“What anatomical part is sometimes referred to as the banana, the beezer, and the bugle?”

“I mean, is there a right answer here that isn’t penis? And did you say Beejer?“

This is why I can’t win at Trivial Pursuit. 

I came really close, too. I answered some really easy questions about my Spanish-speaking mechanic (really, Trivial Pursuit? Spanish-speaking mechanic?) and some really ridiculous questions that no one should ever know the answer to. But alas. No. It wasn’t not meant to be. Because I can’t keep my brain out of the toilet.

“It’s a nose, Ali. Stop being 12 years old.”

“Lies. This game is full of lies.”

I am in Milwaukee, celebrating the week of Passover with my family, as I am prone to do every year. Passover makes me frustrated and angry and confused about why we can’t do certain things and why we can, so it’s way easier for me to pack up my family and drive the just-under-ten hours to Wisconsin to move in with my parents and drink Starbucks Kosher for Passover VIA coffee and not eat quinoa, even with a mostly broken ass.

Oh, yes, I have mentioned once—or a thousand times—that I may or may not be the owner of a broken tailbone as a result of a very unsightly ass-over-teakettle tumble down my hardwood steps while I was single parenting last week. It’s incredibly painful, so I am high-as-a-kite hopped up on drugs (I’M A GOLDEN GOD! I’M ON DRUGS!) and the eight cups of wine I was required by Jewish law to drink, which is certainly helping for when I have to sit in the car for many, many hours and sit through long (albeit hilariously full of good times) seders. Also, the bruise, you guys. It’s vast and horrifying—I’d show it to you if I didn’t think you’d pass out. My kids have started calling it BRUISE WAYNE and I double-over with the giggles every time they say it because man I have raised those kids right.

Sure, we end up sleeping (or not sleeping) five to a room and only have one bathroom, but it’s worth it not to have to boil up my kitchen and spend thousands of dollars to only eat Passover-certified food that is almost always chock full of nuts (Damn you allergies. I curse you!) to make it not taste like garbage.

Also, I get to spend time with my family, playing games like Trivial Pursuit.

And digging up gems like this.

The most hilarious part of this photo—and it was tough to pick a best—was not my pants or train engineer hat. No. It was when Emily took one look at my sister and said,

“OH MY GOD I HAVE THOSE PANTS.”

She totally does. We bought them last week.

I wonder if she is wishing I kept those blue Hammer pants for her now. And my super cool red-banded Swatch watch.