You know who shops the last few days before Christmas? Exactly two kinds of people: Crazy people and Canadians. I know this because I have spent the better portion of the last three days inside at least two malls and at least two Targets and I have seen both types of people. Take, for instance, the droopy-pantsed, Ed Hardy-underpantsed, mostly-gold-toothed young man who was attempting to return a pair of earphones and a pair of speakers that he hadn’t seemed to have purchased. I watched in horror as the Target police came out in their (blue! Not red!) uniforms to form a SWAT-like circle around him to inspect his bogus receipt and send him packing. See. Crazy people.

Anyway, I have been spending so much time in American houses of worship stores that I forgot to tell you all about my flight to Atlanta. Apparently, other people have heard the news that AirTran practically gives tickets away on flights from Buffalo, so this flight was more packed than packed. We are thinking that next time Isabella doesn’t even need a seat. She’s small enough to fit under the seat in front of me…or at least in the overhead bins.

Well, I knew we were in trouble when Jabba the Hut in her church clothes (including her pill box hat) just happened to be the sixth one in row 21. She stole the window seat away from us, and guess who she got to sit beside? JUST GUESS. Although, if I’m being honest, half her ass was sitting in the window seat and the other half was sitting in the middle seat (read: my seat) so my firstborn and I shared a seat the entire flight. That was super fun. Kevin Smith would have been pleased that the lady beside me stood up for her largess and didn’t opt to pay for a second seat on the plane. I tell you what…no part of that woman was fitting under the seat in front of her. I almost gave her the $45 to buy the business class upgrade.

And then there were the women behind me. The three drunk Mary Murphy sisters.

(HOT TAMALE TRAIN!)

The ones who got on the plane drunk and continued to drink for the duration of the flight. They were burping and farting and scaring the hell out of poor Indy who was yelping in his bag. He loves to travel…he doesn’t like to listen to three loud women screaming “Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!” and clapping like damn fools.

I wish I was making this up.

Thanks, AirTran, for making it up to me by giving me free wifi on the flight, which not only allowed me to share THE CRAZY with the entire internet, but it allowed me the time to teach my daughter to play roulette and google ways to get my daughter to stop chewing on her sleeves.

Okay, fine. Maybe I fit in both the Canadian AND the crazy category. Either way, I’ll be at Target again tomorrow. With out without my protective Nerf glasses.