear thong underpants, I haven’t done the shorts and socks thing yet, and I don’t love pudding.

ALSO, I don’t wear beige undergarments. Please don’t ever let me wear beige undergarments.

I’m not ready to be a full-fledged elderly person.


  1. 10 pm!! are they out of their minds? I like being a fogey. It’s very relaxing. You can still wear Toms so you look cool with your cardi. I can’t wait to read your review of 50 Shades. Mine’s already up 🙂

    Comment by mara on April 30, 2012
  2. OMG the tumblr is COMPLETE comedy porn awesomeness!

    Comment by Jana A (@jana0926) on April 30, 2012
  3. My friends and I once had a House Dress Spa Party. It was pretty much the best idea for a party ever.

    Comment by Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] on April 30, 2012
  4. WAIT. Do you own a house dress? (please say no)

    Comment by ali on April 30, 2012
  5. Do I currently? No.

    Did I have to go to Walmart in search of a House Dress? Yes.

    Comment by Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] on April 30, 2012
  6. I started reading Fifty Shades of Grey last night and I was cringing through the first chapter, because I wrote a better first chapter in grade six, but MY book never got published and because this… pheonomena? WHY? Maybe I have consumed too much porn in my life, or something? But wait. I am only on chapter two, so I can’t fully judge this book. But based on what you and some other people are saying… hooooboy. Of course, just like I cringed through and fell IN LOVE WITH the entire Twilight series, I’m sure these books will be hard to put down… sigh.
    As for beige… sometimes a beige bra is a MUST, though, right? What else do you wear when you wear white on top?

    Comment by Loukia on April 30, 2012
  7. Haha.

    I have a really great pale purple color that looks great under white, surprisingly.

    Comment by ali on April 30, 2012
  8. Haha! I am so happy I found your blog. You are hilarious. I feel the same way. When a friend suggest going out to a bar at 10pm I pretty much say are you kidding, at 10 I’m wearing Pajamas and taking my Lunesta. If G-d is good my oldest will not come in to wake me until at least 7, but its just as likely it will be 6.

    Comment by Corey Feldman on April 30, 2012
  9. Someone has suggested that the Fifty Shades of Grey book is something I should read and parody soon.

    Comment by Avitable on April 30, 2012
  10. You made my day with that 50 Shades of Suck tumblr. Thank you.

    Comment by Sweetney on April 30, 2012
  11. I was wondering what you wear under white too. That’s the only reason I have beige undergarments.

    Also, on Saturday, my friend asked me to go out with her for her sister’s birthday and we were meeting at 9:30. And I was like “can we meet somewhere before, like at 8?” Because there is no way I can start my night that late.

    Not too surprising, we were the first ones to go home.

    Comment by Kristabella on April 30, 2012
  12. Did you read my response to Loukia about the purple? Also, I never wear white bottoms EVER, so it’s really only for bras.

    Comment by ali on April 30, 2012
  13. Yes, that was my way of saying I read that response. 🙂

    And when I read the title I was like “well, of course she doesn’t, since she doesn’t wear white bottoms.” You would need beige with white bottoms, which I will continue to wear when I’m around you just cuz.

    Comment by Kristabella on April 30, 2012
  14. I was out Saturday night and all I could think about was getting a tea & reading. I’m a super blast!

    Comment by Kelly on April 30, 2012
  15. When I was single, I NEVER left the house before 10pm, and nothing really fun happened before 11pm.

    Now? I’m often asleep by 10pm.

    Comment by Lucia on April 30, 2012
  16. I was invited to a post-Juno party this year, which 20 years ago would have been super cool, but because it started at 11pm, I was really more put out that I wasn’t in bed asleep. I’m old too. I’m ok with it.

    Comment by Candace on April 30, 2012
  17. OMG…I am on the floor laughing so hard, just checked out the 50 Shades of Suck…..Oh Em Geee!!!!!! Have not read the books yet!
    Great getting to know you a bit on the weekend, and in doing so, realize how you must have felt to go out at 10:00pm to do anything other than recline.
    Hope you had a fabulous time regardless, I also wear a light purple under light or even diaphanous tops, who knew!

    Comment by Nerina on May 2, 2012

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