August 23 13

I have more important things to worry about than this whole Ben Affleck is Batman ohmyheavenlydays how can such a travesty occur the superhero world is coming to an end. I mean, settle down, friends. Just remember that if Twitter was around in 1988, people would have been all, WTFBBQ MICHAEL KEATON? Really? Mr. Mom can’t pull off Batman! We are talking about Beetlejuice here. And you know what Michael Keaton went and did? He was Batman. So, let’s give Ben Affleck a little break and focus our attention to the rumors that the lovely, lovely, lovely Charlie Hunnam (the one who sits prominently at #2 on my list) is in talks to play Christian Grey in the 50 Shades of Grey movie which would just be a real-life problem for me because I was really hoping to never have to engage with anything 50 shades ever again—I have already lost too many hours of my life on that.

Laters, baby.

I am celebrating  wee bit of a milestone around here.

Look, my children are 8, 10, and 12—I don’t wipe butts anymore, they cut their own meat, dress themselves, and they can even reach the glasses so I no longer have to be the constant getter-of-drinks. Milestones are few and far between around here, so we celebrate when we can, and there’s no shame in admitting that sometimes it’s a bit of a stretch. Your kid can crawl? Your kid pulled up on his own? Your daughter just took her first steps? Said her first words? Well, that’s cool and all, but

I finished all 395 levels of The Candy Crush Saga.

clapity-clap

(And yes, I am aware that the stupid wrench means that the folks over at Candy Crush—who are pulling in $633,000 a day on a free app—are wise enough to know that new levels are a necessity for their cash flow. DAMMIT.)

candy-crush-last-level

It’s a milestone laced with more-than-mild shame and mortification, but it’s a milestone nonetheless. I have a new lease on life! I can figure out how would play me in the movie about me and my hummus addiction—Anna Kendrick? Kate Mara? I can finish the three books I am currently reading and really enjoying—Ghost Moth, The Astronaut Wives Club, and Flight Behaviour. I can sleep again. I can stress about foodborne illness more than I already do because 100 people got food poisoning at the CNE when they ate cronut cheeseburgers (which, HURL). I can find a new personal trainer since Trainer Kim decided that she’d rather become a teacher who works with children with special needs instead of making me cry every Friday morning (The nerve, I know.) I can track down the ridiculously specific Jansport backpack (it ships exactly not to Canada) that my tween daughter absolutely needs to have for school this year. She balances out the other two, who when I said, “Your bags are still in great shape from last year,” merely shrugged and asked if I was burning the toaster pastry.

Maybe I can come up with a free app that brings in hundreds of thousands of dollars a day…

So yes. I am done with Candy Crush. Finished. The End. Kaput.

What’s my secret, you ask? Well, if I do say so myself, I am really great at matching coloured candies and finding striped and wrapped candy combos and clearing all the jelly and keeping the growing chocolate at bay. I am also really good at the Candy Crush time travel cheat.

Some people are really good musicians, or artists, or surgeons, or html coders. I’m really good at matching candies. My husband married me for my talents, obviously.

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  1. First off, I hope the Charlie rumour is a rumour because I also never wanted to have to watch that movie.

    Second, congratulations on your milestone AND thanks for answering my burning curiosity of, “how many levels are there anyway?!”

    And third, I know I don’t comment as much as I should but thanks for keeping me entertained with your blogs and tweets as I suffer through my work days. :)

    [Reply]

    Comment by Shannon on August 23, 2013
  2. I’ve been stuck at 245 for so long I’m bored and ready to give up. Also, I think it goes up to 400 something now. Someone was talking about level 400 online the other day.

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    Mine only goes to 395—I even checked if there was an app update available because I am a crazy person but I only play on my phone.

    I should check the facebook app…or maybe I shouldn’t?

    [Reply]

    Comment by Jodifur on August 23, 2013
  3. Um, congratulations? :p

    [Reply]

    Comment by Alex on August 23, 2013
  4. I bow to your commitment. I gave up like, 3 months ago and now only open the game when one of you tells me you need a ticket.

    Nice work, lady.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Meghan on August 23, 2013
  5. I’m impressed…congrats. I am woefully stuck on level 79. :( It took me a while to get on the bandwagon, and now I’m driving myself crazy. Stupid game.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Amanda on August 23, 2013
  6. I’ve been stuck on level 182 for weeks and weeks and I *finally* passed it this morning. Now I know there’s 400 levels? There goes the rest of my 2013. (Though thank you for that time travel cheat… I went with the, create a fake Facebook account and send myself extra lives method, but I like yours better. :) )

    [Reply]

    Comment by Laurie on August 23, 2013
  7. I quit somewhere around level 120. I bow to your greatness.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Issa on August 23, 2013
  8. App update today bringing the total to 410 levels. It is known.

    [Reply]

    Alimartell replied on

    I know…now. My update only showed up this afternoon. Of course it did.

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    Comment by Hockeymandad on August 23, 2013
  9. iPhone app now has 410. Facebook desktop app has 440. I’m currently on 425. Just when you thought you were out, they pull you back in.

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    Alimartell replied on

    I know!!! The app update came in at about 2pm. The timing is just ridiculous.

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    Comment by kdiddy on August 23, 2013
  10. Only 15 more levels! You can do it! I saw the app update right after reading today.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Katy on August 23, 2013
  11. Congratulations! And I mean that, sincerely. Candy Crush has taken over my life. I’m on Level 117 at the moment. Still a long way to go to hit the Big Milestone. :)

    [Reply]

    Comment by alyinponderland on August 23, 2013
  12. I’m so glad I never drank the Candy Crush koolaid.

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    Really? It was totally worth it :)

    [Reply]

    Kristabella replied on

    I do not need another time suck game on my phone. Also, I’ve seen it and know I would be HORRIBLE at it and then just get pissed and spend hundreds of dollars!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Kristabella on August 26, 2013
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