July 3 09

It’s official. I am the only person on earth who doesn’t have a smartphone. My mother – the woman who is the president of a giant company but does not know how to open an email attachment – called to let me know that she is officially the proud owner of her very own iphone. wha? and I, well, I’m still on the Zack Morris wireless network. the same one I was on in 1995, when I got my first cell phone.

zack morris

Only that phone used to give me messages. I need Ace Ventura to come and exorcise my poor cell phone’s demons.


It rings when there’s no one there. It changes its ringtone without asking me first (and then I find myself at the mall all goddammit someone’s cell phone is ringing, are they not ever going to answer it, and then I’m all, oh yes, it’s mine. I’m an asshole. but I know that I would never choose to have my phone set to the “hello moto” ring without being ironic. possessed. it’s the only explanation, obviously) It doesn’t give me messages when there are messages and then once in a blue moon I’ll see a little envelope icon pop up and then I get excited because I have a message (you like me! you really like me!) and then I log into my voice mail and have 47 new messages and they are all from Argentina the waxer wondering why in the hell I never return my calls. If only, Argie. If only.

I want an iphone. good lordy I want one. I NEED one.

well, that’s a lie. I definitely don’t need one. but, it would be nice to be able to check my email, or locate my husband, or make a phone call, or send a text message (that I know will reach the recipient before November), or tweet from inside a movie theater (imagine! it’s a new world!) or you know that app where you can hold your iphone up to a song that’s playing and it’ll tell you the song? ooohhhh. yes. oh, and the tip calculator? yes. oh, that the one that tells you where the closest clean public bathroom is? neeeeeed.

(I take it back. I definitely NEED one)

(You hear that APPLE?)


But, it’s only when faced with losing my Zack Morris phone when I realize how much I do, in fact, depend on him, no matter how bitchy he behaves. My service is being turned off this week because, well, if you haven’t heard, I am moving to another country. BUT, what this means is that not only will I be the only person at blogher without a smartphone…I will be the only person at blogher without ANY phone.

but don’t worry…you will be able to find me.


but I’ll have a nicer rack. I promise.

  1. Well, you need AT LEAST a blackberry at blogher. And if you can’t get one in time, you can ALWAYS borrow mind if you need to tweet. We all know how irresistible a tweet craving is…. 😉 (for me, at least – I’m an emotional tweeter. HA!)

    Comment by Haley-O on July 3, 2009
  2. I meant MINE. You can alway borrow MINE. (not mind) Seriously.

    Comment by Haley-O on July 3, 2009
  3. You DO need it. I’ll sign the petition.

    And the app of which you speak is Shazam! Perfect name for it 🙂

    Comment by Angella on July 3, 2009
  4. I thought I was the only person without a smartphone!

    Conveniently, I just managed to lose my phone in a cab, so I’m buying an unlocked blackberry off of ebay. Really excited. Mostly excited, like Ms. Cheaty, to be able to tweet from Chicago!
    .-= Emma´s last blog ..Summer times =-.

    Comment by Emma on July 3, 2009
  5. I am a Blackberry widow. Dave has one and I swear to god, he sleeps with it at night and cleans it with a diaper. He loves that fucking thing.

    At first I was jealous of his Blackberry (he calls it his FrankenBerry, because he took two broken BB’s to make his one working one), but now?

    I’m fucking JEALOUS.

    I want one.

    Comment by mamatulip on July 3, 2009
  6. I don’t have a smartphone.
    See, don’t you feel better?

    Comment by sara on July 3, 2009
  7. So what you’re saying is that if I lose you at Blogher, I’m going to have to send out one of those obnoxious “I’m so cool I know Ali Martell, where is she?” tweets? FUCK THAT.

    Comment by slynnro on July 3, 2009
  8. If I could find my extra SIM card for my work iPhone, I’d be happy to let you borrow it while at BlogHer. I may unearth it while I’m packing all my stuff to move the weekend after BH.

    And at least we all know you’ll be cell-phone free, so we can use the buddy system when we put out Ali APBs.

    Comment by Darcey on July 3, 2009
  9. You NEED an Iphone. There is an application called Have2Pee. Shows public bathrooms in the vicinity you wish. So many applications we sometimes ask “Can the Iphone open this bottle of wine?” and it is so smart it almost could!

    Comment by Linda on July 4, 2009
  10. I’ll bring the fixings for smoke signals.

    Comment by Avitable on July 4, 2009
  11. I need one too. NEED.

    I am without smart phone too friend. But I can tweet with my numeric pad, that’s about it.

    I have been BEGGING for one for MONTHS. I am dying for one. I could go ON and ON about this.


    Comment by sam {temptingmama} on July 4, 2009
  12. BEST (possibly-drunkness-induced) idea ever: How ’bout we get matching screenprinted shirts made up with all our faces on them? And then if we lose you, I can just point to your face on the shirt, and ask people, “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS HOT GIRL?”

    I really should be patenting this shit.

    Comment by metalia on July 4, 2009
  13. When my husband first got his Blackberry, I despised it purely because it cost us an extra $20/month. But after having my ass saved by it on multiple occasions, I’m now willing to admit that I desperately want one. (Just not to him.)

    Comment by MonsteRawr on July 5, 2009
  14. Um, how the hell are we going to get in touch before BlogHer? Or our shopping day of fun the week before BlogHer? What did we do before cell phones??

    Comment by Kristabella on July 6, 2009

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