our Xbox suffered the RROD, which to the layman means the red ring of death, which to the layman means “oh hai, Ali. I’m afraid I can’t do what you’ve asked of me. Please to be visiting a UPS store to be sending that shit back to me for maintenance. also? neener, neener!!”

I realize you are now scratching your heads all “what? Playing the occasional Star Wars Lego game with your son and indulging your husband by playing along to Guitar Hero Aerosmith when you only know three songs does NOT make you a gamer. Plus, also? don’t you have a wii? and a brand new DSi? How many damn game consoles do you need, woman? wow. AND you’ve never cleaned a toilet? my god,  you are spoiled!”

But, did you know that an XBOX can be used for so, so, so much more?

oh yes it can.

We can stream our downloaded stuff from our computer through the xbox. let that soak in, because it is just the fanciest thing to ever exist. Because here, in Atlanta, we have a lovely large TV in our bedroom and some DirectTV (thanks, Pops!) but we suffer from lack-of-dvr-ed-ness. I know. I know. So, because of this, I am Ali and I am a downloader.

So, we are watching OZ on our laptop, which means that the flying wiener is, um, way too up close and personal for my taste. Also, we have much downloaded Mad Men to watch.

(and don’t get me started on all the children’s movies and TV shows that we can’t access right now. YOU try explaining to your screaming 4-year-old that NO! You can’t watch the show you want to watch. You have to watch Barney even though I you hate Barney and Barney makes me you cry just a little bit)

So, I am watching a lot of The Food Network. oh. my. god.

Oh wait…I am also watching random videos like this one that Miss Metalia introduced me to and seriously, I have watched about 87 times since last night.

oh yes, Baby, she’s just a Jewish girl from New York with a hook nose…

AND THIS COMMERCIAL ZOMG. one would think this was a joke….but alas, it’s not and seriously, Jimmy Dean? seriously?

But yes, back to the Food Network. which, PS, is a total disaster for me because I realized that vacation eating when you aren’t actually on vacation is NOT a good thing and when I realized I couldn’t get dressed because I was too porked out to squeeze my body into my sausage casings clothing, something drastic needed to happen, i.e., I needed to sloooooow down with the donuts and the giant pretzels and the pizza and THE BISCUITS AND PUMPKIN BUTTER and the cookies and candy and ohmigodthishouseisfilledwithcontainersfullofcandy. So, yes, am watching what I eat, which kind of makes me want to cry.

and when I’m watching shows about food, it kind of makes me want to throw things. or at least eat CARBS and SUGAR. and let’s not even talk about what the episode of Good Eats about FROSTING did for me. I may have actually thrown something.

So I have been watching it all, Chopped and and Diners, Drive-ins and Dives and Ace of Cakes and Dinner: Impossible and Good Eats and Unwrapped and, my new favorite:

The Best Thing I Ever Ate.

which, is, TOTAL FOOD PORN. seriously. on each episide, the Food Network personalities reveal their favorite things to eat and where you can go to get them. and now, obviously, I want to visit just about every single city in the US to sample all this deliciousness.

Which of course gets me to thinking (about food…welcome to my life!) about what the best thing I ever ate was and it’s impossible to come up with ONE thing…there are the mini red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting that my stepmom buys every Chrismukah, there is the homemade-by-the-husband smoked meat, there is the Cheesecake Factory eggplant sandwich, Ken’s Diner’s Burger Buddy, the pizza I had in the village that one time, the chocolate rugalach (it’s your favorite word, kristabella!) from the Marzipan bakery in Israel (the ones that caused me to gain 29 pounds while in Israel) and Grodzinsky’s iced shortbread cookies, Salad King’s red curry, Mengrei’s taro rolls, CPK’s mac and cheese.

What about you? best thing you ever ate?

(seriously, XBOX people out there in Texas? please send my xbox back to me….or you will see me this spring on The Biggest Loser)