March 5 08

Ali is off someplace warm and lovely and I* am here, dealing with unspeakable horrors – and lucky you guys, I’m going to share them with you.

(*Beck, from Frog and Toad Are Still Friends)

We have a long room table that sits at the end of our long living/dining room, right in the bay window nook. It was an anniversary gift from my in-laws, and is a lovely light birch table from Ikea with matching chairs that have – this is important for the story – woven wicker seats. Or something – grass? straw? Some sort of fabric that the Very Dumbest of the three pigs would have joyously seized upon to build his doomed house. If you have cats and your cats have claws (and why do your cats have claws? BECAUSE YOU – meaning me – ARE A SUCKER.), they WILL seize upon straw seats like this as a lovely gift to them from the Mysterious And Stupid Humans and they WILL scratch the crap out of them.

My husband and I had recently been talking about de-strawing the chairs and replacing the seats with something substantially less cat tempting, although we haven’t been talking about sending the cats down the road with their wee hobo bundles slung over their backs because a) we’re suckers and b) we’re fond of the little furry morons. The most damaged of the chairs had a small hole, and this was the chair, perched behind the table, that The Baby (who will be three in two months) was cheerfully sitting on this morning when this story begins. 

The Baby is potty training, as I have mentioned. In order to facilitate easy potty usage, she was wearing a dress and that was it, although she had added a pair of kicky orange boots to her ensemble and was sitting at the table happily colouring with some markers. “I drew on my boots!” she wailed. I absent-mindedly told her to go wash them off, and she scuttled off to the washroom, where I could hear her cheerfully scrubbing her beloved orange boots.

She came back, looking downcast, and told me that she couldn’t take it all off, and showed me her boots to illustrate. IT. WASN’T. MARKER. It was another, more primal substance, one she manufactured herself. 

Like a character in a particularly grim horror movie, I arose from my desk and walked around the dining room table. (cue horrifying strings RIGHT HERE) There, sitting wetly upon the damaged wicker seat, was a mound of feces, suggesting that a bear or possibly a Great Dane had suddenly been seized with the need to relieve themselves whilst visiting my charming home.

I let out a wild cry and The Baby shrieked “SOMEBODY POOPED ON DA CHAIR!” Yes, indeed. I wonder who that was? The chair was unsalvagable, utterly ruined. My father – who I had been talking to on the phone while this whole grim debacle played itself out – cheerfully suggested bringing over the pressure washer, which caused me to give The Baby the phone. “Mama is MAD!” she whispered into the receiver as I scrubbed and cursed under my breath. 

Meanwhile, Ali is sipping drinks on some warm tropical beach and I am thinking, wistfully, that it might snow again today AND I’m wanting to have a shower that lasts at least an hour. And for future reference, “I drew on my boots” and “I POOP on my boots” sound an AWFUL lot alike. You may want to note that down.

  1. Oh no!!! No, baby, no!!!!!

    Kathryn’s last blog post..WW- Mending a Broken Heart

    Comment by Kathryn on March 5, 2008
  2. ACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Horror of unimaginable horror. I can not imagine finding that pile. No No No.

    Comment by jill on March 5, 2008
  3. I’m skipping breakfast now. 😉

    Comment by Pastormac's Ann on March 5, 2008
  4. That is an UGLY post.

    Comment by susiej on March 5, 2008
  5. Hey – two of my favorite bloggers in one! Hooray! “Kicky orange boots” sounds like Ali.
    Ummm…yuck. There’s no other word.

    Cristan’s last blog post..Eat, Pray, Barf

    Comment by Cristan on March 5, 2008
  6. ew is right!

    my son is wearing nothing but a but a pair of batman underwear while he sits at the kitchen table–it think it is time for a trip to the potty!

    christine’s last blog post..a post asking how you can earn money while not doing a damn thing and about how stay at home mommy guilt is killing me

    Comment by christine on March 5, 2008
  7. Note taken! I’ve also made a mental note to provide undies to my kid during potty training. LOL – cute story!

    Visit me @

    Mom On The Run’s last blog post..Heating Up The Firefox

    Comment by Mom On The Run on March 5, 2008
  8. The poop on the chair — that’s ugly… not the post… and — this site is cool, with all the cute icons… not ugly.

    Comment by susiej on March 5, 2008
  9. Oh NO!!!! I’m dying for you. And dying LAUGHING! Not at your situation. But your retelling of it.

    You slay me!

    Lynette’s last blog post..A Warning for Travelers

    Comment by Lynette on March 5, 2008
  10. Yup. That’s an “EW”. BTW, my daughter would never be able to let one slip by me like that. She’s all grunty and red-faced every single time.

    Comment by Mad on March 5, 2008
  11. You told me on the phone, but even so, reading it was just terribly hilarious. I think the best part was, “SOMEBODY POOPED ON DA CHAIR!” That Baby, she’s a character.

    Kyla’s last blog post..I made someone cry yesterday.

    Comment by Kyla on March 5, 2008
  12. Oh I laugh because this sort of thing happens to me ALL THE TIME! Glad its finally not me. ;o)

    Colleen’s last blog post..Wordless 5

    Comment by Colleen on March 5, 2008
  13. I bet Mama was mad! She certain sounds like she might be resisting this whole deal.

    I wish I could throw a dress on the Certain Little Boy for potty training. Alas, his father will rent him the Little Mermaid, but I don’t think he’d agree to the dress. . .

    Heidi’s last blog post..Crazy 8’s Meme

    Comment by Heidi on March 5, 2008
  14. WOW! That is really awful.

    We have carpet in our kitchen…that is just lovely when potty training and eating as well.

    Kelley’s last blog post..Spring Fever

    Comment by Kelley on March 5, 2008
  15. Oh…wow. I’m SO scared to potty train Mr. Blue now.

    Comment by Alison on March 5, 2008
  16. oh hilarious!

    chickadee’s last blog post..Favorite Thing # 3 Pictures

    Comment by chickadee on March 5, 2008
  17. Beck,
    I stalked you over here to read your post, and all I can say is eeeuwww!
    That Baby! They say the 3rd one will do you in.

    Susan’s last blog post..Sending out an SOS… (Imagine Sting singing it- it’s better that way)

    Comment by Susan on March 5, 2008
  18. Oh Beck, the perils of pottie training 🙂

    Chantal’s last blog post..My heart aches

    Comment by Chantal on March 5, 2008
  19. Oh my gosh…I am still laughing. I really, really needed a laugh today! Well, nothing like a child to force your hand into doing something about those chairs. Good luck.

    Stacey’s last blog post..Experienced Blogger help needed

    Comment by Stacey on March 5, 2008
  20. Ack!Tthat is SO awful! But you know…at least she didn’t blame it on the cats….and now you have an excuse to get new chairs…?

    Comment by bren j. on March 5, 2008
  21. Oh I’m so sorry but that is so stinkin funny. I only say that because I had multiple finger painting ala poop episodes when my twins were toddlers.

    Alane’s last blog post..Toilets & disposals – urgh!

    Comment by Alane on March 5, 2008
  22. Dear Lord, Beck. I’m sending you a new chair.

    PS: Alane (above me) said “stinkin’ funny,” which I found amusing. Stinkin’? Poop story? I like it.

    janet’s last blog post..The Phone Call

    Comment by janet on March 5, 2008
  23. OH, I’m so sorry Beck but I’m laughing so hard I am crying right now! Just throw the chair away and pretend the whole day never happened!

    Peanut Butter and Je’s last blog post..Brothers Don’t Shake Hands…

    Comment by Peanut Butter and Je on March 6, 2008
  24. Oh, sweet mercy.

    I am sorry – I don’t know you but I’m giggling over here 🙂

    Comment by Angella on March 6, 2008
  25. I have this horrible picture of the poop being squeezed through the straw chair like the meat grinder in Sweeney Todd…yuck.

    nomotherearth’s last blog post..Mis-Monikered?

    Comment by nomotherearth on March 6, 2008
  26. Oh no! Lmbo! That is so funny, but it is funny in a way that really isn’t but really is, you know? 😉 I don’t even want to begin potty training, I think I will hold out as long as possible! 😀 I can’t imagine potty training one child, let alone the two little rugrats I have!

    Comment by Meagan on March 6, 2008
  27. Just don’t attempt payback by telling her first boyfriend this story. 🙂

    Comment by Stacy on March 6, 2008

    Ahhh. We all have to laugh at our “Scatastrophes” don’t we? And others’ as well. 😉

    Sarcastic Mom’s last blog post..Fatten The Assen

    Comment by Sarcastic Mom on March 6, 2008

    Poor poor you. Poor poor Ikea furniture.

    AlphaDogMa’s last blog post..Now Why Would You Wanna Do That?

    Comment by AlphaDogMa on March 6, 2008
  30. Its like Goldilocks and the Three Bears gone horribly terribly worng.

    Comment by crazymumma on March 8, 2008
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