January 27 10

When I was little I was raised by this little thing called TELEVISION, you may have heard of it. It’s true. I had four working parents and so we were left in the capable hands of  my maternal grandparents who spoke half-German, half-Yiddish, half-English (come on, it was the 80s, the math doesn’t have to add up) and who loved three things: feeding us junk food, reading quality magazines, i.e., The National Enquirer, and watching the boob tube. At the time I felt lucky. My grandparents allowed me to sit thisclose to the TV watching whatever I wanted while I shoveled such fancy dinners as pizza bagels and frozen waffles into my pre-teen gob.

Even know, it kind of shocks me when I come across a movie or a tv show that I haven’t seen. Because I saw it ALL….I wasn’t picky. I watched Y&R with my Zayda…”Leesheenu…Victor Newman teaches me the English, you see?” That’s what he called me. Leesheenu. I watched game shows with my Bubbie because, you guys, she would have kicked ass at all of them. The woman couldn’t speak English to save her life, but she could solve every Wheel of Fortune puzzle and knew the price, down the dollar, of every single product shown by Bob Barker’s chesty assistants on The Price is Right. My bubbie, she dreamed of going to LA, just so she could sit in the audience of a game show. Dream big, she did. I watched MASH with my mom…every single damn episode and LA Law with my stepdad and every scifi and action movie my dad had on laserdisc and the weepy after-school special, Monday night movie-type with my stepmom, cartoons with my brother, teen shows with my sister.

And it shocks me when I come across a movie or tv show that no one else on the entire planet has seen. Like Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael. I quote that movie all the time; when Dinky Bossetti says, “It’s good to want things” and no one has any stinkin’ clue what I am talking about and I refer to Melissa Ethridge’s “I Will Never Be the Same” as “In Roxy’s Eyes.” And there’s the other Winona Ryder movie…the other movie with Jake Ryan in it where he still wears sweaters and looks all hunkilicious and they have sex in the church bell tower while little Christina Ricci almost drowns. oh, and Cher is in it too.

And nobody on earth, with the exception of my brother, has seen Monster Squad and understands my love for Andre Gower and when I say that Wolfman’s got nards, I get THE LOOK from people, but mostly I just feel bad for them that they don’t know from its wonder. And I know that no one else saw Pet Sematary at least 87 times. And I guarantee that no one else in fourth grade knew who Tim Curry was because no one else had seen Clue or that TV movie, The Worst Witch

that is so much better than ANY Harry Potter movie you will ever see, even the one where Robert Pattinson makes his pre-Edward appearance. And has anyone out there seen Hello, Again? You know, the horrific Shelly Long movie where she comes back from the dead to cause chaos and wonder what’s happened on Knot’s Landing? No? No one?

And I know people try to say that they used to watch The New Mickey Mouse club but they are totally liars and they totally didn’t and now only pretend to have watched it because Britney Spears was once on it. But, really, they are just liars, because they weren’t ridiculous like I was and taped it every single day and still has about 17 vcr tapes with shitty quality recordings of every. single. episode.  I bet you know none of those liars knows what Emerald Cove was and I bet they don’t know who Matt Morris was when he sang Hallelujah for Haiti with Justin Timberlake this week. And no one else watched Kids Incorporated and knew who Fergie was back when she was still called Stacy and who Jennifer Love Hewitt was back when she was called Love. K I D S yeah!

OH! and that movie with Kirk Cameron and Dudley Moore where they switch places! and the one with Fred Savage and Judge Reinhold where THEY switch places too!

Admit it, you are kind of jealous of my childhood.

Or maybe you are a little bit afraid of me.

Either way. I’m off to stuff my face with frozen waffles and pizza bagels.

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  1. I have to know this, did you watch The Pirate Movie? I have yet to know anyone who watched it or who has even heard of it yet my sisters and I watched it about a billion times! And to watch it today kills me because as a kid I NEVER picked up on the sexual inuendo in it. So funny.

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    Comment by Ginny on January 27, 2010
  2. YES!! I HAVE SEEN IT!!

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    Comment by ali on January 27, 2010
  3. We had cable for like what seemed like a day when I was younger. HBO used to play Ghandi all day, every day.

    But while we had it, I LOVED KIDS Incorporated!

    I haven’t seen most of these movies of which you speak, but Clue is one we would watch on repeat. Probably because all three of us kids enjoyed it!

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    Comment by Kristabella on January 27, 2010
  4. I actually did watch the new mickey mouse club, emerald cove was like their mini soap thing. And i loved kids incorporated!!! :)

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    Comment by TammiMarie on January 27, 2010
  5. I am SO with you. I watched everything you listed (except Monster Squad). But you missed one of my favorites. Did you ever see Think Big. It had Ari Meyers (from Kate and Allie) and these twin truckers who picked her up hitchhiking. The song it runs through my head “You got to think big…” And what about Today’s Special? With the mannequin that came to life at night?
    .-= Jaime´s last blog ..Maybe Mom Wasn’t So Wrong After All =-.

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    Comment by Jaime on January 27, 2010
  6. I LOVED Matt Morris! And the Kids Incorporated song pops into my head every now and then. Oh the good ol days.

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    Comment by Jordan on January 27, 2010
  7. I think I watched TV as much as you, but my Maw-Maw usually had it tuned to TBS in the morning: Bewitched, Hazel, Little House and Perry Mason. After lunch: TMC: westerns, Tammy movies, Gidget. My tv peers are 80, but I’m 34. Made for some strange stares from my actual peers when I’d quote lines from Ethel Merman LOL

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    Comment by Cristan on January 27, 2010
  8. Clue is still one of my most favorite movies. I think I was 10 (3rd grade) when I first saw it — I remember watching it in my babysitter’s basement theater room.

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    Comment by Darcey on January 27, 2010
  9. I swear we had an almost identical childhood! I only had one sibling and my mom, but I had the time with gramdma and the junk food and television ALL THE TIME. I remember nearly all of the stuff you mentioned. So awesome to finally find someone as full of useless/usefull tv and movie knowledge as me!

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    Comment by Jamie on January 27, 2010
  10. i so have watched that winona ryder and christina ricci movie, but only in the last decade or so when it replays on some knock-off channel. i can never remember it in it’s entirity and have never known the name of it. guess i’ll have to IMDB it sometime. Did you ever watch a cartoon about a bunch of sheep dogs who were different colors (one would be blue and white, one was pink and white etc) who helped people (kind of like a care bear themed knock-off)? i cannot for the life of me remember what it was called and no one i know has any clue what i am talking about…. even googling it hasn’t worked. i think it may have been called “poochies” or “puffies” or something… please help me not be crazy…
    .-= K-Tee´s last blog ..Mailbag =-.

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    Comment by K-Tee on January 27, 2010
  11. OMG! My sister and I were obsessed with MMC! VHS tapes filled up our room. We recorded the songs on cassette so we could take them everywhere. We learned the dance moves to use for Dance Team. We went to the concert in the Target parking lot when they released their CD which I still love! (but is missing from my ipod…must fix!) And this began my long standing crush of JC Chasez from, what, 1991 on…way before NSYNC. And now I know what I will be Google-ing all day

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    Comment by Amanda G. on January 27, 2010
  12. The Clue movie rocked! I loved it.

    Also? NO idea about Fergie/Kids Inc, but I was never a big fan of that show in the first place.

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    Comment by SciFi Dad on January 27, 2010
  13. Mermaids is still one of my favorite movies!! I own it on VHS and DVD believe it or not. And hasn’t everyone seen Hello Again?! I am still afraid of small chicken bones!

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    Comment by NEWMOM on January 27, 2010
  14. The only reason I know some of those movies is because I’m old enough to have seen them in the theatre. But really, who hasn’t seen Mermaids or The Pirate Movie? Come on! Never seen One Tree Hill, though ;)

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    Comment by Tamara on January 27, 2010
  15. Clue was the camp movie that was watched a million times!

    I loved KIDS incorporated, The New Mickey Mouse club and Today’s special!

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    Comment by Gila on January 27, 2010
  16. Clue is still amazing. I have it on DVD I love it that much. Communism was just a red herring.
    Anyway, Todays Special was one of my favorties as well as Pinwheels Playhouse, which no one seems to remember but me.
    I spent most afternoons and holidays with my grandparents. Every day was the same: 9am Kathy Lee and Regis, 10am The Price is Right, 11 am The Young and the Restless. My mother used to over her my grandparents and me discussing Cricket’s new haircut on Y&R. She thought it was someone we knew!

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    Comment by Christina on January 27, 2010
  17. What about the Edison Twins!?!?! Mousercise? Dumbo’s Circus?!?!

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    Comment by Alison of a Gun on January 27, 2010
  18. De-lurking to say, FINALLY someone else who grew up with The Monster Squad, a love for Andre Gower, and the phrase, “Wolfman’s got nards.” I forced my husband to watch TMS, which he thought was “OK.” Sigh. Those kids who played outside more just don’t understand.

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    Comment by Shannon on January 27, 2010
  19. oh my god Monster Squad was the best and Worst Witch made me LOVE tim curry. I wonder if I can find monster squad on netflix….must watch that again soon.

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    Comment by Kara on January 27, 2010
  20. You are not alone! I love every single show you talked about. And now I can’t get the damn Kids Inc song out of my head.
    And K-Tee, are you thinking of the popples? Those things were awesome.
    To make a long story short, “TOOO LATE!”

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    Comment by Amanda on January 27, 2010
  21. Girl, I lived with two working parents and was in charge of my sister from the age of NINE. We watched a whole lotta boob tube. :)
    .-= Angella´s last blog ..I Believe In Miracles =-.

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    Comment by Angella on January 27, 2010
  22. I have never seen ANY of those movies/shows! I feel so…lost.

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    Comment by Suzy Voices on January 27, 2010
  23. I think we may have been related. I saw every single one of those shows/ movies too!

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    Comment by Sunday Stilwell on January 27, 2010
  24. Ali, I was also raised on TV. I remember all those shows and nearly all those movies. I remember making a special movie trip with my best friend to see Like Father, Like Son. I watched every episode of Fame. I loved the Growing Pains spin-off Just the 10 of Us. We still watch Clue o9n a monthly basis at our house (2+2+1+1). God bless 80s Tv and all the goodness! (By the way, Mermaids is a fav. I still wish I could serve a dinner of nothing but appetizers!)

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    Comment by Karen on January 27, 2010
  25. You have quite the privileged life, alimartell.

    I mean this with all sincerity – I’m the kid who had an anxiety attack in 4th grade when I was on restriction from watching The Cosby Show.

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    Comment by Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] on January 27, 2010
  26. Totally just got The Worst Witch on netflix last month!

    I watched a TON of Quantum Leap with my brother. None of my friends even know who Scott Bakula is…

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    Comment by Maile on January 27, 2010
  27. I have seen Welcome Home Roxy Carmichael! And Mermaids! And I was a huge fan of Kids Inc when it was on. I also watched the Mickey Mouse Club and had duel crushes on Chase and Damon. This was before Britney and JT of course.

    One movie from my childhood that I love that no one else seems to love… Howard the Duck!

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    Comment by Carrisa on January 27, 2010
  28. I LOVE Welcome Home Roxy Carmichael. I also love Mermaid. I was raised by my tv also. it was grand.

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    Comment by Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy on January 28, 2010
  29. The Worst Witch is so one of the best all time movies, EVAH! And, Kids Incorporated was such a much see. I still rap the MMC theme in my head and it took me forever to be able to sing the original one (let’s ignore that I tried to sing it at all, shall we?). Granted, I didn’t get cable until I was in 3rd grade, but I think I caught up well. And thanks, I know have K I D S stuck in my head!

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    Comment by Spring B on January 28, 2010
  30. One word: Explorers. Remember it?

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    Comment by Avitable on January 28, 2010
  31. I’m scared that I knew most of what you were talking about!

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    Comment by Kate on January 28, 2010
  32. The Pirate movie…where cartoons entered the movie? I remember that one! I used to watch Kids Incorporated all the time!

    What about the grandma robot who poured juice out of her fingers?!?!

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    Comment by amy Purvis on January 28, 2010
  33. You are so right! I didn’t watch the New Mickey Mouse Club, because back then (the “OLD” days) The Disney Channel was not free and my parents were too cheap to pay for it monthly. So I had to watch after school specials, except for that very rare occasion when the Disney Channel was running one of its 3 day free previews and I was all about running home and watching it for 3 days straight, you know, until it went back to static!!!

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    Comment by AmazingGreis on January 28, 2010
  34. My parents refused to get us cable when I was a kid. I was pretty much the only kid in my class… If TV taught me one thing… Gobots IS NOT Transformers.
    .-= Giblet´s last blog ..The Taco Dog =-.

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    Comment by Giblet on January 28, 2010
  35. One of the kids from Kids Incorporated went to Jennster’s elementary school. :) Also, I’m embarrassed to add that I watched Small Wonder (terrible, terrible show) and Charles In Charge. And, tell me this—did you listen to the group The Party? :)

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    Comment by alison on January 28, 2010
  36. i totally watched kids incorporated… and the MMC club, i was too old for it, but totally watched it anyway.
    ali is right.. he went to my jr high though. ryan! lol
    THE PARTY! omg alison, remember when we saw them at the mall?!?!! hahahaha i still have all their cd’s!
    .-= jennster´s last blog ..we did naughty things to our waiter =-.

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    Comment by jennster on January 28, 2010
  37. Oh dear: it’s like my entire childhood displayed before my eyes. To this day Clue ranks up there as one my all time favorite movies and I perpetually wonder what happened to Michael Schoeffling. And just the other day the new Melissa Ethridge song came on the radio and I thought: “Damn her voice has dropped an octave” and then I had sweet, sweet memories of Roxy Carmichael. I’ve seen every “switcheroo” movie out there (Oh how I pined for Fred Savage back in the day) and I can also admit to having seen every movie Shelly Long ever made. Sigh. Although really – does anything top her death scene in Outrageous Fortune? All you’re missing from your childhood is Grease 2.
    .-= Rougeneck´s last blog ..I Put The Crazy In Insane =-.

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    Comment by Rougeneck on January 28, 2010
  38. I LOVE Mermaids. Would just watch it over and over (for Jake Ryan). I also can’t find episodes of Rags to Riches or Out of This World. Those ones are never for sell. What is up with that?

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    Comment by Andrea on January 29, 2010
  39. Oh man, I watched the hell out of the new Mickey Mouse Club and Kids Inc. In fact, I only recently got rid of my VHS tapes which had a zillion episodes of those shows. I was obsessed.

    I admit that I stopped watching MMC *just* before the justin/britney/christina years, though.

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    Comment by April on January 30, 2010
  40. Mermaids? Was my favorite movie for years. I was also raised by TV. Gotta love divorced parents. I saw Monster Squad, Clue and The Worst Witch. no joke.

    Also? Stacey..ie Fergie was a a complete mean girl, but her mother was a nightmare and everyone knew where she got it from. Love…was a big ole whiner, but was nice enough and played with me. When I was five, my mom designed the clothes for Kids Incorporated. Ahem.

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    Comment by Issa on January 31, 2010
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