While my first-born is off in the holy land doing important things like climbing Masada with her cousins

and eating shawarma the size of her head…

I thought I’d give you a little taste of what WE, at home, are doing as she’s climbing a fortress:

6:45. Alarm goes off. Ali hits snooze.

6:54. Alarm goes off. Ali hits snooze.

7:03. Alarm goes off. Ali hits snooze.

7:12. Alarm goes off. Ali hits snooze.

7:13. Ali wakes up Josh. Good morning, starshine! The earth says HELLO! (from Hair. or Willy Wonka. Either way) Josh sleeps.

7:15. Ali wake up Isabella.

7:17. Ali wakes up Josh, again.

7:18. Ali gets Isabella dressed. Isabella cries. Isabella undresses and redresses in something more to her liking.

7:19. Ali wakes up Josh, again.

7:20. Isabella brushes her teeth, destroys bathroom.

7:21. Ali wakes up Josh, again.

7:22. Ali picks Josh up by his ankles and carries him to her room.

7:25. Everyone is finally dressed.

7:26. Indy goes out. Breakfast. There are tears because the cereal Isabella wants is finished and the cereal Josh wants is only allowed on weekends. Cry, cry, cry.

7:28. Isabella needs to pee.

7:29. Isabella drips on her underwear. Isabella goes upstairs to get new underwear.

7:30. Ali gets Isabella dressed. AGAIN.

7:32.

“Josh, where are your shoes?”

“Josh, where is your hoodie?”

“Josh, where is your kippah?”

7:33. Josh shrugs. He doesn’t know.

7:34. Ali looks for Josh’s shoes.

7:35. Ali looks for Josh’s hoodie.

7:36. Ali looks for Josh’s kippah.

7:38. Ali lets Indy in and crates him.

7:39. Ali asks Josh to get his shoes, his hoodie and his kippah on.

7:40. Ali is still waiting.

7:42. Ali is still waiting.

7:44. Ali is still waiting.

7:46. Josh needs to pee.

7:48. Van. Finally.

7:50.

“Turn on the movie!”

“No! Don’t turn on the movie!”

“I’m freezing!”

“I’m freezing!”

“BElla farted!”

“No, I didn’t!”

“Yes you did!”

“Shut up, Josh! No I didn’t! It was you!”

“Oh, that’s right. It was me.”

“Isabella, we don’t tell people to shut up. That’s not nice.”

7:52

“Mommy, I decided that if God comes and talks to me, I will be happy, but I don’t want him to come in a burning bush. Just a regular old bush.”

“Bella, you are so stupid. God won’t talk to you because you like Codename: Kids Next Door.”

“Josh, we don’t say people are stupid. That’s not nice.”

“Mommy, I think you are speeding.”

“Josh, we are sitting in traffic. I’m not even moving.”

“Well, still, you shouldn’t speed. It’s against the law.”

“Thanks, Josh. I appreciate the tip.”

7:53

“Mommy, I’m thirsty.”

“I’m sorry, Isabella. I don’t have a drink.”

“Yes you do.”

“No, Isabella. I don’t. That’s an empty coffee mug. And it’s your dads. I have no idea how long it’s been there.” (I know exactly how long it has been there. 3 weeks. I refuse to remove it from the car.)

“But, I’m so thirsty. My throat is closing up.”

“I am sorry, baby. I don’t have a drink.”

“Well, can I have some gum, then?”

“No. You can’t.”

7:54

“Turn on the movie!”

“No! Don’t turn on the movie!”

“I want to watch Toy Story!”

“I want to listen to Thriller.”

“Oh, yeah, I love that. The zombie song. Put on the zombie song.” (note: she is NOT scared of zombies. She is scared of God)

7:55

“I need coffee.”

“Coffee is bad for you, Mommy. It will make you stop growing.”

“Bud, I’m pretty sure that I’m done.”

“You are going to be a midget forever, then?!?!?”

“Yes, Josh. I guess I am.”

“AWESOME!”

7:56

“Have a great day, Josh! Don’t miss me too much!”

“I won’t miss you at all, Mom.”

“Brilliant. That’s exactly what I meant.”

7:57: Ali tries to make a left turn out of the school.

7:58: Ali tries to make a left turn out of the school.

7:59: Ali tries to make a left turn out of the school.

8:00: Ali tries to make a left turn out of the school.

8:01: Ali tries to make a left turn out of the school.

8:02: Ali tries to make a left turn out of the school.

8:03: Ali tries to make a left turn out of the school.

8:04: Ali tries to make a left turn out of the school.

“Mommy! Let’s go! I am going to be late!!!!!!”

8:07: Arrive at Isabella’s school. Ali puts Isabella’s gloves on. Isabella takes them off. Isabella puts them on herself. Ali grabs Isabella’s backpack. Isabella screams that she wants to do it.

8:08:

“Goodbye, my love. Have a great day!”

HUG

8:09:

“Goodbye, my love. I am leaving now.”

HUG

8:10: Ali pries Isabella off of her. AND RUNS TO HER CAR.

I am pretty sure that Emily is getting the better end of this deal. I’d really like to be climbing Masada and eating Shawarma right now.

Or at least drinking coffee.

Since I am going to be a midget forever, and all.