There is a ladybug problem at my mom’s house. It’s like we’re in Egypt…if ladybugs were frogs. Or something. (Please excuse my Passover brain. Those 8 cups of wine and two tons of matzo that are currently violating my liver and my belly were much more exciting on the way in). Anyhoo. They are everywhere. In the toilets. In the bedrooms. In the window sills. In the sinks. On the floor. And you know what I did just last week? I told my 4-year-old that ladybugs are actually beetles, but people think they are all awesome and shit because they have black spots, but really they are just spotted beetles and we really shouldn’t like them all that much. That was clearly not the smartest thing I have ever done. Jesus, you try to teach your child something and then it comes back to bite you in the ass because now she’s terrified of ladybugs and is currently living for the next week in a house filled with them and guess where she’s sleeping right now? WITH ME. IN A BLOODY TWIN BED. Well, most of me is sleeping in the twin bed. My ass, however, is draped over the side of the bed and now I’m all twisted and achy like an 85-year old woman and need a tremendous amount of Robaxicet to add to the tremendous amount of ex-lax I am going to need before this week is over.
So, for the last 48 hours we have been unplugged. No computer. No iPhones. No Blackberries. No DS. No cars. No TV (NO LOST OMG!) No coloring. In the last 48 hours I have learned many things.
1. Apparently my mom needs to watch the Star Wars movies again. I came downstairs and she turns to me and says, “Wow. You look just like Jabba the Hut!” Which, you know, a less thick-skinned person would have taken offense to. But, I am going to assume that because I was wearing my hoodie hood over my head that she was talking about someone a little bit less offensive.
2. I hate playing SPIT with Emily. Dear god I hate it. I would rather volunteer to take Josh to a public bathroom than sit and play endless amounts of spit with my children. She is both Â a sore winner and a sore loser. So, really, all I’m left with is a sore back because she insists on playing on the floor.
3. $6.99 Passover Manischewitz cake mixes are fairly tasty; almost delicious, as far as Passover cake mixes are concerned. The coffee cake is especially non-passover-ish tasting. BUT, $6.99 Passover Manischewitz cake mixes leftover from last year? NOT DELICIOUS.
4. I should never buy wine. Or, really, I should never buy a $33 bottle of cab from a place called Kosher Meat Klub, because chances are good they have added about a $30 markup to the wine and it’ll taste like ass. Or as my husband says, what cheese would taste like if it had an asshole.
5. Because I overpacked us all WINTER clothing because weather.com told me that it was going to be in the 40s all week, today was HOT and we all boiled and sweated through our clothing so we weren’t even able to enjoy the lovely weather.
6. I really really really want to watch LOST.
7. Back-to-back Seders that keep children up until after midnight should be outlawed. I mean, really, next year I am adding a fifth question to The Four Questions and while Isabella is singing her jaunty tune for the world to hear where she asks why on this night we eat matzo and dip vegetables and eat bitter herbs, she will also ask WHY THE SEDER CAN’T START AT 5PM so on this night she doesn’t have to be completely miserable for an entire vacation because my child and tired? NOT A HAPPY COMBINATION.
8. Don’t ever try to put pink ballet slippers on Isabella’s Nurse Barbie without first checking to see if Nurse Barbie was actually a female (he wasn’t)(even though he was wearing red lipstick) because Nurse Barbie may lose his legs in the process and Isabella might cry.
9. Kosher for Passover diet coke tastes NOT A DAMN THING like regular diet coke.
10. Introducing HER to her very first seder was awesome.