i am very open about the fact that i’m a really shitty liar. i swear. i am. if i’m lying, you will know. i cannot bring myself to tell you that your baby is cute if he looks like an old wrinkled man. and i cannot tell you that no, those pants don’t make your ass look wide and big. i’m a bad, bad liar.
so, what we have here is an experiment…can i lie onscreen??
4 of these 10 things are big fat lies. the others…TRUE. so, which ones? first person to get it right gets a CD…made by ME. and maybe there will be some candy. just maybe. if i like you
1. i took ballet for many, many years. we started in the basement of a bowling alley. we danced – or attempted to dance – while my mom bowled. can you get any more midwest than that? anyhoo. i quit ballet. because they wouldn’t let me wear underwear. oh, the irony. since i don’t wear any underwear at all anymore (except with jeans. which is exactly the opposite of my blogher roomie and snark partner, slynnro). perhaps i should take up ballet again?
2. i have never smoked a cigarette in my life. ever. sure, i enjoy the sauce. why yes, i do. (Gladys Hardy and i drink a little) beer. scotch. vodka. i drink it all…except the fruity stuff. fruit does not belong in an alcoholic beverage. (it also doesn’t belong in cake, if we’re being honest. pie? yes. cake? hells no) but i politely say ‘no thank you’ to the cigarettes. the smell of them alone makes me want to vomit…and we know how i feel about vomit…
(can you pass the pie?)
3. i am embarrassed to tell you how old i was when i realized that the underground railroad was never actually something that was underground. hint: it wasn’t that long ago. but, i can name all the states and capitals and i can fill in a blank map of the entire North and South Americas…including countries, states, provinces and capitals…so take that underground railroad!
4. i can touch the tip of my tongue to my nose. and curl my tongue in all sorts of fancy shapes, like the flower. my tongue? FLEXIBLE. admit it, you’re a little turned on right now, right?
(obviously, this isn’t me…)
5. i only drink out of disposable containers. i cannot use a plastic cup (ew) or even a glass, even if i watched it come out of the dishwasher. oh, and once someone uses a cup of mine (including my children), i canâ€™t drink out of it again. this stems back to my days when i worked at a camp.
the summer after 10th grade (i think?), when you are too old to be considered a camper, and too young to be put in charge of other people’s children…there’s a program called ‘Avodah’ which translated from Hebrew means WORK. yes, our parents sent us to camp to work. only we didn’t get paid.
long story short…we had to do things like clean the bathrooms and do something called ‘garbage run’ which is every bit as repulsive as it sounds. and then there was kitchen duty, where 16-year-old assholes were put in charge of washing the dishes. only we didn’t really wash them. we rinsed them. and then stacked them, still wet, and put them out for kids to use at the next meal.
it’s amazing more kids didn’t die at Camp Moshava.
6. i always, always have an elastic hair tie around my wrist, for emergency purposes. because, really, you never know when something like this will strikeâ€¦
and i always like to be prepared. i also always have an emergency jaw clip. this, friends, is a jaw clip:
but the thing is, for me, i donâ€™t actually use them in my hair. occasionally, but really, the jaw clip spends most of its time clasped to one of my fingers. i guess its a (nervous?) habit. and i have them everywhere. attached to my keys. attached to my purse. attached to my steering wheel. and, of course, attached to my fingers. itâ€™s weird, i know.
7. i judge books by their covers. and sometimes spend hours in bookstores just looking at covers. occasionally, on my way home from work, i will stop at Indigo
buy myself a latte – or possibly, one of these…
(the chocolate banana?? it’s holycrapohmygod good)
and just walk up and down the aisles. and then i will buy. not one or two. i’ll probably buy 6 or 7. this is what i do instead of going to the gym. instead of working on my ass, i’m working on my brain. and my bank account.
8. speaking of working out, i don’t do it any more. the only exercise i get is walking up the two flights of stairs to my cubicle. well, that’s not entirely true. i do pilates. the old school winsor pilates. and i have them on VHS tapes. my stepdad once bought them off of an infomercial and of course, since he’s not the getupandgo type either, i stole them. and i use them. on a mini-tv-vcr combo in our bedroom. because other than this, we don’t have a vcr anymore. how sad is that?
9. i am somewhat of a slob and a pack-rat, but i have certain OCD tendencies that surface every once in a while. my kitchen cabinets are ridiculously neat. food products and boxes are arranged BY COLOR and size. if my nanny mistakenly puts things in the wrong place, i can’t leave for work in the morning until i’ve put the items back into the right places. same goes for under my bathroom sink. everything by color.
10. my first cousin was the bass player in Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. until he died, of a drug overdose. the last time i saw him was at his father’s – my uncle’s – funeral. the only thing i remember was that he was wearing leather pants.
come see me over at Juice...where you can check out the Christian the Lion video (if you haven’t already seen it…am…weeping), a song i REALLY dig, and my new ANTHROPOLOGIE skirt (also? my boobs look amazing. i think i shall wear that white shirt every day)