May 8 12

I feel like I don’t ask much from my body. I mean, I’m fairly good to it. I feed it more good-for-it stuff than bad-for-it stuff. I gave up Diet Coke more than a year ago—cold turkey. I move it on a regular basis. I even just bought it TWO bikes this week. I dress it nicely and groom it rather regularly. Ahem.

And yet.

Asking my jaw to not click and pop when I chew?

Obviously overstepping because good lord, I’m now officially on an elderly person’s diet, minus the boiled chicken. Soft foods + painkillers. Oooh, my life is all thrills, I tell you.

I’m being punished for something, I know it.

SO, what is it?

Watching Degrassi without shame? Having inappropriate dreams about David Boreanaz? Not flossing enough? Looking at too much real estate porn? Letting my kids watch Dance Moms? Coveting Kelly Ripa’s dresses and arms and hair? Not liking chocolate? Watching Mad Men episodes three times to make sure I get every single tiny bit of subtext? Having too much rage again Zack and Cody? Having not enough rage against iCarly?

Embarrassing my children by singing my indie folk music—loudly—with the car windows rolled down? Going to bed too late? Mocking 50 Shades of Grey? Believing the radio when they told me that LOST might be returning to TV? Only learning how to pronounce acai this past week? Wanting the whole “ALL THE THINGS” thing to die and whining about it too much on social media?

Being too jealous of all of the old men driving MY Alfa Romeo? Not owning an umbrella? Not knowing how to dance? Owning a pair of jorts? Loving Cher? Wanting to grow thick Brooke Shields eyebrows? Quoting too many ’80s movies? Not liking the park?


And while you’re at it, you may as well pass the pudding. And the oatmeal.

Or, you know, I could do what normal people do and go to the dentist and get this stupid jaw looked at.

Or I could just eat soft foods forever. And whine on Twitter. 

  1. Well, I blame all my teeth/mouth woes on the fact that I must have murdered a family of dentists in a former life.

    Comment by Kristabella on May 8, 2012
  2. Craaaaap. Now I’m wondering if I have done that too.

    But almost all of my best friends are dentists and oral pathologists and orthodontists…Surely I should get rewarded, not punished. No?

    Comment by ali on May 8, 2012
  3. You might actually want to start with a chiropractor. I have jaw problems that are caused by scoliosis, not dental issues, and I hear that’s pretty common. So it might just be your spine instead.

    Comment by Denika on May 8, 2012
  4. They always talk about Catholic guilt, but I think its the Jews that started it. You should go to the dentist.

    Comment by Corey Feldman on May 8, 2012
  5. OMG! I have this, and it is awful. All you need is a mouth gaurd for at night. Was contemplating surgery to help until I did the mouth gaurd thing. Seriously better… only misbehaves now once in a while.

    Comment by deborah on May 8, 2012
  6. I have that too and wear a super sexy mouthpiece at night because apparently I clench my jaw when I sleep. It has helped and I’m not relegated to the old person diet anymore.

    Comment by Amanda on May 8, 2012
  7. I’m pretty sure it’s the Brooke Shields eyebrows.

    Comment by Sharon on May 8, 2012
  8. Well, that’s good…since I can’t actually grow them. Heh.

    Comment by ali on May 8, 2012
  9. Initially I thought it was the lack of flossing. But upon closer evaluation, definitely Dance Moms. For sure.

    Comment by Nelly on May 8, 2012
  10. i am going to google what a “jort” is right this minute. hope the clicking gets fixed cause it kinda makes me squeamish (and i’m married to an orthdontist!)

    Comment by Louise on May 8, 2012
  11. Me too. All I want is to wrap my jaw around a huge sandwich, but knowing if I do my jaw will lock and stay wide open.
    Serves me right for never believing my Mom when she told me if I made a face it might stay that way.

    Comment by Kelly on May 9, 2012
  12. Been there. So NOT fun.

    And also? “Having inappropriate dreams about David Boreanaz?” … guilty as charged.

    Comment by Mrs. Wilson on May 9, 2012
  13. He never did anything for me.
    And then I started watching Bones.

    and then..OH MY GOD.

    Comment by ali on May 9, 2012
  14. So. Freaking. Hot.

    Comment by Mrs. Wilson on May 11, 2012
  15. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Clearly, it’s the chocolate and the 50 Shades of Grey thing. Naked David Boreanaz can only use it’s power for good – not evil.

    Comment by Beth on May 9, 2012
  16. It’s definitely NOT the Bones David Boreanaz, that’s for damn sure.
    I have something very similar and it’s super annoying. However, it does get me out of the whole oral pleasuring moments with my husband. That’s kind of worth the clicking.

    Comment by Gamanda on May 9, 2012

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