1. We took advantage of the gorgeous weather here this week, when we could. Many of the days we are here – FIVE – involve Passover holiday-ing it, which involves being unplugged and also involves a tremendous amount of eating of things that I am not at all interested in eating (PASSOVER CAKE)(MATZAH) but yet I eat them anyway because for reasons beyond my control the minute I walk into my mother’s house I am unable to stop stuffing my gob. (Emotional eating, ftw!)
But Thursday, you guys, was LOVELY.
We stopped at Winkie’s and let the kids each pick out a $1.99 kite and we headed to the lakefront for some kite flying, which was lovely in theory, but if you learn anything from me, friends, it is this…SPEND A LITTLE EXTRA ON YOUR KITES so that they will last more than 8 minutes and you will get more than 2 usable shots.
2. It’s probably best not to wish that you lived on a lake like your parents. Because moments after I was marveling at this scene…
…Isabella took it upon herself to go spelunking in the lake in search of her dropped frisbee. Now, we were all out there watching her, and she has taken many, many, many dollars worth of swimming lessons that I wasn’t really worried for her – she was treading her little heart out. But the split-second it took for the husband to jump fully-clothed in the water to fetch her out, my heart STOPPED. My baby was in the water, and she was scared.
He fished her out and we threw her into a bath to clean the sand from all of her crevices, and the whole time she’s saying things like, “MY HEART IS BEATING GAGAGAGAGAGA! This was the WORST EVER! And if Daddy hadn’t been such a superhero and come to my rescue, I would have GONE DOWN MOM. Like the TITANIC. Also, please don’t make me ever be a lifeguard like Spongebob.”
3. It’s probably best not to get into arguments with your mother while she is WASHING raw chicken because you *might* end up with salmonella. My mother, I will tell you this right now, is one of the smartest people I know. She knows her shit, which is why it surprises me when she drops the occasional BAZINGA on me. Like, remember the time she tried to convince me that my MY VERY VISIBLY GREEN EYES ARE GREY? They are green. There is always at least one of these for every trip to Wisconsin. This trip’s? WAIT FOR IT…
Me: Mom, you shouldn’t be touching those things…you are making everything all raw chicken-y.
MyMom: Oh, don’t be silly. The chicken is cold.
Me: Excuse me?
MyMom: This chicken is straight from the freezer. The freezer kills everything. There’s no bacteria in this chicken.
Me: Oh really? So you would take a bite out of this raw breast right here?
MyMom: Don’t be silly. I don’t eat raw chicken!
WHAT? I felt it best at that point to walk away and not bring up the fact that this is entirely FALSE. But, you know, this was not an argument I was going to win, no matter how much information I gave her about salmonella lasting for 7 years in ice cream in a freezer and about cross-contamination and oh my god, this is an emetophobe’s nightmare and oh my god, I can never eat raw vegetables at my mom’s house again. Which means only one thing – MORE PASSOVER CAKE AND MATZAH. And in case you didn’t know, there is such a thing as too much passover cake and matzah, and my gut has recently informed me that I have had too much and that is why my body is in a current state of feeling very much like a turducken.
But at least I’m a salmonella-less turducken.