For the past eight weekdays, I have dropped my kids off at the UWM campus for their two hours of College for Kids and head straight to the Starbucks in Barnes & Noble for some ME time. And when I say me time, what I really mean is time to get actual work done without having to break up any fights or wipe any bums or pour any drinks or turn on Imagination Movers. It is my most favorite time of the day.

Since we are house poor and since work has been spotty for me this past year, I am budgeted right now. And Starbucks was one of the first things to go. I drink it when I get gift cards or if someone else is treating, but mostly I have taken to the Keurig for my morning fix. But this month I decided that since I am single parenting it, working, AND the kids are only in camp for two hours a day, I NEED THIS ONE VICE. So, I have enjoyed ordering something different every day; also, it’s ridiculous fun to throw off the barista. I guess most people are creatures of habits. NOT I, I SAY! YOU’LL NEVER GUESS MY DRINK ORDER!

Every day I sit at the same table; the one closest to the outlet.

Yesterday, I saw two different scenarios from said table, neither of which I will ever be able to unsee.

THE HORROR.

First up was the couple. She was cute and was wearing a BCBG dress that I had once tried on and couldn’t afford at full price and then when it finally went on sale they were all gone and I was pretty bummed about it. He looked like a chubbier Kenneth Parcel, if Kenneth was balding and wore argyle socks with sandals and and golf shorts. To say they were a mismatched couple was an understatement. As I was thinking these very words, they began the gaze. It was mildly suggestive in nature and just as I was about to tweet about it, they began sucking face and then, omg, his hand was on her thigh and OMG, then it was under her dress! There is a good chance I may have seen this strange woman’s vagina while I was drinking my grande iced coffee.

Now, that just isn’t right.

SO, here we have RULE #1 of what not to do at Starbucks at Barnes & Noble: Do not heavily pet or canoodle another person. And, I mean, please do not flash your special lady place* while other people are eating.

When the petters were done necking and petting through their lunch hour, they said their goodbyes, and let me tell you, there was so much saliva exchanged, I was a little afraid that he was actually going to eat her face with a some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

I can assure you, it was no Kiss at the Hotel Deville.

And then in walked trainwreck #2.

Okay, recent college grad who wanted to go to the police academy but either didn’t get in or didn’t realize it wasn’t all Steve Guttenberg-y and full of dudes who make pac man sounds with their mouths. I wasn’t sure which one. It was a little muffled.

But what I hear, however, was, like, oh my god, how much she likes books. She read the whole Twilight series in three days! In her spare time she reads travel books, even though she doesn’t travel, JUST FOR FUN! She’s really good at alphabetizing!

AND THEN, all hope flew out of the window with this little ditty.

And here we come to rule #2 of what not to do at Starbucks in Barnes & Noble: Do not use the phrase “TOOT MY OWN HORN” during a job interview and do not, under any circumstances, gush about how quickly you read vampire books. Unless, you know, you don’t actually want the job and you really just want to be in the police academy.

I can’t wait to see who is hanging out there today.

* copyright Metalia