August 1 12

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there’s this wee (50,000 people at least, OMG. Not really, that’s called an exaggeration. I do that sometimes.) conference going on this weekend in New York. You may have seen one or two (thousand) tweets about it. You may have read five (million) posts about what to pack or what to wear or what to expect or, you know, basically how not to be an a-hole this weekend. I haven’t written a post about BlogHer, because, well, I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to do it. I am hoping to make the most of my weekend—see some awesome people, learn a thing or two about how to do my job better, eat many, many cupcakes, and hear the POTUS speak.

I have pretty simple goals, really.

So, I figured that instead of writing a post about BlogHer, I’d write a post about MYSELF, since, you know, I’m excellent at doing that.

But also, because there’s a good chance that I may meet you for the first time, and you know, it may be helpful to have

The five-minute guide to Alimartell:

If I could, I would dress like Betty Draper meets Annie Edison meets Emma Pillsbury all the livelong day; I’d wear shirtdresses and cardigans and pearls. I may actually be doing just that this weekend.

I am the editor-in-chief at I will argue with you that my job is better than yours. I will likely win.

I will probably be talking about the Olympics, especially my boyfriend Ryan Lochte, who, even though he’s trying to make the whole diamond grill thing happen, can wear the heck out of a bathing suit. I mean, can really swim.

I am not a fan of 50 Shades of Grey. You can like it—doesn’t bother me if you do.

My biggest pet peeve is when my children chew vegetables in my ear. Or maybe when a person’s pants are just a wee bit too short.

I am currently a flexitarian.

I speak in movie quotes. I have heard that it’s pretty annoying.

I want to be Kelly Ripa when I grow up—and I’d like Jeff Probst to be my co-host please and thanks.

I *might* be allergic to nuts. I don’t know if I am yet. Don’t feed me any almonds unless you are capable of using an epipen. Related: I’m really good at taking care of myself. See: the dental work I have been pushing off for six months.

I once modeled for a Harlequin cover. Sort of. 

I am (too) passionate about indie folk music.

Fargo, Sleepers, The Godfather II, Back to the Future, and Almost Famous pretty much round out my top five movies.

I can still fit into the dress I wore to my Bat Mitzvah. And sometimes I wear it, just for fun.

I don’t like boats. Or ferries. Or cruiseships. Or anything that moves on a body of water. If you force me to get on one, you better have some xanax.

The word SWELLS gives me the heebie jeebies.

The words HEEBIE JEEBIES gives me the heebie jeebies.

It’s probably best not to talk to me until I have had the largest coffee you can buy.

I can play the piano.

I can eat an entire pizza in one sitting.

I don’t drink enough water. I don’t drink enough alcohol. I will give you all of my drink tickets—you just have to ask.

I love Sean Penn. I have learned to make no apologies for this.

I will always have gum. And Tic Tacs. And TUMS.

There is little in life that scares me more than clowns. Or vomiting. Or Benjamin Linus.

The literal video edition of Total Eclipse of the Heart is my absolute favorite thing on the internet ever.

My first crush was on Donny Osmond. I still occasionally have inappropriate dreams about him.

I am shorter than you think.

I don’t like potatoes.

I will likely be wearing the wrong shoes.

There is no way you can dance worse than I do. BUT, I can do the entire Thriller dance.

History is like porn to me, and I watch the History Channel more than the average person probably should.

I am emotionally attached to fictional characters. 

I eat cereal for dinner. A lot.

I add random yiddish words into my lexicon. A lot.

This is what I look like.

Ali Martell

Please come and say hi. And hug me. I’m a hugger, you know.


  1. YEAH! Looking forward to seeing you!

    Comment by jodifur on August 1, 2012
  2. Me too! xoxo

    Comment by ali on August 1, 2012
  3. I’ll try to find you in the crowd, I’m a hugger too 🙂

    Comment by Elizabeth on August 1, 2012
  4. I’m hard to spot, on account of, well, the height issue. But definitely come and find me!

    Comment by ali on August 1, 2012
  5. Not sure how tall you are, but I’m only 4’11’. If you’re short too, we’ll spot each other because we’ll be at eye level, surrounded by giants LOL

    Comment by Elizabeth on August 1, 2012
  6. This.
    “The literal video edition of Total Eclipse of the Heart is my absolute favorite thing on the internet ever.”

    I know, right??! Mine too

    Love this post 🙂

    Comment by alison kramer on August 1, 2012
  7. We are meant to be, you and I.

    When can I see your pretty face?

    Comment by ali on August 1, 2012
  8. sadly, not at blogher. but soon i hope!

    Comment by alison kramer on August 1, 2012
  9. I get to see you soon!

    And get my tea! 🙂

    Comment by Kristabella on August 1, 2012
  10. I know that is the reason you really want to see me. hahaha.

    Comment by ali on August 1, 2012
  11. Duh.

    Comment by Kristabella on August 1, 2012
  12. I love Sean Penn, too. And Godfather II is one of my most favorite movies. And we can about Mad Men the entire flight to NYC!

    Comment by Loukia on August 1, 2012
  13. Obviously. Am so excited to discuss it with you!

    Comment by ali on August 1, 2012
  14. I’m so hugging you hard.

    Comment by Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] on August 1, 2012
  15. What a great post. Love your choice of movies, though I’d put Say Anything and RoboCop in there myself.

    As for your nut allergy, have you ever been tested? (My son’s allergic, so I’m real handy with an epipen…)

    There is no way I’d ever fit into my Bar Mitzvah suit. Though that’s probably a good thing since I was certainly shorter then.

    Hope I bump into you at BlogHer! Have a great show!

    Comment by Andrew Kardon on August 1, 2012
  16. I’m currently waiting to get in to see an allergist…first appointment is…September. So right now I have an epipen and instructions to avoid all nuts. 😉

    Comment by ali on August 1, 2012
  17. There is sooo a joke or two in there… 😉

    Comment by Andrew Kardon on August 1, 2012
  18. […] by Ali Martell (I’m assuming her last name is Martell, based on her domain name) entitled The Five-Minute Guide to Alimartell. In preparation for BlogHer, Ali decided to forgo writing about the conference itself, and […]

    Pingback by Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Andrew Kardon | Mommy's Busy... Go Ask Daddy on August 1, 2012
  19. I think I will now spend the rest of the afternoon watching all of the literal video versions on YouTube. Thank you.
    Have fun at the conference.

    Comment by Gamanda on August 1, 2012
  20. I am not at BlogHer, I will be going to BlissDom but we actually met at the YummyMummyClub Tea Tweet-up awhile back, and you were quite lovely.

    Comment by AlwaysARedhead on August 1, 2012
  21. Enjoy blogger! Nice getting to know you better. lovely post.

    Comment by Corey Feldman on August 1, 2012
  22. I also speak in movie quotes AND, message me when you get back and I’ll send you some good fiction to fall in love with. Good fictional characters are my imaginary friends. Have fun!

    Comment by Nuala Reilly on August 1, 2012
  23. Hilarious! Would love to sit down for a drink with you one day.

    Comment by Karyn Climans on August 2, 2012
  24. Im pretty excited to see you in NYC, especially since we never seem to manage to get together at HOME. :p

    Comment by Alex on August 2, 2012
  25. i thought j.lo’s term “goosies” gave you the heebie jeebies? 🙂

    you had me at “flexitarian”. but entertaining post, as usual.

    Comment by pudgy on August 2, 2012
  26. This just made me miss you. 🙂
    Freaking amazing post. Made me think:
    “The truth just..sounds different..”
    PS doing some “Ali” design on the plane to Van. Maybe.

    Comment by Kat on August 2, 2012
  27. So many of these things apply to me too. It’s eerie.

    Comment by Avitable on August 8, 2012

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