For a little context, I will admit this here right now: I read the entire Twilight series in 4 days. I basically ignored my children while ignoring the ridiculousness that was the series and enjoyed the entire damn thing. I was entertained by the whole thing, even though Bella Swan was insufferable and there was far too much murmuring for my tastes.
What I’m saying here, folks, is that I get the ENTERTAINMENT FACTOR. I get that some people will have read the 50 Shades of Grey series for entertainment purposes alone. They may have ignored the BELLA SWAN FACTOR (I did not) and they may have ignored the horrific attempt at WRITING (I did not) and they may have enjoyed the sex (I did not) and hey may have enjoyed the relationship between the principal characters, Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele (I did not) and they may have found it exciting! (I did not) and they may have ignored all the things I am about to talk about, and they don’t care. And I respect that. I’m not judging you.
The only person I am judging here looks an awful lot like, well, ME.
Truth be told, I was ready to throw in the towel about 45 pages in. But, in the name of research, obviously, I made it all the way through the three books. I needed to read the entire series to give a thorough review. And now I am done. And I am celebrating the fact that I will never have to read the phrases FAIR POINT WELL MADE or LATERS, BABY ever ever ever ever ever again.
Ever.
For those of you who have not read the books, here’s a little synopsis for you:
Meet Bella Swan. I mean, Anastasia Steele. Don’t let her life-on-the-pole name fool you, this chick is inexperienced. So inexperienced, in fact, that she spends an entire book telling you. Over and over and over again. Get used to this, though. Anastasia’s inner goddess is only slightly less annoying than her inner REPETITIVE LADY. Bella Swan Anastasia Steele is very clumsy and meets Christian Grey by falling down in front of him. Of course she does. She also, interestingly, is shocked that she has an email address.
Beware: Christian Grey is the most beautiful person on the face of the planet to ever exist ever. He is so beautiful, in fact, that Ana can only look at him THROUGH HER LASHES, as if that’s a thing. Also, he wears jeans a lot, and Ana makes sure to talk about his jeans. All the damn time. Especially the crushed and faded tight ones that hang on his hips. (what?) Christian, obviously, was in a boy band in a former life. In 1996.
Bella Swan Anastasia Steele reminds us this on every page. At least twice. Casting for the movie version of this is going to be a problem, methinks. Because guess what? People like this do not exist. Lest you think that Christian is perfect, alas, he is not. While women are fainting at his impossibly gorgeous feet and legs and arms and face and hair, Ana is aware of his deep, dark secret. HE IS A CRAZY LUNATIC.
He has had a rough childhood. Surprise! HE IS DEXTER, basically, only he doesn’t kill people, he just makes brown haired women SIGN NDAs AND CONTRACTS and join him in his “playroom” for some “kinky fuckery.” ooooooookay. So, Bella Swan Anastasia Steele isn’t down with being slapped so she sets out to CHANGE HIM, because that’s always a good idea, ladies.
Christian spends every page trying to feed Ana. NO I AM NOT KIDDING. “Have you eaten?” “What did you eat today?” “Dammit, Ana, why haven’t you eaten?””Let’s fuck…but first let’s eat peanut butter and jello sandwiches!”
Christian is rich. Very, very rich. Ana, apparently, doesn’t like money. Because Ana is stupid.
Also, just for fun, Ana refers to her special lady place as HER SEX. A lot. This gets old, quickly.
Instead of being able to change crazy controlling Christian, Ana spends three books trying to figure out how these two people can co-exist, even though I’m pretty sure this entire series spans over, like, six days. What happens, though, since they are both INSANE, is this:
Christian: I am so mad at you, Ana.
Ana: Don’t be mad at me. I want to work even though you make $100,000 an hour (WHAT?)
Christian: I am so mad at you.
Ana: Don’t be mad at me. And don’t buy me computers. I don’t want them. (I’LL TAKE THEM.)
Christian: I am so mad at you, I want to PUNISH YOU.
Ana: Don’t be mad at me, you are scaring me.
Christian: Stop biting your lip. Stop biting your lip.
Ana: {bites lip}
Christian: Okay, let’s pretend we aren’t mad at each other and just have lots and lots of sex right now where you have the most amazing orgasm yet (It’s like straight out of The Bachelor. Up next: the most shocking rose ceremony yet!)
Ana: My sex forgives you, even though you are a crazy person.
LATHER RINSE REPEAT.
So, here’s the thing. I know you are probably thinking, “Wow, Ali, just ignore all the stupid stuff and just sit back with your vibrator and just enjoy the sex.” Now, here’s where I tell you that I ENJOY porn and sex and I dig this kind of stuff on a regular basis. (Not really the whips and stuff that Christian likes, including describing PERIOD SEX IN DETAIL, but, you know, the garden variety stuff. In other words, my sex life is healthy.) I did not enjoy this. I didn’t find the scenes hot in any capacity. Not even a single one. I was pretty bored by them, actually, and thought there were far too many. WE GET IT, CHRISTIAN AND ANA—YOU DO IT A LOT. Every page, it seems. At least every chapter.
So, even though they threw a DRAMATIC PLOT POINT into the book, including missing helicoptersÂand kidnappings and blackmail, I was mostly bored to tears throughout the entire book.
Bonus thing that will make you laugh:
Easily the most unintentionally hilarious line in the book: I can tell from his accent that he’s British. Oh really? Amazing!
I am off to read something that doesn’t make me want to stab myself in my own eyeballs, which, incidentally, wasn’t in Christian’s contract.

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