January 5 11

I love how I sit all day in front of my computer completely uninspired and then when I finally have some ridiculously important things to tell you like how badly I want to own Kelly Ripa’s wardrobe and I am seriously hoping that the tooth fairy is going to bring it to me and put it under my pillow even though I likely won’t have my wisdom teeth to put under there for her to collect, and how laughable Nic Cage is to look at and how The People’s Choice awards are possibly the world’s largest waste of time because only the winners show up…so all it takes is a quick pan through the audience at the start of the show to know who is walking away with awards – – – Jane Lynch, Zac Efron, Neil Patrick Harris, Conan O’Brian, Taylor Swift – – because, interestingly, no one else nominated in their categories are there…and I REALLY needed to tell you about how we play Rockband all the time and my son Joshua clearly gets his vocal adrenaline from his mama (and not from his papa) because dude can’t sing..like even a little bit, and the sound of him butchering The Beatles? Well…there’s nothing on earth quite like it. Well, maybe his rendition of Space Oddity ohmygodyouhavetohearit.

Yes, so I have these super important things I need to tell you but then my stupid internet goes down.

My life is FULL of real problems.

Hrm. What else can I tell you?

OOH! I am a parenting genius. GENIUS. Remember I told you how my kids are kind of assholes to each other and legitimately just don’t like each other and can’t figure out how to treat each other with any kind of respect? Well, well, well, guess what MamaAli instituted for our morning drive to school? Oh, it’s good, you guys. First, Emily needs to say something she likes about Josh and Isabella. Then, Josh needs to say something he likes about Emily and Isabella. And finally, Isabella needs to say something she likes about Emily and Josh. It has only been three days and I have been fascinated by what gets said…I mean, sometimes, it’s like… “Emily, I like your boots.” BUT occasionally, I get me a gem. Mama – 1, assholey kids – 0.

Sometimes I mix up Leighton Meester and Minka Kelly. And then I get creeped out when I see them standing side-by-side. I’m all…GAH IT’S LIKE THE OLSEN TWINS and I have to remember that one of them is actually cuter than the other. (In case you were wondering. Minka is the cuter one. and Ashley is the cuter one.)

I also can’t figure out how to use LinkedIn. I am less creeped out by this.

Also, I haven’t had any sugar or desserts since December 27th and I have lost exactly one pound. Clearly it’s a sign that I need to have more desserts in my life. Clearly. Who wants pie?

Okay. Seriously. What in the Sam Hell is up with all the dead birds???!?! I mean, it’s bad enough that my nightmares typically look like scenes straight out of The Birds with some scary clowns and evil children thrown into the mix, but now there’s like a bird phenomenon happening around the world? I honestly feel like I’m getting punk’d every time I see anyone tweeting about these damn birds, but then I remember that Ashton Kutcher is way too busy twitpic’ing ridiculous vacation photos of him and Demi Moore to prove to the internets that he dresses weirdly and isn’t having marital problems to be punking people.

Thanks to the stripper I met in Vegas, I can’t stop calling my special lady place (TM Metalia) MY COOKIE which pretty much send me into hysterics every time I say it. It also makes me feel weird about eating cookies, which really is upsetting actually since Girl Scout Cookie season is upon us and I am being super nice to my friends who live in the states who have access to these little heaven nuggets.

(Aren’t you glad my internet is back up and running?)

(I may or may not be under the influence of some extra xanax due to a wee bit of severe anxiety about my wisdom tooth removal at 10:45 on Friday morning. I have opted against my better judgement, to go under GENERAL instead of LOCAL anesthesia and I am terrified of THE VOMIT, but I was also terrified of listening to my teeth crumble and what the room might smell like and of maybe, possibly having a full-on panic attack while someone is doing important dental work in my mouth. So…general it is. Unfortunately. to have a combination of local and laughing gas. So please, please, please to everyone who keeps telling me that general is the way to go…PLEASE STOP. )

(Aren’t you SUPER excited for the post-surgical post when I’m all drugged up? You better be. I’ll probably be funny.)

  1. The best part of the People’s Choice Awards was Edward!!! *swoon*

    Also, yaye Girl Scout Cookies, what kind do you want, because I buy from a friends daughter EVERY.YEAR to support the cause, but usually give them away. I’ll send you some.

    Comment by AmazingGreis on January 5, 2011
  2. Just make sure your belly is empty. No vom.
    Eva was totally fine coming out of her general – a little confused but not sick.
    What took your teeth so long??? Don’t wisdom teeth usually come out in your teens? I got mine pulled when I was 18 I think…

    Comment by Christine on January 5, 2011
  3. Are you having all 4 of them pulled out or just the one coming in sideways?

    My son’s teacher plays that game with the kids at circle time but they aren’t allowed to say anything about appearances or what they’re wearing. 🙂

    Comment by alison on January 5, 2011
  4. Just try to keep a straight face when Cookie Monster makes an appearance on Sesame Street… that stripper has changed the work cookie for me FOREVER!

    Comment by Dre on January 6, 2011
  5. WORD. WORD cookie.

    Comment by Dre on January 6, 2011
  6. Oh my, I’ve never noticed how much Minka and Leighton DO look alike. And you’re right: Minka is totally the pretty one. I love me some Lila Garrity!

    Comment by Camels & Chocolate on January 6, 2011
  7. Wow what a post..Most impressive and very informative..glad I found you :0)

    Comment by Caroline on January 6, 2011
  8. Girl, I can’t say Cookie at all anymore. And I giggle every time Henry says it and blush if Jason says it in public. BUT I still want a stripper pole 🙂 Good move on the general anesthesia. You’ll be good… in my opinion general is always the best bet. Too much to look at in the OR and I’d FREAK! You’re gonna do great and I can’t wait for the post-surgery update. Just don’t eat cookies beforehand!

    Comment by Jana A on January 6, 2011
  9. Alison…I having all four removed. Yikes!

    Comment by Alimartell on January 6, 2011
  10. i love it when you just get a crazy stream of thoughts going.

    It makes for a great post!

    Good luck on your surgery!

    Comment by Ella on January 6, 2011
  11. i love it when you just get a crazy stream of thoughts going.

    It makes for a great post!

    Good luck on your surgery! When I had mine out, my face wasn’t even swollen and despite being drugged out of my mind, I recovered pretty quickly.

    Comment by Ella on January 6, 2011
  12. I never heard of this Minka girl before so I looked her up on IMDB, and I wanted to see that movie The Roomate, but how will I know who is who now??!!

    Good luck with your surgery, everyone I know had the GENERAL and I’ve never heard of anyone vomiting. I think you’ll be okay! I wrote WEIRD things in my journal afterwards though when I was on pain pills, so I see you already have that covered in this post!! 🙂

    Comment by Tammi Marie on January 6, 2011
  13. General is def. the way to go! Also, you should have a contest where you invite readers over to try all the brands of GG cookies they have in the states, get your friends to ship you a big box!

    Comment by maria on January 6, 2011
  14. Tammi Marie – You haven’t seen Friday Night Lights??!?? OMG. SUCH a good show!

    Comment by ali on January 6, 2011
  15. Christine – I was REALLY slow to get teeth. I didn’t get my 12-year-molars until I was about 20. So, I guess they are just erupting late?

    Comment by ali on January 6, 2011
  16. I’m really hoping that Gav records you on video post-surgery. How about a drugged up impression of Kevin, hm?

    Comment by Avitable on January 6, 2011
  17. I had two babies with epidurals and two surgeries. All puke fests. The last surgery I told them that I tend to throw up a lot after surgery and they put something in the IV and I was great! No throwing up! Ask them about it. Good luck.

    Comment by Sharon on January 6, 2011
  18. General is WAY better. You do not want to be awake for any of that! Lots of blood and gore!

    Also, welcome to your 30s – where your metabolism slows the hell down and just cutting out sweets doesn’t make you lose weight!

    Good luck tomorrow!

    Comment by Kristabella on January 6, 2011
  19. Friday Night Lights, no I haven’t is that still on? I think it might be about football? I can’t stand football, sorry!!

    Comment by Tammi Marie on January 6, 2011
  20. Dude, general is the way to go. Just make sure to follow their instructions about eating after the surgery – I didn’t and I ended up vomiting out my stitches. Seriously though, a couple of my girlfriends had local and they said it was one of the most disturbing experiences they’ve been through – the teeth have to be broken up before they’re extracted so there’s lots of pressure and cracking noises. No fun! General is the way to go.

    Comment by hillary on January 6, 2011
  21. HELL YES to being knocked out! I had to have all 4 of my compacted (not grown in but still causing all kinds of problems) wisdom teeth yanked out and I refused to be awake. All I remembered is being asked what my favorite vacation was and the next thing I knew some nurse/hygenist lady was handing me my cell phone as I am being pushed in a wheelchair. It was fabulous! I didn’t puke either, which was a bonus. Good luck!

    Comment by Tricia on January 6, 2011
  22. My husband just had his removed under general less than a month ago.

    They gave him something to take pre-op and he was fiiiine (anti-anxiety).

    You will be, too. They’ll hook you up with monitors and an IV and you. will. be. FINE.

    Less four teeth, but hey, who’s counting??


    Comment by VDog on January 6, 2011
  23. Dude. Your life is amazeballs. Heh.

    Comment by Grumble Girl on January 6, 2011
  24. Don’t worry about it, I had all 4 impacted wisdom teeth taken out with just a local, and no word of a lie, my surgeon took all 4 out in less than 5 minutes, we timed it! Plus they were enormous, he wanted to keep them as specimens berg!
    Just make sure you put ice on your jaw to keep the swelling down and DO NOT use a straw! The suction can remove the blood clot that forms on the gum and then it causes a dry socket which is incredibly painful!!!!
    Best of luck, hope it goes well!!

    Comment by Vicki on January 6, 2011
  25. Um, who is Leighton Meester and Minka Kelly??

    Comment by Aimee Greeblemonkey on January 6, 2011
  26. I had my wisdom teeth out at 19 under a general .. at your age I would definately have a general, sorry, but I’ve had dental work done while not comotose and nope, never, ever again….

    Comment by sarah on January 6, 2011
  27. No Target and no Girl Scout cookies? Crazy stuff in Canada, eh? Good luck tomorrow!

    Comment by Michele on January 6, 2011
  28. How have I never noticed the Minka/Leighton connection before?! And now that you’ve pointed it out, it’s downright EERIE!

    BTW, I must give full credit for Special Lady Area/Place to Emily of Not That You Asked fame. 🙂

    Comment by metalia on January 6, 2011

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