September 25 09

There is no confession booth in Judaism. There are no acts of contrition, no penance, no “it has been ____ since my last confession” (do Catholics even do this? I mean, you know, the big screen tells me they do, but, then again, the big screen tells people about Jews and hole-y sheets…) I guess this is why I have a blog. and I have a lovely lady who asked for confessions…

Forgive me, internets, for I have sinned. It has been 10 days since my last confession

It all started back in 2008, when a story came out about Mary Kate Olsen and a Starbucks barista who admitted to taking liberties with the Olsen twin’s lattes. He came out and said that he, on-a-regular-basis, switched up the non-fat milk that Mary Kate had requested for whole, full-fat milk. At first I was all, “holy crap, that’s a dick move!” but then, after some careful thought, I had changed up my tune to “holy crap, that’s a dick move…but changing up someone’s drink? BRILLIANT!”

and then I started changing drinks.

Yes, it’s true.

Any time someone asks me to get them a coffee, I change their order. I give them lattes when they ask for cappuccinos. I give them cappuccinos when they ask for americanos.  I give them milds when they ask for bolds. I give them extra shots of vanilla, or hazelnut or caramel. Sometimes I make complicated drinks more complicated. Sometimes I make them less complicated.


It’s not to fatten people up, mind you. I NEVER play around with the milk – because that’s just MEAN. And I never give people decaf when they ask for regular or regular when they ask for decaf because I am not Stalin. or Darth Vader.

It is simply  for the shits and giggles. and to see if anyone would notice.

and, in over a year, not one person has ever noticed. Or, if they have, they have never called me out on it. Or blamed an incompetent barista.

so, please forgive me. and maybe think twice before asking me to get you a coffee. But…you know, you ARE getting a little surprise with every drink..

  1. Oh my god – that is hilarious and evil. Yom Kippur is this weekend, young lady. Sounds like you have atoning to do.
    .-= kgirl´s last blog ..SPAMORAMA =-.

    Comment by kgirl on September 25, 2009
  2. I still think it’s brilliant but then again, I can be an ass sometimes. 🙂

    This one girl at my work was a real douchette who would spaz on people when they spelled her name wrong. She was also an ass in general so whenever I’d go get coffees for the group, I’d purposely tell them to spell her name “with an S”.


    Comment by Hilly on September 25, 2009
  3. HA! That is SO VERY awesome, I like the idea so much I may go ask people to let me get them a coffee. I like you more now.

    Is it challenging to be Jewish in the South? After living in NY as a kid, I found it shocking to see such a lack of temples when I was moved down. I didn’t understand why the Jewish holidays weren’t also school holidays like in NY. It was also odd for me in high school to teach kids what a dradle was and I’m not Jewish! I was just wondering.

    I’ll take a coffee black by the way.

    Comment by Hockeyman on September 25, 2009
  4. That is so brilliantly awesome. Am going to have to plot ways to do the same to my erstwhile coffee partners 🙂 And, yep, on the whole it has been x days since my last confession, that’s the drill. Though in my case it’d be more like deer in headlights uhhhhh it’s been…. 4, no, 6 years, maybe since my last confession?

    Comment by duchessbelle on September 25, 2009
  5. I strongly believe that the baristas at the Starbucks I go to changed my milk to nonfat from soy. SOY. I repeated it twice before I stepped aside to eat my scone.

    And the drink didn’t taste nearly as good and I got sick later on.

    Comment by Mari on September 25, 2009
  6. Mari – I would never give anyone soy if they asked for actual milk. that’s just plain ole mean.

    Comment by ali on September 25, 2009
  7. OK, Ali. I am shocked. And from now on I will be very, very careful when meeting you at Starbucks. My daily latte is like religion. I don’t want any of you crazy folk trying to convert me. Stay away from my latte.

    Comment by Jen Maier on September 25, 2009
  8. I ALWAYS, ALWAYS switch my husband’s coffee order. He’s been drinking decaf for 11 years and he still doesn’t know. The girls at Starbucks know me as the “woman who doesn’t want decaf written on the cup”

    Comment by jackie on September 25, 2009
  9. And this is why I love reading your blog! Freaking hilarious!!!

    Comment by katy on September 25, 2009
  10. You’re evil, but only for entertainment, so it is ok.

    Now, would someone decipher those cups for me? I don’t even know where to start.

    Comment by Beth Fish on September 25, 2009
  11. I love this. I used to do this when my boss made me go on coffee runs for multiple people. It was a highlight of an otherwise dreary day.

    Comment by Laural on September 25, 2009
  12. “He was the guerrilla terrorist of the food service industry.
    He farted on meringue; he sneezed on braised endive; and, with creme of mushroom soup, well…
    You get the idea.”

    Comment by Giblet on September 25, 2009
  13. Ali thats is so funny!

    Comment by LAVENDULA on September 25, 2009
  14. I’m almost proud of that barista. I mean Mary-Kate needed that whole milk and a few truckloads of burgers. But you my friend, are pure evil brilliance.:)

    Comment by Kaleigha on September 25, 2009
  15. Are you doing it to everybody, or just the mean ones?

    Comment by feefifoto on September 25, 2009
  16. Are you doing it to everybody, or just the mean ones? And if it’s just the mean ones, don’t they deserve something a little more meaningful than more foam or less foam?

    Comment by feefifoto on September 25, 2009
  17. can you name the drinks above? I am a starbucks regular and have no clue what they are.

    Comment by rayli on September 25, 2009
  18. oh your naughty, really really naughty. But I love it!

    Comment by DesignHER Momma on September 25, 2009
  19. Oh, I must try that one. Thanks, Ali, for leading me to evil and all. 🙂

    I must schedule my next confession now…

    Comment by Nenette on September 26, 2009
  20. Comment #1:
    Oh, I see how it is. I ask for confessions the week before and it doesn’t inspire you. Harumph.

    Comment #2:
    Just as long as you’re not jerking off into it!

    Comment by Avitable on September 27, 2009
  21. YOU MOTHERFUCKER. I would *totally* notice. I might not call you on it, on account of trying not to be an asshole… but I’d never ask you to get my coffee again. Getting me a latte when I like my cappuccinos extra dry? Now that’s just MEAN! I’m shocked!
    .-= Undomestic Diva´s last blog ..Clearly, I need to get lei’d =-.

    Comment by Undomestic Diva on September 27, 2009
  22. Best thing I’ve read on the internet this year. Seriously.

    Comment by Chantal on September 27, 2009
  23. Is this what you’ll be tapping your chest for tonight and tomorrow?

    Comment by Tali on September 27, 2009
  24. I love it! I’m TOTALLY doing that the next time I get Starbucks for Josh. Mostly because I CAN’T HAVE ONE. And also because that sounds like such FUN!

    Comment by Haley-O (Cheaty) on September 27, 2009
  25. I love it! And I totally wouldn’t mind if (1) it was yummy and (2) you told me after so I could get it again! I always get the same things…this would force me to try new things!!

    Comment by pgoodness on September 28, 2009
  26. I am super intrigued by this! I for one, would have NO idea. And really, even if I did and you bought me coffee, who am I to complain?

    Comment by Kristabella on September 29, 2009
  27. Not so much commenting on the coffee as I am your parenthetical question — yep, Catholics actually do the “It’s been ___ since me last confession.”

    As a child, if it had been embarrassingly long, I lied. Which is a sin, which I added to my list to confess the next time, lol.

    Comment by April on September 29, 2009
  28. When getting a fountain drink for someone, I sometimes mix two different types of pop. It makes for great fun when watching them try to figure out which one is actually in their cup. I then act like I totally just got the one they requested and their tasted buds must JUST be going awry.

    Comment by Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy on September 30, 2009
  29. As an ex-Catholic, I will tell you that we really DO say, “It has been ____ since my last confession” (24 years for me! I confess directly to the Big Guy ever since I converted to Protestantism). What’s weird is that the ditty begins with, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned”. Ummm . . . if I’ve sinned, do I really DESERVE to be blessed?! just wondering.
    .-= Lorraine´s last blog ..Oprah I am not . . . =-.

    Comment by Lorraine on September 30, 2009

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