May 1 09

almost exactly a year ago, almost exactly to the day, I wrote about the husband going in for a second hockey-related hand surgery. three years ago, he had the hook of the hamate removed on his left hand. and then last year he had the hook of the hamate removed on his right hand.

hamatehookfracture

of course, I got all cocky on all of you and said this:

the good news, of course, is he won’t have any hook of hamates left to break. he’ll have to come up with an entirely new hockey injury!

which, of course, you HAD to know at that point. Hell, *I* should have known.

It turns out that the best hand surgeon in Toronto left a piece of bone inside the husband. a bone that he went in to have removed yesterday. best my sweet ass. So, now he has become the only person EVER to have hook of hamate surgery THRICE.

the surgery went well. (praise be the socialized medicine in canada)

this surgery has become so old hat for us that I actually left for work yesterday and totally forgot. and then, of course, felt like a colossal ass when I received a text message that said this: THANKS FOR WISHING ME GOOD LUCK.

crap, now there’s no way he’s going to be sharing those percocets.

you HAVE to see my husband on percs. It’s wild. He will be dead asleep in bed and then bolt upright in bed and say something like “oh my god! we need to leave! we need to get out of this place. rightnowlet’sgothehouseisburning. it’s on FIRE!” and then fall back asleep. It’s all very Reagan MacNeil meets Roawn Atkinson in Rat Race.

but, truth be told, sleeping beside my husband is kind of always like this.

I’m. so. scared.

blai-witch

early in our marriage he told me several stories about what he had done in his sleep….talked to shavers thinking they were CB radios, drank OIL when he thought it was juice, punched holes in his ceiling. (yes. actual holes. my god. and of course he told me these things AFTER we were legally bound to each other. smooth)

but, of course, that didn’t prepare me for the night I woke up to find him on all fours, hovering ON TOP of me, trying to calm ME down and tell me that I was going to be fine, I just needed some juice or maybe a candy. Because, apparently, my blood sugar was low. WHA? and then likethat he turned over and went back to sleep. and i spent the entire night AWAKE. i spent the entire RESTOFMYLIFE awake.

heh.

I kid.

mostly.

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  1. Poor husband – I hope that he recovers from the surgery ok! And, I was dying of laughter hearing about all these nocturnal adventures. I have a good friend who sleepwalked when she was younger…when we were in high school, the cool thing was to wear this brand of pajamas that was basically like an adult-size sleeper. One night she woke up, on the toilet, still fully clad in her sleepers – she’d peed right through them. Awesome. And gross.

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    Comment by Jen on May 1, 2009
  2. maybe he’s a mutant.

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    Comment by SciFi Dad on May 1, 2009
  3. Hand surgery hat-trick!! ::tosses baseball cap on the keyboard::

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    Comment by WickedStepMom on May 1, 2009
  4. OK, that is fucking hysterical! I think sleep talkers and sleep walkers are the funniest.

    One time I was asleep and tugging at my sister sleeping next to me, pulling on her blanket, yelling “GIVE ME MY SLEEPING BAG!”

    I guess I was pissed at her in my dream.

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    Comment by Kristabella on May 1, 2009
  5. OMG that last thing – the hovering over you thing, is completely freaky.

    My husband used to talk in his sleep and every once in a while move around and it’s SO freaky. I used to wake him, with some effort.

    Since he’s changed careers and is happier with his job, it stopped entirely. Isn’t that strange?

    Amy @ Milk Breath &s last blog post..Why It’s Best Not To Be Famous In NYC

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    Comment by Amy @ Milk Breath & on May 1, 2009
  6. Maybe he dreaming of Steel Magnolias and he was playing the part of M’Lynn to your Shelby.

    (and in light of today’s hair catasrophes, let me quote from this great movie – “Oh, my God! Shelby was right! My hair DOES look like a brown football helmet!”)

    fadkogs last blog post..i hope we can still be friends, though…

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    Comment by fadkog on May 1, 2009
  7. hahaha!that is so freaky.so can you talk him into giving you tons of money or other things when hes like that?

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    Comment by LAVENDULA on May 1, 2009
  8. brutal! at least he has a third hand to pleasure you with, my dear.
    (doing my best to leave perverted comments. perverted comments are the new black.)

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    Comment by Karen Sugarpants on May 1, 2009
  9. OMG ROFL. Too funny!! I was actually LOLing at this one!

    Mike constantly talks in his sleep. He mumbles about work and has put his arm across me saying “Whoa! Whoa!” and then I have to physically MOVE him. LOL

    Love you! Miss you!

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    Comment by sam {temptingmama} on May 1, 2009
  10. Looks like you got a real winner there! ;) I KID. WE LOVE THE GIBLET!

    Anon woke up in the hospital yesterday — on meds — and started talking about what I should do to make things easier for myself on Word (i.e., the computer program…Anon is brutal on computer!)

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    Comment by Haley-O on May 1, 2009
  11. Holy shit, I’d be terrified to wake up to that too.

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    Comment by Tatiana on May 1, 2009
  12. Ain’t it great to know that you’ll be with this man FOREVER? :)

    Mine woke me up one night patting me up and down. When I groggily asked what he was doing, he said, “I’m looking for the amulet! Have you seen it? It looks like this one.” When he realized he wasn’t wearing anything at all, much less an amulet, he muttered, “oh, never mind.”
    And yes, I still married him after that. I’m such a chump.

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    Comment by Nenette on May 1, 2009
  13. You need to capture this on video somehow…

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    Comment by Angella on May 1, 2009
  14. He re-enacted a scene from Steel Magnolias on you? Did he call you Shelby? Holy shit that is WILD.

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    Comment by katie ~ motherbumper on May 1, 2009
  15. Well, you can’t say he doesn’t keep you entertained!

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    Comment by Kaleigha on May 1, 2009
  16. I am laughing so hard at Motherbumper’s “Did he call you Shelby?” comment that I can’t remember what I was going to say.

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    Comment by mamatulip on May 1, 2009
  17. This makes me laugh because my poor husband can totally relate to you. I am the crazy sleeper. I sleepwalk, sleep-talk, have sleep seizures, sleep-punch, etc. Poor guy.

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    Comment by hillary on May 1, 2009
  18. Okay, how come everyone else has fun, crazy trips while on heavy medication? All I do is barf and pass out, which isn’t nearly as amusing as your husband’s outbursts.

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    Comment by MonsteRawr on May 1, 2009
  19. I’m actually have a ton of trouble with carpal tunnel in both hands, thanks to poor posture and 20-hour days of late. Going to see a physiotherapist but hoping I don’t have to have eventual surgery, too!

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    Comment by Camels & Chocolate on May 1, 2009
  20. That part about your husband’s antics was the best way to end today. My coworkers are wondering what’s wrong with me, b/c I’m laughing so hard I have tears streaming down my face.

    And I’m totally showing this to my boyfriend the next time he bitches about my sleeping antics.

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    Comment by tutugirl1345 on May 1, 2009
  21. My wife puts up with me occasionally having bizarre night terrors, including thinking that she has a giant spider on her face and trying to convince myself that I should not smack the spider because if it is indeed fake I’ll be hitting her in the face.

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    Comment by Avitable on May 1, 2009
  22. Love the Blair Witch pic…so funny!

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    Comment by Kimberly on May 1, 2009
  23. The sleep talking and moving would freak me out!

    My sister woke one night to find her husband crawling around the bedroom, looking for the Viet Cong (he spent 2 years in Viet Nam). Now THAT would scare the shit out of me!

    Joanies last blog post..If I Were A Rock Star

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    Comment by Joanie on May 1, 2009
  24. So this is why you were totally cool when I said I have all kinds of GI wackiness during my sleep.

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    Comment by slynnro on May 2, 2009
  25. Oh the stories I could tell about my hubby & his weird dreams.

    Good luck!

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    Comment by Heather on May 2, 2009
  26. Finally! Someone who understands!!! My husband does the same types of things! He’s wrestled dressers, broken lamps, attempted to “dry the walls because the paint is dripping”, tackled me in my sleep to “protect me from cats”?? The best is when he thought I was a patient sleeping in his bed (he works in the O.R.)
    WTF?? It seems to be when he’s stressed out at work. I’ve gotten used to it, but insisted on a King size bed. Nice to know I’m not alone! At least it makes for good comedy at parties.

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    Comment by Suzanne on May 2, 2009
  27. My husband doesn’t seem quite as wild as your nighttime performer, but one time when I got up to pee in the middle of the night, he jumped out of bed and started throwing our bedding off and shouting something about leaking pipes. You see, I was making the sound effects of leaking water, and he was drooling, so waking up with a wet face and with the sound of his wife peeing in the background, he had the perfect reason to think our roof was caving in from water damage.

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    Comment by Britt on May 3, 2009
  28. that’s some scary shit.

    rainos last blog post..I know, I suck

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    Comment by raino on May 3, 2009
  29. Sounds like, uh, quite the interesting night.

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    Comment by Chris on May 4, 2009
  30. Wow, that’s absolutely crazy!!! Your poor dh!

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    Comment by Bethany on May 4, 2009
  31. It has been a while but I have gotten up in the night and gone for a pee while asleep, luckily the wife always leaves the toilet seat cover up!

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    Comment by Mik on May 31, 2009
  32. OMG!!!! I know this is a year later, but I literally spit out my wine at dinner in a PF Chang’s when I read this, hilarious!!!!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Kindra on May 20, 2010
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