The Anatomy of an Alimartell Tan - Cheaper Than Therapy Cheaper Than Therapy

June 28 10

The Anatomy of an Alimartell Tan

Saturday.

Today is the day. Today is the day my milky white, Cullen-esque skin is going to see the sun and some color is going to stick. It’s going to happen. Today. Yes. Today.

[insert application of SPF 30 here]

I feel hot. I must be burning.

[insert application of SPF 50 here]

My nose is red. My back is red. My cheeks are red.

[insert application of SPF 100 here]

I am totally tan! Wheeeeee!

I get up to the room and strip naked in frantic search for tan lines.

Nothing. My nose is red. But there are no tan lines to speak of.

OH WAIT!

There IS some color. On my ears. Hello, sunburn!

Sunday.

My nose is no longer red. My ears are no longer burnt. I look like a Cullen again.

Well, then, TODAY is the day alimartell gets a tan.

[insert application of SPF 30 here]

I feel hot. I must be burning.

[insert application of SPF 50 here]

My nose is red. My back is red. My cheeks are red.

[insert application of SPF 100 here]

I am totally tan! Wheeeeee!

I get up to the room and strip naked in frantic search of tan lines.

Nothing. My nose is red. But there are no tan lines to speak of.

Monday.

I have never been this white in my life. But, you guys, TODAY IS THE DAY.

Tan day.

[insert application of SPF 30 here]

I feel hot. I must be burning.

[insert application of SPF 50 here]

My nose is red. My back is red. My cheeks are red.

[insert application of SPF 100 here]

I am totally tan! Wheeeeee!

I get up to the room and strip naked in frantic search of tan lines.

Nothing. My nose is red. But there are no tan lines to speak of.

TOMORROW. Tomorrow is definitely going to be the day.

Filed Under

the girl behind the screen

Comments

12

Hahahah this is me too!! Except I can at least walk away with like a gazillion freckles, but no tan. Unless you count all the freckles as a tan, just clumped up instead of those nice lines 🙂 Enjoy the sun!!
Comment by Katherine on June 28, 2010
I’ve given up. If I don’t lather up with sunscreen, I’ll burn. Badly. Peeling skin off in clumps badly.

So I just buy my tan in a can.
Comment by Miss Britt on June 28, 2010
I’m the same way – either burnt or white.

I’m with Britt – tan in a can. Or embrace the pale! Like the Cullens!

Also, at least you know you won’e get skin cancer!
Comment by Kristabella on June 28, 2010
Skip the tan and spare your flawless skin. Trust me on this one.
Comment by Tamara on June 28, 2010
Same here. Any color on me is either red or pink as it fades…never brown or tan. I’ve becomes friends with Jergens Natural Glow and it helps a little.
Comment by LZ on June 28, 2010
Be thankful! I tan gorgeously with little effort. And now at 44 have the age spots all over my hands and legs to damned well prove it! Get a sunless tan, no damage done all good.
Comment by Poppy on June 29, 2010
You need to use the sunscreen that’s also a bronzer so you can fool yourself for longer.
Comment by Avitable on June 29, 2010
now, how does Avitable know about such things?
Comment by gorillabuns on June 29, 2010
Today is the day i pay a stranger to spray a tan on me!!
Comment by moosh in indy. on June 29, 2010
Start with SPF 15, if you can’t find it. It’s like a needle in a haystack of 100SPF. After an hour, move up to 30 spf. You’ll get a tan w/o burning. Or at least this white girl who burns does.
Comment by Heather on June 30, 2010
I’m intrigued by the spray tan option. Hmmmm.

(I burn like you do.)
Comment by Angella on June 30, 2010
Since I live in perpetually sunny weather, I often return Canada inspiring great disappointment in others about my lack of a tan (but like Katherine, increased freckles). I point out that I am definitely a darker beige. My pale friends get it and see the change in hue. Also, got one of the worst sunburns IN CANADA during the last weekend of September at a fall fair, where no one was packing sunscreen, believe me I asked every mom with a diaper bag. Oh the irony.
Comment by Kelly on October 18, 2013