November 16 09

I am going to attempt to work through my list of ridiculously important things to tell the internets, mostly because you don’t really want to hear about my weekend of lying around in my pajamas, drinking coffee and eating donuts (4.5 total, but who’s counting really?!)(well, besides Mr. Jones the scale)(yes, his name is Mr. Jones)(silver lining…I am apparently feeling better…what with all the stuffing-of-the-gob action that went down this weekend)

But today? Today we are going to talk about THE SUBWAY.

The subway and I have an interesting history. There was time when I was afraid of the subway…because, well, I had heard things. Tales of ROUSes that live on the tracks and tales of having to wear a SARS mask to not get TB  and tales of scary, naked people, um, touching pregnant bellies. These kinds of things made me love the hell out of my car, no matter how much traffic there is and no matter how much I had to pay for parking.

Until I grew up. and realized that even though things happen on the subway…

Like that time I totally got lost in NY and, yanno, couldn’t call her because of the whole underground thing.

Like that time I got FARTED on by a man in brown wide-wale cords on my way down to the TIFF in Toronto.

Like that time I offered up my seat to a visibly pregnant woman by saying, “do you want to sit?” and she answered, “oh! i’m not pregnant!” and then I died.

Like that time on the way home from seeing High School Musical On Tour and a bald lady with bongos started singing God Bless America.

See…here’s the thing. The Subway is always an adventure. You always see the most interesting people on the subway, and of course, I always make sure to point them out…”Look at the girl wearing the tights and the shorts! When the hell is that going to die?” “Look at all the men in the skinny jeans!” “Look at the girl who is dressed like a smurf”

and, most recently…

“Look at the man who is a dead ringer for Albert Einstein who is dressed like a professorslashclown hybrid! And, lo, look what he’s doing…ohmigod..HE IS FLOSSING ON THE SUBWAY! Let me just pull out my camera and take a picture! Angie and Meghan, please pretend that I am taking your picture, thanks. ”

which, obviously, he caught on to…because as soon as my camera came out, he flipped his entire body around. Camera shy, it seems. But, still totally happy to keep up with his personal hygiene habits….


Now, which would you rather hear about tomorrow? The “Williams Sonoma price porn/history” or the “Diane arbus – fur movie/scary twins shudder nightmares” or “website Ali = George Bush. SENIOR” ?? (yes, these are actual excerpts from the list)

  1. I just wish we had a picture of the girl with NO PANTS! I enjoyed the subway too but damn is it hard to keep a straight face at some of those people.

    Comment by Jen on November 16, 2009
  2. I shudder to think of all the things Einstein touched before he got on the subway and THEN proceeded to whip floss out, shove his hands into his mouth and clean his teeth. SHUDDER!!

    Comment by fadkog on November 16, 2009
  3. The weirdest/grossest thing I saw on the subway was this woman eating an apple, which was pretty normal, except every so often she’d spit out a whole long strip of apple peel, which was um, pretty NOT normal, and also, what the hell??
    I love that you took that faux photo.

    Comment by Jen on November 16, 2009
  4. I’ve never been on a subway. Will you go with me and protect me from the ROUS? (On another more technical note: Since ROUS stands for Rodents of Unusual Size, isn’t it in and of itself plural?)

    Comment by Avitable on November 16, 2009
  5. I want to hear about the “Diane arbus – fur movie/scary twins shudder nightmares” because I can’t figure out if I should know that name and am too lazy to google it.
    .-= Giblet´s last blog ..Olive Oil-Poached Halibut with Brussel Sprouts and Mushrooms =-.

    Comment by Giblet on November 16, 2009
  6. I also vote for “Diane arbus – fur movie/scary twins shudder nightmares”, because the fur aspect intrigues me. Not sure why.

    Einstein’s pink tie I’m sure is quite swank. I bet he just dropped the floss on the floor of the subway car when he was done. Yeesh.

    Comment by Nenette on November 16, 2009
  7. I vote Williams Sonoma!

    Comment by Lottifish on November 16, 2009
  8. Avitable…hey, so, in the movie, Princess Buttercup says, “what about the ROUSes?” which is why I say it like that…but, yes, I guess it would be wrong 😉

    Comment by ali on November 16, 2009
  9. True confession: I have NEVER been on a subway. (The Vancouver Skytrain doesn’t count.)

    Comment by Angella on November 16, 2009
  10. hahahaha love it! the subway is always filled with crazies 🙂

    Comment by Bronnie on November 16, 2009
  11. Two things:

    1. I want to point out that I am holding anti-bacterial gel in my hand.

    2. I look like I’m going to eat Meghan, which by the looks of our size difference, may be plausible.

    I need to work out.

    And also, you can’t really see it in the picture, but Albert Einstein totally had a whole glob of DROOL coming out of his mouth from the floss. Hence, the anti-bacterial gel in my hands.

    Comment by Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] on November 17, 2009
  12. I’ve also never been on a Subway, but we DO have lightrail here and I’ve had the pleasure of sitting with many, um, colorful people.

    Comment by Rhi on November 17, 2009
  13. A recent MARTA trip included having to sit in front of a guy clipping his fingernails for most of the ride. I walked away totally grossed out, sure that one of them had flown into my hair ack!!

    Comment by Katherine on November 17, 2009

    Thankfully my train was too packed this morning so I stood by the door and read my book and made no eye contact. Because public transit brings out the weirdos.

    Comment by Kristabella on November 17, 2009
  15. I miss the subways of NYC. Thanks for bringing back good memories.

    Comment by Kate on November 18, 2009
  16. […] I might be a mean mom, but at least I can rest peacefully knowing she can ride the subway disease-free. I can’t make any promises about Albert Einstein flossing his teeth, however. […]

    Pingback by The Case For School Uniforms, Number #2749 | Cheaper Than Therapy on September 20, 2014

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