him: what’s wrong with you tonight?
me: i hate thursdays. they are such a total pain in the ass. and it doesn’t help that i’m trying to watch McSteamy…mmm…McSteamy while you are watching South Park on your laptop right next to me and are laughing like a hyena every 30 seconds. yes, i get that George Lucas raping Indiana Jones while Steven Spielberg watches is hilarious, but can’t you do that when my show is over? and why the fuck are you wearing sunglasses in bed?
him: because you didn’t turn off the light.
me: you know you could get up and turn off the light yourself, right?
him: back to why you are so hostile.
me: well, let’s start with carpool. where i have to physically fight the alphamoms in the parking lot. i have scratch marks, dammit! scratch marks! why are moms insane?
and then let’s talk about Vibe. talk about tiring. and then my trip to the dollar store, which, ps, i totally do not recommend stepping foot in on Halloween eve. there were 5 billion people in there, looking for last minute Halloween stuff.
me: i know. i mean, i had the good sense to go on WEDNESDAY. only losers wait until Thursday.
and then we can talk about the breakdown Isabella had after dance because she wanted chips and i didn’t have any chips. and then let’s talk about the fact that she unbuckled her carseat TWICE in the car on the way home from Vibe. so then i had to take away her dessert for being such a pain in the ass. and then you know what she did?
me: she gave me my very own pain in the ass. she fucking BIT me. on my ass. through my yoga pants. i have teeth marks. and i think there was blood. our daughter is a vampire.
him: you know what’s funny about that? you totally did that to your sister.
me: not funny.
him: yes funny. i bet your sister would think it was funny.
me: um, and then we can talkabout your homemade beef jerky, shall we? it’s totally going to make you sick. i mean, there’s a reason that we COOK our meat nowadays. we have the resources to do so. we have a fucking OVEN. why do you need to hang meat in my basement?
him: you should try it. it’s great.
me: there’s no way i would ever try it. i don’t want e.coli
him: it’s funny you are worried about my jerky. you should probably be more worried about the Indian food you had at lunch.
me: great. now i need xanax. thanks for that.
him: it’s funny that they call that place The Host….since really YOU are the host and they are the parasite.
me: great. now i need 2 xanaxes.
him: funny. i kind of thought last Thursday [the day he took the girls to dance when i was out of town] was totally RELAXING.
me: you know there’s no way you are having sex tonight, right?