I am going to attempt to work through my list of ridiculously important things to tell the internets, mostly because you don’t really want to hear about my weekend of lying around in my pajamas, drinking coffee and eating donuts (4.5 total, but who’s counting really?!)(well, besides Mr. Jones the scale)(yes, his name is Mr. Jones)(silver lining…I am apparently feeling better…what with all the stuffing-of-the-gob action that went down this weekend)
But today? Today we are going to talk about THE SUBWAY.
The subway and I have an interesting history. There was time when I was afraid of the subway…because, well, I had heard things. Tales of ROUSes that live on the tracks and tales of having to wear a SARS mask to not get TBÂ and tales of scary, naked people, um, touching pregnant bellies. These kinds of things made me love the hell out of my car, no matter how much traffic there is and no matter how much I had to pay for parking.
Until I grew up. and realized that even though things happen on the subway…
Like that time I totally got lost in NY and, yanno, couldn’t call her because of the whole underground thing.
Like that time I got FARTED on by a man in brown wide-wale cords on my way down to the TIFF in Toronto.
Like that time I offered up my seat to a visibly pregnant woman by saying, â€œdo you want to sit?â€ and she answered, â€œoh! iâ€™m not pregnant!â€ and then I died.
Like that time on the way home from seeing High School Musical On Tour and a bald lady with bongos started singing God Bless America.
See…here’s the thing. The Subway is always an adventure. You always see the most interesting people on the subway, and of course, I always make sure to point them out…”Look at the girl wearing the tights and the shorts! When the hell is that going to die?” “Look at all the men in the skinny jeans!” “Look at the girl who is dressed like a smurf”
and, most recently…
“Look at the man who is a dead ringer for Albert Einstein who is dressed like a professorslashclown hybrid! And, lo, look what he’s doing…ohmigod..HE IS FLOSSING ON THE SUBWAY! Let me just pull out my camera and take a picture! Angie and Meghan, please pretend that I am taking your picture, thanks. ”
which, obviously, he caught on to…because as soon as my camera came out, he flipped his entire body around. Camera shy, it seems. But, still totally happy to keep up with his personal hygiene habits….
Now, which would you rather hear about tomorrow? The “Williams Sonoma price porn/history” or the “Diane arbus – fur movie/scary twins shudder nightmares” or “website Ali = George Bush. SENIOR” ?? (yes, these are actual excerpts from the list)