My name is Ali and I have a problem.

I am way too emotionally attached to fictional characters.

It’s true. 

And it’s bad, you guys.

I need, like, an intervention.

Also, do not get me started on what happened this week…when I casually started flipping the channels and pregnant paused on The Young and the Restless and couldn’t keep going. The pregnant pause turned into an hour parked in front of my television screen. OFF THE GODDAMN WAGON. I had given up my love for the soap about a year ago and swore that I’d never go back—the show was too crazy, too over-the-top, too much of a time-waster, and mostly, it just made me too angry. When you find yourself yelling at a soap opera character…that’s when you know you really have a problem.

But I guess there are worse things. I don’t really drink and I don’t drink diet coke. I have to have something, people.

RIGHT?

So. Well, Now that I got that off of my chest, there are a few things we need to talk about.

Thing #1: Amber Holt. Okay. I don’t remember when I first started liking, nay, loving Amber Holt. Sure, Mae Whitman is not the Rory Gilmore to Lauren Graham’s Lorelai Gilmore, but she is kind of an amazing and believable character, possibly one of my favorites on television right now. It took a while for her to grow on me, and it may have something to do with her somewhat unfortunate wardrobe choices and her somewhat questionable hairstyle decisions, but she is awesome.

Observe:

Oh AMBER.

Despite this obvious character flaw, I have grown to love her.

Also, she knits. Also, she is a really good crier.

But you know her cousin Haddie? I kind of want to punch her in the face.

Because, so, I know I am probably the only one on earth, but I was kind of digging Amber’s budding relationship with her boss and politician Bob Little. Probably because I am a fan of relationships that should not ever happen ever. Probably because I am a fan of Jonathan Tucker (THE BLACK DONNELLYS 4EVA!). Probably because it was the first time I saw Amber really and truly happy—their banter was adorable—and it was lovely to see someone with some actual chemistry because her mother Sarah and John Ritter’s son kind of have little-to-no chemistry. At best. Maybe it’s because he’s not Luke Danes and he doesn’t live in Stars Hollow.

(Sidebar: John Ritter’s son and Tom Hanks’ son will forever be John Ritter’s son and Tom Hanks’ son. I cannot help it.)

So, obviously, just as things are going to be all romantical and lovely for Amber, her stupid cousin has to be all, “Amber! You are going to Sacramento with your boss and you are taking the stripper shoes?!?!? How could you! Let me go and run to my mom and call her mama and then totally rat you, my cousin, out!” What the hell, Haddie? No one likes a shit disturber. And seriously…it’s not like Haddie has been the best at that small thing called MAKING GOOD DECISIONS. Also, how could any of Amber’s wardrobe choices surprise Haddie? I mean, REALLY. Did the red hat tell you nothing, cousin?

And don’t think I don’t take issue with Whiney Kristina here either. FINE. Bob’s a politician. Fine. He’s Amber’s boss. Fine. He’s also Kristina’s boss. Fine. He’s significantly older than Amber. Fine. I get these things. But Kristina went and hopped in her car and jet-setted to Sacramento (while leaving, you know, her baby who was ever-so-conveniently not in the scene…) to break this up? Really, Kristina? Why didn’t you, you know, all Amber’s mother?

Enraged, I am.

Thing #2: Dan and Blair

I am a fan of this.

I know that you are not.

I don’t care.

Thing #3: Johnny Keyser

Okay, American Idol, here’s the deal. I watched Hollywood round, even though you aired an entire episode that may as well have been called Contagion 2.0 because there was not a single bit of singing in it…but rather had a tremendous amount of someone screaming, “DO YOU LIKE COPS?” and an excessive amount to vomit. But still, I watched. Because you promised me the best season yet and there was hope for some singing in the future because you know, you are a singing show. And, well, there was Johnny Keyser.

Until you decided to make extra cuts after you already made some cuts, sending home people like Colton Dixon’s sister, which, WHAT? 

And in the final 3 minutes of the show, you had Ryan Seacrest’s voiceover tell us that we also said goodbye to Johnny Keyser.

What?

Why?

Because he was a fan of hot tubs? Because he didn’t get the Idol Stomach Flu? Because he needed some dress shields for his audition? Shenanigans!

And then, Idol, you went and teased us. You added a SURPRISE! twist to the game by telling us you were bringing back a 13th boy to add to the mix…would it be the gentle giant? Would it be the cowboy? Would it be Mr. Steal your Girl? Would it be JOHNNY KEYSER?

And, to no one’s surprise at all, The Gentle Giant was brought back to sing a horrible song and to probably go home tonight.

Well played, American Idol, well played. 

Please tell me that I’m not the only one who sometimes YELLS AT HER TELEVISION.

Please.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who is way too emotionally attached to fictional characters.