It’s official. I am the only person on earth who doesn’t have a smartphone. My mother – the woman who is the president of a giant company but does not know how to open an email attachment – called to let me know that she is officially the proud owner of her very own iphone. wha? and I, well, I’m still on the Zack Morris wireless network. the same one I was on in 1995, when I got my first cell phone.

Only that phone used to give me messages. I need Ace Ventura to come and exorcise my poor cell phone’s demons.

It rings when there’s no one there. It changes its ringtone without asking me first (and then I find myself at the mall all goddammit someone’s cell phone is ringing, are they not ever going to answer it, and then I’m all, oh yes, it’s mine. I’m an asshole. but I know that I would never choose to have my phone set to the “hello moto” ring without being ironic. possessed. it’s the only explanation, obviously) It doesn’t give me messages when there are messages and then once in a blue moon I’ll see a little envelope icon pop up and then I get excited because I have a message (you like me! you really like me!) and then I log into my voice mail and have 47 new messages and they are all from Argentina the waxer wondering why in the hell I never return my calls. If only, Argie. If only.

I want an iphone. good lordy I want one. I NEED one.

well, that’s a lie. I definitely don’t need one. but, it would be nice to be able to check my email, or locate my husband, or make a phone call, or send a text message (that I know will reach the recipient before November), or tweet from inside a movie theater (imagine! it’s a new world!) or you know that app where you can hold your iphone up to a song that’s playing and it’ll tell you the song? ooohhhh. yes. oh, and the tip calculator? yes. oh, that the one that tells you where the closest clean public bathroom is? neeeeeed.

(I take it back. I definitely NEED one)

(You hear that APPLE?)

(or BLACKBERRY?)

But, it’s only when faced with losing my Zack Morris phone when I realize how much I do, in fact, depend on him, no matter how bitchy he behaves. My service is being turned off this week because, well, if you haven’t heard, I am moving to another country. BUT, what this means is that not only will I be the only person at blogher without a smartphone…I will be the only person at blogher without ANY phone.

but don’t worry…you will be able to find me.

but I’ll have a nicer rack. I promise.