March 16 10

Okay, so I can take a hint. Apparently, y’all didn’t find my story about my weird driving fears and my inability to drink a milkshake like big girl funny and when I spoke to the husband he was all, “well, everyone’s allowed a snoozer now and then. I mean, even God wrote Deuteronomy,” and then I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, because, you guys, I am kind of out of material. A very wise person told me that the husband probably needs to get himself a vasectomy because hoo boy, THE STORIES! Another very wise person told me that I probably need to go ahead and get myself knocked up because BAM! Nine full months of things to talk about and belly pictures to share. Another very wise person reminded me of all the stories that came out of cubicle life…I mean, if you’ve ever watched The Office and worked in an office, you know there’s just too much to write about. Fish smells from the communal microwave say what? People using the office bathroom without shoes on say what?

But alas, there are no surgeries or pregnancies or cubicles in my future. Oh no, there’s just, well, a lot of the same. My life is a little bit like Groundhog Day without the Sonny and Cher song, but that’s mostly because I haven’t had to use an alarm clock since Isabella decided that 5am was a perfectly acceptable time to start her day and to start watching cooking shows and/or Full House. Ahh Ahh Ahh Ahh Chity Chi bob botta. You think I’m a one-trick pony, don’t you? But, just so you know, I know all the words to the pokemon theme song too.

I mean, it’s not that my life isn’t exciting. I mean, just yesterday, we bid a toiletside farewell to a good fish last night. Josh gave a teary-eyed eulogy…”Junior was such a good fish. He gave me so much joy” and we even went down to Petsmart to replace the feeder fish that gave us such a happy two weeks. I filled my hands with a bigger bowl and some pretty stones and a plant and we were all set to buy a little fish to fill the void in Josh’s heart. Of course, we were all set, until this pimply-faced, dandruff-scalped, 13-year-old girl in a blue shirt came over and started talking about aquariums and filters and a financial commitment that I just not prepared to let this teenager talk me into.

I mean, I already have an expensive pet who needs things like surgeries and underpants extractions. I am not doing this again, pimple face!

Oh! and just today I got the pleasure of listening to my daughter read her entire Because of Winn-Dixie book out-friggin-loud, because apparently, that’s how she retains it. OUT LOUD. and then she takes notes, and then she eats cucumbers and peppers in between chapters and crunch crunch crunches in my damn ear and I really, at this very moment, can’t think of anything that drives me crazier than the crunching. (also equally as irritating…the slurpsucking of popsicles. MY EARS, they bleed) I did offer to teach her the African Anteater Ritual just to get her to stop reading.

Oh! and just this week I bought a shirt on ebay that I love so much I want to make out with. I actually already have the shirt in grey which I – sadly – paid full price for at J.Crew and I might even go out on a limb to say that I wear it every time I need to put on actual clothing that doesn’t zip up and have a hood or an elastic waist.

and wouldn’t you know…I bought the same shirt that was nwt (that’s new with tags for the smart people who don’t get sucked into ebay layman) in cream for $50 less than I paid for the grey one, which makes me feel happy that I got a killer deal but also makes me feel like a giant asshole for paying as much as I did for the original cami. Don’t make me tell you how much I paid for those damn True Religion jeans that I rarely wear because the rise is so low and not only does it announce to the world, “Hey! check out my fancy muffin top!” It also draws attention to my entire spare tire. Let’s just say it rhymes with shmalmost shmore shmundred.

Oh! and SOMEONE WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS spoiled the ending of that Robert Pattinson joint Remember Me. Apparently, it’s got a twist that fits somewhere in between the predictable Shutter Island and the less predictable Fight Club. Well, now I can skip this one and go back to my fantasyland where Robert Pattinson IS actually Edward Cullen and not some guy who is allergic to vagina and is actually screwing Kristen Stewart. Who, ps, looks like she has a scary vagina. If I was dating her, I would probably also pretend to be allergic. And now that I hear that my Joe Jonas is actually dating Demi Lovato (hat tip to her), I’m almost all out of men-who-are-too-young for me to have inappropriate dreams about. How old is Taylor Kitsch again?

And now you are sitting there all, “good god, I wish she’d go back to talking about about milkshakes now.”

If you want to see more of me – and, I mean, obviously, you do – you can read my latest entertainment news over at Juice, my latest outfit over at The Urban Closet (I actually put some pants on today! Wheee!), my latest advice over at So You Want It, and my latest blathering over at Aiming Low.

  1. I was going to keep this hidden deep inside my heart, but…sigh… when I read this weekend about Joe and Demi, I got a little pissed and may have thought things like “I hate her!” and “You can do so much better, Joe!”

    And then I remembered how old I am.

    But still!!

    Comment by fadkog on March 16, 2010
  2. I’ve never spent more than shmenty shmollars on jeans. I feel sad.

    Comment by Alison of a Gun on March 16, 2010
  3. I have a rule. Never buy full price anything at J. Crew. You taught me that btw… when I saw you wearing the white shirt with the flower on the collar. I bought it for $78- and you got it on sale. I vowed never to buy full price there again.
    .-= Gemini-Girl´s last blog ..Etsy WTH? of the Day =-.

    Comment by Gemini-Girl on March 16, 2010
  4. Alison…if it makes you feel better, they were totally NOT worth it. And while I think that there’s nothing like a good-fitting pair of designer jeans, these were way too overpriced.

    Comment by ali on March 16, 2010
  5. I think we need to go for a ride with my Edward Cullen cut-out.

    Comment by Darcey on March 16, 2010
  6. There is something wrong with the internets that so few people are commenting. It’s not just you (and me) it’s everyone. Really. Take a look around.

    Also, whoever spoiled “Remember Me” needs a vagina kick. I’m sure it’s not like you even planned on seeing it, but what if you had? Who’s to say you didn’t want to see My Edward ACTING in any other crapass movie?

    Comment by Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] on March 16, 2010
  7. I lusted after spendy jeans and was never going to buy any. Then I bought a pair, they drive my husband insane. Am now forever searching for deals. Love the cami.

    Comment by amanda on March 16, 2010
  8. Dude, I think blogging is apparently so 2007. Because hardly anyone comments anymore. Because I guess people just figure they will hear all about it on Twitter or FB.

    I don’t think I can ever pull the trigger on designer jeans. Mostly because my huge ass won’t fit in them!

    Comment by Kristabella on March 16, 2010
  9. I remember back in college our sorority would get invited to these sample sales of designer jeans… sigh. Those were the days. Now I consider Gap jeans “designer.” Which makes me feel… smarter, more practical, and a little bit sad all at the same time.

    Comment by Zoe on March 16, 2010
  10. I read all of that, and loved it all (especially Josh’s eulogy), but what I need to say is LOOK HOW LONG YOUR HAIR IS.

    I love it. 🙂

    Comment by Angella on March 16, 2010
  11. i didn’t get the memo on how commenting is so 2007 apparently.

    Comment by tara on March 16, 2010
  12. FYI, Taylor Kitsch is a year older than me – er – I don’t think his birthday has happened yet this year, either.

    So he’s 28 (possibly 29).

    Comment by Mari on March 16, 2010
  13. The first thing I thought when I saw Remember Me was “I am so glad no one spoiled this ending for me!” Sorry someone did for you. 🙁

    Comment by Beth Ann on March 16, 2010
  14. I think all of your stories are incredibly witty, humourous, entertaining and insightful. The fish funeral! The bleeding ears! The muffin top! The scary vag! Blogging genious – I swear!*

    * – please note this opinion has absolutely nothing nothing to do with the alternate suggestion put forward by barefoot foodie…
    .-= Giblet´s last blog ..Pepper Cheese Beer Bread =-.

    Comment by Giblet on March 16, 2010
  15. I ilked this post! I love your style of writing and you are funny. 🙂

    Comment by Tammi Marie on March 16, 2010
  16. I laughed at your milkshake post, but your fear of peeing in an accident just was a kindred thought for me.

    And how dare you talk about Kristin Stewart’s vagina in a disparaging way. I would bet that her vagina is a very warm, welcoming place.

    Comment by Avitable on March 16, 2010
  17. awww we just had a fishy funeral for flogging molly who had babies only one of which survived the ferocious appetite of lulu the dalmatian molly who must be a teenage boy fish sorry josh….

    Comment by LAVENDULA on March 17, 2010
  18. I can honestly say these are my favorite kidns of posts. Random, funny, real life. Love.
    .-= Katie´s last blog ..Shake it Off =-.

    Comment by Katie on March 17, 2010
  19. You can have my blogging fodder – my new front tooth will apparently take nine months to birth. geeahh. And, as others above has said, it’s not your posts (you’re as funny and interesting as ever) – people totally don’t comment like they used to (thanks to twitter, I think).

    Comment by Haley-O (Cheaty) on March 20, 2010

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