July 25 08

i am very open about the fact that i’m a really shitty liar. i swear. i am. if i’m lying, you will know. i cannot bring myself to tell you that your baby is cute if he looks like an old wrinkled man. and i cannot tell you that no, those pants don’t make your ass look wide and big. i’m a bad, bad liar.

so, what we have here is an experiment…can i lie onscreen??

4 of these 10 things are big fat lies. the others…TRUE. so, which ones? first person to get it right gets a CD…made by ME. and maybe there will be some candy. just maybe. if i like you ;)

1. i took ballet for many, many years. we started in the basement of a bowling alley. we danced – or attempted to dance – while my mom bowled. can you get any more midwest than that? anyhoo. i quit ballet. because they wouldn’t let me wear underwear. oh, the irony. since i don’t wear any underwear at all anymore (except with jeans. which is exactly the opposite of my blogher roomie and snark partner, slynnro). perhaps i should take up ballet again?

2. i have never smoked a cigarette in my life. ever. sure, i enjoy the sauce. why yes, i do. (Gladys Hardy and i drink a little) beer. scotch. vodka. i drink it all…except the fruity stuff. fruit does not belong in an alcoholic beverage. (it also doesn’t belong in cake, if we’re being honest. pie? yes. cake? hells no) but i politely say ‘no thank you’ to the cigarettes. the smell of them alone makes me want to vomit…and we know how i feel about vomit

(can you pass the pie?)

3. i am embarrassed to tell you how old i was when i realized that the underground railroad was never actually something that was underground. hint: it wasn’t that long ago. but, i can name all the states and capitals and i can fill in a blank map of the entire North and South Americas…including countries, states, provinces and capitals…so take that underground railroad!

4. i can touch the tip of my tongue to my nose. and curl my tongue in all sorts of fancy shapes, like the flower. my tongue? FLEXIBLE. admit it, you’re a little turned on right now, right?

(obviously, this isn’t me…)

5. i only drink out of disposable containers. i cannot use a plastic cup (ew) or even a glass, even if i watched it come out of the dishwasher. oh, and once someone uses a cup of mine (including my children), i can’t drink out of it again. this stems back to my days when i worked at a camp.

the summer after 10th grade (i think?), when you are too old to be considered a camper, and too young to be put in charge of other people’s children…there’s a program called ‘Avodah’ which translated from Hebrew means WORK. yes, our parents sent us to camp to work. only we didn’t get paid.

long story short…we had to do things like clean the bathrooms and do something called ‘garbage run’ which is every bit as repulsive as it sounds. and then there was kitchen duty, where 16-year-old assholes were put in charge of washing the dishes. only we didn’t really wash them. we rinsed them. and then stacked them, still wet, and put them out for kids to use at the next meal.

it’s amazing more kids didn’t die at Camp Moshava.

6. i always, always have an elastic hair tie around my wrist, for emergency purposes. because, really, you never know when something like this will strike…

and i always like to be prepared. i also always have an emergency jaw clip. this, friends, is a jaw clip:

but the thing is, for me, i don’t actually use them in my hair. occasionally, but really, the jaw clip spends most of its time clasped to one of my fingers. i guess its a (nervous?) habit. and i have them everywhere. attached to my keys. attached to my purse. attached to my steering wheel. and, of course, attached to my fingers. it’s weird, i know.

7. i judge books by their covers. and sometimes spend hours in bookstores just looking at covers. occasionally, on my way home from work, i will stop at Indigo

buy myself a latte – or possibly, one of these…

(the chocolate banana?? it’s holycrapohmygod good)

and just walk up and down the aisles. and then i will buy. not one or two. i’ll probably buy 6 or 7. this is what i do instead of going to the gym. instead of working on my ass, i’m working on my brain. and my bank account.

8. speaking of working out, i don’t do it any more. the only exercise i get is walking up the two flights of stairs to my cubicle. well, that’s not entirely true. i do pilates. the old school winsor pilates. and i have them on VHS tapes. my stepdad once bought them off of an infomercial and of course, since he’s not the getupandgo type either, i stole them. and i use them. on a mini-tv-vcr combo in our bedroom. because other than this, we don’t have a vcr anymore. how sad is that?

9. i am somewhat of a slob and a pack-rat, but i have certain OCD tendencies that surface every once in a while. my kitchen cabinets are ridiculously neat. food products and boxes are arranged BY COLOR and size. if my nanny mistakenly puts things in the wrong place, i can’t leave for work in the morning until i’ve put the items back into the right places. same goes for under my bathroom sink. everything by color.

10. my first cousin was the bass player in Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. until he died, of a drug overdose. the last time i saw him was at his father’s – my uncle’s – funeral. the only thing i remember was that he was wearing leather pants.

ps.

come see me over at Juice...where you can check out the Christian the Lion video (if you haven’t already seen it…am…weeping), a song i REALLY dig, and my new ANTHROPOLOGIE skirt (also? my boobs look amazing. i think i shall wear that white shirt every day)

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  1. 1,7,9,10 are all lies!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Wendi on July 25, 2008
  2. Lies: ballent, underground railroad, tongue thing, drink thing.

    This was hard because YOU ARE A TOTAL WEIRDO.

    slynnros last blog post..Scenes From a Marriage: SPOILED EDITION

    [Reply]

    Comment by slynnro on July 25, 2008
  3. 1, 4, 7, 9 are lies.

    SciFi Dads last blog post..Quotes

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    Comment by SciFi Dad on July 25, 2008
  4. i have no idea…i can pick any lie out in real life (even if i let them slide) but onscreen? so much more difficult. i am gonna guess…1,3,4,9

    rachaels last blog post..Please help me win this stroller!

    [Reply]

    Comment by rachael on July 25, 2008
  5. 3,4,5 and 10?

    (although for your husband’s sake, I’m hoping #4 is true)

    [Reply]

    Comment by Matthew on July 25, 2008
  6. I say they’re all true, and you lied about there being four lies.

    [Reply]

    Comment by that girl on July 25, 2008
  7. This is hard and I’m sick today so… As much as I would love a CD from you (or even a TV show season *cough*) I’ll pass on guessing. But I cant wait to see which ones are true or not. Oh and I have to ask you about your book.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Miss on July 25, 2008
  8. Oh gosh…this IS hard. Okay. Um. 1, 5, 7, 9.

    [Reply]

    Comment by heather on July 25, 2008
  9. I’m a horrible liar and I have a hard time telling when anyone is lying, cept my kid. But I’m guessing that the last one is a lie and nine is true.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Issa on July 25, 2008
  10. i think 9 is a lie

    Beccas last blog post..Umm, should this worry me?

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    Comment by Becca on July 25, 2008
  11. I am a good liar. Too good in fact.

    I say the ballet, cup thing, cabinet organization and working out are the lies.

    the rest are too good to make up.

    [Reply]

    Comment by swirl girl on July 25, 2008
  12. 2, 3, 5 & 8 are LIES.

    That my guess. :)

    Kimberlys last blog post..My BlogHer Doggie Bag

    [Reply]

    Comment by Kimberly on July 25, 2008
  13. 1,3,5,7

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    Comment by aaron on July 25, 2008
  14. 3, 4, 5, and 7 are lies (I know seven is a lie because that drink is ewwww)

    Rhis last blog post..Friday Bullets!

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    Comment by Rhi on July 25, 2008
  15. i say 1,4,9, 10 are lies???

    [Reply]

    Comment by Mandi on July 25, 2008
  16. 4, 5, 7, 9 are lies.

    Backpacking Dads last blog post..Sauerkraut and Rumours

    [Reply]

    Comment by Backpacking Dad on July 25, 2008
  17. 2,3, 5 and 7.

    and yes, your skirt is adorable!

    [Reply]

    Comment by amy on July 25, 2008
  18. You know what? I have the worst headache right now. So I can’t even remember what number was what. But, I don’t remember seeing those clips on your fingers EVER…. And, who arranges things by colour? NOT you…. You’re not that kind of OCD type. I’d be shocked. That’s all I can remember right now!

    But, oh, one thing: Is that Harry Potter? And, another: I got those same tapes off that infomercial!

    Haley-Os last blog post..Cheaty Confession….

    [Reply]

    Comment by Haley-O on July 25, 2008
  19. How do I know they are not ALL lies, and that you aren’t a serial LIAR?

    Oh, right. Because we are twins and I AM A HORRIBLE LIAR.

    This is hard, though. Um…1, 3, 4, 7.

    Angellas last blog post..Permanent Vacation

    [Reply]

    Comment by Angella on July 25, 2008
  20. Okay…

    Lies are:

    #2 – Something had to stunt your growth.

    #5 – Cuz if true you are a weirdo

    #6 – You just wanted to use that photo

    #9 – See number 5

    By the way…Howie Epstein is your cuz? That is awesome. I am impressed. Now who is Vinnie Martell? (Yes, I google stalked you)

    Mikes last blog post..More Asian Love!!!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Mike on July 25, 2008
  21. I’m pretty sure 2, 4, and 8 are lies.

    I need one other one though… I’ll say 6, just because I don’t remember ever seeing you with the little jaw clippies on your fingers.

    Nancys last blog post..An ode to music teachers

    [Reply]

    Comment by Nancy on July 25, 2008
  22. 2, 4, 5, 7 are all lies…

    Karen Sugarpantss last blog post..10 Years

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    Comment by Karen Sugarpants on July 25, 2008
  23. This may be hard for me since I’m new here, but I am going to start right off the gate and say 7 is a lie because that drink sucks big time. Like what I imagine my kids’ underwear, steeped in hot water, would taste like. Also? I am big time OCD about the fridge and pantry, so reading that part got me a little giddy.

    Anyway, I’ll guess 5,7, 9, 10.

    differentkindofgirls last blog post..the post where i’m all ‘this is so not really a post…’

    [Reply]

    Comment by differentkindofgirl on July 25, 2008
  24. #1-Ballet, #2-Cigarettes, #5-Cups, & #9 (slob/OCD) are lies? I mean, they all sound kind of believable but thise are my pics…can’t wait to find out the answer!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Maria on July 25, 2008
  25. Hmmm…I’m guessing that 1,5,8 and 10 are lies.

    Diannas last blog post..Happy Friday!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Dianna on July 25, 2008
  26. I have to pick 4?

    3, 5, and I don’t know, I don’t know.

    Am I close?

    Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..To Write or Not To Write?

    [Reply]

    Comment by Queen of Shake Shake on July 25, 2008
  27. The picture of that guy and his freaky tongue almost made me barf right here at the airport Starbucks.

    Assertagirls last blog post..The swirling.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Assertagirl on July 25, 2008
  28. hi Ali 1 3 8 and 10.

    [Reply]

    Comment by LAVENDULA on July 25, 2008
  29. I love these kind of posts. I did one awhile back and should do it again!!! Anyway… I’m going with

    #3, #4, #7 and #9

    180/360s last blog post..One in a Thousand

    [Reply]

    Comment by 180/360 on July 25, 2008
  30. Is that Harry Potter doing the tongue thing? Because if so I am really going to pedophile jail.

    regans last blog post..hamsters!

    [Reply]

    Comment by regan on July 25, 2008
  31. Okay.

    4, 5, 6, and 10.

    [Reply]

    Comment by mamatulip on July 25, 2008
  32. 1. True
    2.false
    3. True
    4. false
    5. true
    6. true
    7. true
    8. true
    9. false
    10. false. Although I think that one MIGHT be true. It’s just so RANDOM!

    Rebeccas last blog post..Ten Years!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Rebecca on July 25, 2008
  33. where 16-year-old assholes were put in charge of washing the dishes.

    I’ll skip trying to identify the truth from the lies. I can’t let myself think of the things I have seen in kitchens in which food was being prepared for the masses.

    If I did I’d never be able to eat out again.

    Jacks last blog post..Goodbye Randy Pausch

    [Reply]

    Comment by Jack on July 26, 2008
  34. Listen, I don’t know which is true or false, but I thank the good lord above for jaw clips.

    Shamelessly Sassys last blog post..The One Eyed Creeper

    [Reply]

    Comment by Shamelessly Sassy on July 26, 2008
  35. I saw your twitter.

    You are really freaking good at lying. This is an awesome post and I can not wait to find out which are untrue,

    or perhaps you are LYING TO US and all of them are true.

    Right?

    ohmommys last blog post..A (private) Letter to my First Born Child on his Sixth Birthday.

    [Reply]

    Comment by ohmommy on July 26, 2008
  36. deja vu

    Christines last blog post..

    [Reply]

    Comment by Christine on July 26, 2008
  37. 1) If you only drink out of disposable cups (and I think that one’s true because you’ve mentioned it before) what do you do at restaraunts? Or worse yet, bars! With alcohol!
    2) I have a friend who was kitchen staff at camp and knocked over a massive bucket of salad dressing on a counter. Instead of mopping it up, he squeegeed it all back into the bucket and served it for lunch that day. NASTY. I’m surprised I ate ANYTHING at Moshava. (I only started eating on the plates when camp bought a dishwasher machine. I didn’t trust those 16 year olds).

    [Reply]

    Comment by Tali on July 26, 2008
  38. I don’t know if you’re lying or telling the truth about the Windsor Pilates – but let’s just say I’m sad that we no longer have a VCR and I had to sell my very own VHS tapes at our garage sale. I miss Mari!

    Kates last blog post..The Dog Days of Internet

    [Reply]

    Comment by Kate on July 26, 2008
  39. For the record, I know 5 is true from first hand experience, and I’d be shocked if 2 wasn’t a total lie.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Noah on July 27, 2008
  40. Guessing that 2,3,6 and 7 are lies. Thanks for bringing back the memories of those nasty pink plastic cups that always had brown crud on the bottom. Vomit. In camp I would rather dehydrate than drink out of one of those. Lets not even talk about the salads.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Arica Saltzman on July 27, 2008
  41. #2, #7, #4, #8.
    I think.
    You are a very good liar over the internet, really, you are. Good job.

    monstergirlees last blog post..Tide Flats – Day 1

    [Reply]

    Comment by monstergirlee on July 27, 2008
  42. 1, 4, 6, 9.

    Have a nice day!

    Heathers last blog post..I’m Better than That!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Heather on July 27, 2008
  43. Dude, I knew I loved you for a reason. FRUIT DOES NOT BELONG IN CAKE. I’m going to guess 1, 4, 8 and 10 are lies. Because if you could do that with your tongue, WHY DIDN’T YOU SHOW US?

    Kristabellas last blog post..DINAO Round 10 – The Culinary Edition

    [Reply]

    Comment by Kristabella on July 27, 2008
  44. [...] on Friday i gave you all some truths and some lies and asked you to pick out the lies. and basically, either you all suck or I’M THE BEST [...]

    Pingback by Cheaper Than Therapy » Blog Archive » hi, i’m ali and i am an internet liar on July 28, 2008
  45. If you were standing in front of me, I could tell the lies from the truth, but I believe EVERYTHING I read. :-)

    Btw, I totally judge a book by it’s cover. In fact, if there’s a book I want, and I don’t like the cover, I often won’t buy it till I find it with another cover picture on it. OCD, OR WHAT.

    nomotherearths last blog post..Can Adults Go Back to Kindergarten?

    [Reply]

    Comment by nomotherearth on July 28, 2008
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