I see there this hashtag gaining a certain momentum on twitter. It’s called#complaintfreemondays. I have no idea where it came from. In theory, I really like the idea behind it. It’s a brand-new week! The sky is the limit! I mean, just yesterday I turned to the husband and said, “HUSBAND! I really am so blissfully happy right now. It’s almost like I have nothing to complain about.” And it’s true. I mean, we moved back to Toronto into this beautiful new house and we have seen so many of our friends and instead of it being strange or awkward, it was like we had never left. I have a brand-new job that I love. It gives me the flexibility I needed and it gives me new challenges to tackle. TV! Radio! Video! Movable Type! We are all healthy (knock on wood, poo poo poo, all that jazz). The kids are excited to go back to school. We are not stressing about money. We live in OUR OWN HOUSE omg. You see…it’s almost like I have nothing to complain about.

Almost.

Because there’s ALWAYS something to complain about.

And today it’s about the phone. Or, well, no, that’s wrong. It’s about the fact that I do not have a single working phone right now. Yes, it’s true.

I am Jack’s complete lack of communication.

It’s like it’s 1953 up in here.

You see…I do not currently have a cell phone. Well, that’s a lie. I have a lovely 3g iphone, but since it’s on a US plan, it is currently buried in a drawer somewhere. I am terrified to even turn it on, lest it wield its poltergeist-y ways and rack up another $400 charge for pushing whilst on Canadian soil. That’s an expensive mistake I will never make again. So, yes. And, you know, it should be fairly easy to move to another country with your cell phone. But, of course, why would a phone company make MOVING TO ANOTHER COUNTRY EASY? (You’ll see as you press on that this is the theme of today’s discussion. phone companies and how they are orca whale-sized douches) Oh, and you know what else is fun? Being on the search for an iphone 4. Apparently, they are unwilling to allow something called A WAITING LIST, which, you know, would MAKE SENSE. The problem is that iphone 4 is fairly new to Canada and therefore, they are short on supply.

Attention Apple. There is something called supply and demand. Ever heard of it? Did you not know this was going to happen? Why are you not sending more product to Canada?

And why are there no waiting lists? Why will Rogers stores NOT tell you over the phone if they have iphones? Why is it that my work and personal life is being dictated by some pimply-faced teenager who likes to fuck around with people? Why is it that you have to randomly show up at a Rogers store (psst. I hear that shipments come in between 12-1 every afternoon, which, is obviously super convenient) and pray that they have the phone you want.

What in the sam hell kind of system are they running here?

So, well, there’s that.

No cell phone.

But you see…I do not currently have a home phone either.

WHAT, you say? But even Betty Draper has a home phone! How is this even possible in 2010 to not have a land line.

Well, I will tell you. Rogers is a company full of orca whale-sized douches.

See? I told you! THEME!

Basically, they have been out to our house 17 times in the last 3 weeks and they cannot fix our phone. First they put in a giant cable that goes clear across my brand-new house and then they say, “huzzah! We fixed your problems!” and then, well, the problem isn’t fixed. They send a non-English speaking technician out to the house to tells me all this gibberish and the only word I catch is MODEM, only, well, the problem isn’t fixed. And then they send another technician who tells us that the last technician made things worse. And then guess who comes back under the guise of SENIOR TECHNICIAN like we were promised? WHY YES! It was the foreign modem breaker! Needless to say, he didn’t stick around very long.

So, as of this morning they promised to send someone out on Wednesday or Thursday.

WHAT? Shouldn’t they be sending someone out today?

Of course not, what with the whole being all whaley and douchey, they don’t have time to come out and fix my problem.

Well, they better move quickly, because if they don’t, I’m taking my business over to their only competitor, Bell, who apparently, is, um, no better.

So, well, it’s almost time for me to go out and find a PAY PHONE so I can make my work calls. Or, you know, to go out and find out if pay phones actually exist anymore.