This is how I became P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way Sydney. Essentially.

“Mama, since my birthday is soon {August 15th} I really want to talk about a fish. It’s the only, only thing I really want for my birthday. A teensy, tiny goldfish. And I have basically already named him. He’s either going to be Bubbles, Gil…..or Fat Patricia.”

Well, that settled that. My baby girl was getting a goldfish. We already have a dog named after Indiana Jones, it only makes sense that we’d have a fish named after another movie character. Isabella held my hand as we looked at all the pretty little fish. She helped pull the bowl down from the tippy, top shelf. $15.99. A bargain, I thought.

Little did I know.

Oh how little I knew.

Out of the Petsmart shadows came a 14-year-old employee who was about to earn his commission—and the biggest upsell of all time.

You can’t put a fish into a bowl like that, unless you want to be a murderer. For one goldfish you need a full aquarium with a filter and at least 50 gallons of water, probably more. You need gravel and plants and decor—you need to build your fish a proper environment. And then you’ll probably need to get more than one fish—you don’t want the poor little guy to be lonely.

Well, this is interesting, isn’t it? We managed to keep a goldfish—Dorothy—alive for almost 3 years in tiny bowl. Emily won her when she was just wee at a small fair. We brought her home in a plastic bag and poured her directly into her new home, there was absolutely no water temperature taking or acclimation involved. She had no filter, no friends, no home decor. And she managed to do just fine. For three years, until her uncle Joshua decided to unload an entire tube of toothpaste into the small bowl just to see what would happen. Spoiler alert: Goldfish don’t brush their teeth, or like to live in Crest-infested waters. Dorothy Fish had a proper burial at sea.

Apparently now this would be considered animal cruelty. Murder, said the Petsmart employee.

Well, since I frown upon murder, as most humans are apt to be, I am now the owner of hundreds of dollars of goldfish equipment.

AND THE HAPPIEST ALMOST 8-YEAR-OLD OF ALL TIME.