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please come and sell me chocolate. i will buy a dozen.

the girl behind the screen

11 Jul

i wish more Jehovah’s Witnesses came knocking at my door.

no, really, i do. (you can stop laughing now) i’m fascinated by religions in general and love to pick at the brains of the religiously inclined. i love to hear about what and why they believe. i mean, i come from a family full of jews, atheists, agnostics and pentecostals all living under one roof…see? fascinating.

but, alas, i don’t get any witnesses. all i get are the stinking neighborhood kids trying to sell me the candy.

(hahaha)

fuck.

i mean, it’s easy to say no to people trying to sell me religion. but the people trying to sell me an 8-foot-long kit kat? i just can’t say no. and! it’s a bargain! eight long feet of pure kit-kattedy goodness for only $85! and it’s for a good cause!

i just can’t say no. and then instead of buying one…i buy 6. i’ll support the blahblah school. i’m out. of. control. it’s chocolate! it’s right at my door! M&Ms. Reese’s. Coffee Crisp. Hershey Kisses. Mars. Smarties.

STOP ME.

yesterday, however, these two little girls showed up at the door. selling freezies.

freezies.

(um, ew)

i SO didn’t want one. where was the chocolatey goodness?? i want my box of goods, damnit!

(ps. Chocolate Town? what? that’s almost as bad as calling your company Brown Town. hi google searches)

“um, hi, um, we are, um, selling, um, freezies, for, um, like, the youknow, poor people?”

what? the like um youknow poor people? what? where’s the chocolate damnit? you could tell me you were raising money for your own selfish desires and i would buy your chocolate. but this crap? no way.

so. i panicked. and said,

“I’m just the babysitter. and i don’t have any money. can you come back a little bit later?”

the girls did a look-over. they gave me the up and down. they knew i was lying. they could see me sweating. so, i slammed the door. and then i realized how they knew i was lying. i was the “babysitter” who clearly makes herself quite at home…

hahah.

give me chocolate, damnit.

40 Comments

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Comments

  1. Katie says

    July 11, 2008 at 9:24 am

    Ha ha, nice try! But freezies? Really? Those girls have to come up with something better than freezies if they want to make any money!

    Katies last blog post..Keep These in Your Back Pocket

    Reply
  2. manager mom says

    July 11, 2008 at 9:26 am

    Well, if you are looking for a little love from some religious zealots, come over my way. I get ’em all. They must think that I’m extra damned or something.

    manager moms last blog post..Anatomy Of A Bathroom Visit

    Reply
  3. SciFi Dad says

    July 11, 2008 at 9:30 am

    eight feet of kit kat?!?

    eight feet?!?

    Reply
  4. gorillabuns says

    July 11, 2008 at 10:29 am

    a babysitter with some awesome lounge pants.

    Reply
  5. Matthew says

    July 11, 2008 at 10:35 am

    Now I know who to hit up when my kids start selling that crap.

    “Let’s see how many chocolate bars “Auntie Ali” will buy, kids!”

    Reply
  6. Cristan says

    July 11, 2008 at 10:50 am

    Hahaha! I usually try the old “No Eeeeng-lish, please”, line…doesn’t work, either.

    Cristans last blog post..I saw something scarier than the sharks at the Aquarium today.

    Reply
  7. Giblet says

    July 11, 2008 at 11:07 am

    Now if they’d called the company “Land of Chcocolate” we’d be on to something…
    Mmmm… chocolate dogs…

    Reply
  8. She Likes Purple says

    July 11, 2008 at 11:31 am

    Regardless of the, um, name, I could totally use a box of Chocolatetown.

    She Likes Purples last blog post..What You Should Know About Me…

    Reply
  9. AJ says

    July 11, 2008 at 11:37 am

    I’ve used the ‘I’m just the maid’ thing with telemarketers, but never in my pjs on the front porch. LOL That’s classic!

    And seriously, freezies? Door to door? Ew.

    We had plenty of JWs show up at the door when I was younger. My dad (the Baptist preacher) would greet them, listen to their talk, then refuse to take their literature unless they took his. No JW left our house without a good ol’ Southern Baptist tract in their pocket. lol

    Reply
  10. Camels & Chocolate says

    July 11, 2008 at 11:44 am

    Hahahahaha, that is awesome.

    Also, Jehovah’s Witnesses always remind me of Where the Heart Is (did you see the movie?), and also the time that two chased me down the street pelting me with Bibles on my university campus, even after I already told them I was, indeed, going to Heaven. But I don’t think I have to tell you about the religious Crazies in the South.

    Mmmm, chocolate. Judging by my blog title, I’m sure you can tell my weakness there 😉

    Camels & Chocolates last blog post..A Neighbor Even Mr. Rogers Wouldn’t Like

    Reply
  11. Assertagirl says

    July 11, 2008 at 11:51 am

    ahahhaha poor girls having the door slammed in their faces. I HATE door-to-door solicitors. I never have cash when the good ones come around, either.

    Assertagirls last blog post..The obligatory pre-BlogHer post.

    Reply
  12. Kristie says

    July 11, 2008 at 11:54 am

    Are those doughnuts on your pants?!?! Awesome.

    Kristies last blog post..I need a favor from you, Internet

    Reply
  13. Megan says

    July 11, 2008 at 12:05 pm

    I would have taken the Freezies over the crap we get in our neighborhood. Quit trying to sell me magazines and newspapers! Edible crap is a much easier sell.

    Megans last blog post..Things I don’t get.

    Reply
  14. swirl girl says

    July 11, 2008 at 1:25 pm

    that’s why god invented peep holes.

    Only open for UPS man delivering my monthly wine shipment.

    Reply
  15. DoodleBunz says

    July 11, 2008 at 1:27 pm

    Yeah, I live near ChocolateTown, and its as cheesy as it sounds. But when its going to rain, omgoodness it smells so fabulously good. You can seriously just about gain weight by inhaling.

    DoodleBunzs last blog post..Trivial

    Reply
  16. jennster says

    July 11, 2008 at 1:29 pm

    LMFAO- omg, i’m dying! HAHAHHAA… love it.

    and ps- your boobs look AMAZING!

    jennsters last blog post..i’m a foul mouthed dirty whore

    Reply
  17. LAVENDULA says

    July 11, 2008 at 2:12 pm

    hahaha! Ali you are so funny.and the strangest thing kids have tried selling me.pixie sticks.and one was already opened umm no thanks!

    Reply
  18. Lissa says

    July 11, 2008 at 2:22 pm

    I don’t even know what freezies are! And I LOVE candy!

    Reply
  19. autumn dahlia says

    July 11, 2008 at 2:49 pm

    We’re like, raising money for kids that have, ya know, like cooties and stuff.

    Reply
  20. Loralee says

    July 11, 2008 at 3:18 pm

    wanted to put a big sign on my door that says,”ARE YOU A GIRL SCOUT? RING THE DAMN BELL, BEETCHES! I NEED ME SOME THIN MINTS!”

    My husband said no, though.
    Party pooper.

    Loralees last blog post..Um, okaaaaaaaay. I guess it’s fine as long as it doesn’t develop into some oedipal complex thing…

    Reply
  21. Backpacking Dad says

    July 11, 2008 at 3:23 pm

    I miss freezies (Mr. Freeze :} )

    Out here it’s Otter Pops and they just aren’t the same.

    My wife has noticed that there are a lot of “Mr” things in Canada.

    Mr. Freeze. Mr. Sub. Mr. Noodles.

    Backpacking Dads last blog post..Suburbanity and the Future

    Reply
  22. Angella says

    July 11, 2008 at 4:11 pm

    Next time tell them you are the nanny. More plausible 😉

    Angellas last blog post..Introducing Myself

    Reply
  23. mamatulip says

    July 11, 2008 at 4:29 pm

    LOLOLOLOLOL.

    Reply
  24. Nap Warden says

    July 11, 2008 at 4:32 pm

    I am so out of the loop…What is a freezy?

    Nap Wardens last blog post..Orville…Step Aside.

    Reply
  25. Miss says

    July 11, 2008 at 4:36 pm

    OK what the hell is a freezie? is that some weird canadian food?

    Nice PJ’S! Makes me want to jump and the couch and watch a movie with you!

    Misss last blog post..Things that need to be said

    Reply
  26. heather says

    July 11, 2008 at 4:37 pm

    OK Canada, what are freezies? I have never heard of them.

    Your donut po-jammy jams are awesome, by the way.

    heathers last blog post..Traffic Jam

    Reply
  27. Haley-O says

    July 11, 2008 at 9:05 pm

    mmmm….kitkat….

    And, now you can see what you’d look like with short hair! great pic!

    Haley-Os last blog post..Don’t Get Me Started

    Reply
  28. Hockeyman says

    July 11, 2008 at 9:42 pm

    I’d mail you some but it may be nasty when it got there…;)

    Hockeymans last blog post..Daddy Date Night Thursday

    Reply
  29. monstergirlee says

    July 11, 2008 at 10:01 pm

    I keep making myself No Solicitor signs at work but never get around to putting them up at home. I really hate that sort of thing.
    I do however fall for the candy sellers at the office 99% of the time. I like the chocolate covered carmel. mmmm…

    bte – love the jammy pants. seriously I do. yum!-

    monstergirlees last blog post..Ocean Snag

    Reply
  30. Britt says

    July 12, 2008 at 9:28 am

    This reminds me… I bought a Subway card from a fundraiser last year, and the girl never delivered it. I want my ten bucks back!

    I usually tell the kids that my little brother is selling candybars (or whatever) for his school, too, and I already bought some from him. It works every time.

    Britts last blog post..The Parable of the Morning Glory

    Reply
  31. Kristabella says

    July 12, 2008 at 12:20 pm

    This is why I live in an apartment with a buzzer that I can ignore.

    Kristabellas last blog post..The Extent Of My Political Discussion

    Reply
  32. Mike says

    July 12, 2008 at 12:56 pm

    I used to live with an Asian guy and had these two Mormon missionaries coming by my apartment FOR WEEKS trying to talk to him. It turned out it was their mission to seek out Asians in Los Angeles to spread the word to. I finally ended up telling them that my roommate, despite having the last name “Lim,” was actually Italian. Smooth, aye?

    Mikes last blog post..Sick Watch: Day 2

    Reply
  33. Teena in Toronto says

    July 12, 2008 at 7:00 pm

    We live on a busy street and there is always someone knocking on the door looking for $$.

    Teena in Torontos last blog post..Camera Critters

    Reply
  34. ohmommy says

    July 12, 2008 at 9:57 pm

    Yesterday I bought two tubs of frozen chocolate chip cookie dough in support of our high school marching band.

    Score. Should have bought two more though.

    Reply
  35. Christine says

    July 12, 2008 at 10:20 pm

    Stop by my place anytime…our street faces the Watchtower/Canadian Headquarter for JW’s.
    It’s about a 2 minute walk.
    It amazes me that they still come by so often. Same old guy with a really young guy…

    PS – I’m on my second chocolate bar as I type this.
    yum…meeee!

    Christines last blog post..

    Reply
  36. Rebecca says

    July 13, 2008 at 8:51 am

    HAHAHAHA.
    I am on the Frequent Visit List for the Jehovah’s Witnesses – you can just see the hope in their faces that any moment now, I’ll convert.
    Oh well. They’re rather sweet.

    My husband works for a company where everyone but him and another designer are Jehoavah’s Witnesses – and it’s a lovely work enviroment.

    Rebeccas last blog post..

    Reply
  37. Redneck Mommy says

    July 13, 2008 at 1:42 pm

    Heck, I’d give anything for ANY one to knock on my door out here in the sticks.

    I’m starting to lose my mind a bit with only having the kids to talk to.

    But um, whatcha gonna do if they ACTUALLY come back? LOL.

    Redneck Mommys last blog post..For The Love of A Good Power Mower

    Reply
  38. Multi-Tasking Mommy says

    July 14, 2008 at 7:21 am

    YOU are absolutely hilarious…the baby sitter…LOL!!! Good one 🙂

    Reply
  39. anne nahm says

    July 14, 2008 at 8:45 am

    Lol! I think you’ve stumbled onto The Universe’s grand design somehow. I’m not sure what the message is, except the one you don’t want/can’t resist is what inevitably shows up.

    anne nahms last blog post..Food Porn: Carrot Edition

    Reply
  40. Milf Soup Fan says

    August 31, 2008 at 6:04 am

    Hey, just stoped to say that I like the way you write…You made my day 😀 Thanks for this! –NaNCY–

    Reply

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About Ali

I am a writer, a mama, a wife, a lion tamer, a diet coke quitter, a juggler, a getter-of-drinks. Read More…

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