November 16 11

When Emily was about five, she came to us with this:

“For my Bat Mitzvah I want to have a giant black-and-white masquerade ball and I want everyone to come in, like, giant ball gowns. Mmmmkay?”

Our response, because she was FIVE, was a quick nod of the head and an, “of course, Emily.”

Obviously, our kindergartener took this confirmation as gospel and has been storing this of course Emily to use against us in a court of law if necessary. According to her, that was a legally binding yes. This, in case you are wondering, is how she scored herself a free trip to Israel last year. She had caught her Sabba in nod-of-the-head moment and then reminded him of his promise. She’s a smart cookie, that one. Only I think I need to outsmart her somehow.

Masquerade ball? Black and white? Dollar signs are floating above my head. Memories of what it was like to be 12.

How can I convince her that no one wants to remember this day?

Twelve was not a good year for me. My mother has planned this fancypants weekend for me and 400 of my closest friends. There was a friday night dinner—where I had to give a speech. There was a Saturday service—where I had to give a speech. There was a Satruday night awkward basement dance party—where they were no speeches but there were one-piece jumpsuits aplenty. There was a Sunday brunch—where I had to give a speech. And, really, all I wanted to do was stuff my face with Oreos and watch The Mickey Mouse Club and discuss which mousekeeter would be the best to be stuck in an elevator with.

There was the worst photographer in the world.

There was the worst hairdo in the world.

There were pearls.

There were black and white striped shoes.

There was a flub in one of the speeches.

There was a spill of something red and permanent. Wine, perhaps?

There were old ladies who smelled of BenGay kissing every inch of my face.

There is so much I’d like to forget about that day.

Of course, the remains of the day hang in the stairwell of my mother’s house, much to my chagrin.


But, the good news is that the dress still fits, in case we do decide to go with the black-and-white theme.


  1. That’s just super fan-loopy awesome!

    Comment by Naomi Jesson on November 16, 2011
  2. My goodness girl! I can’t believe the dress you wore when you were 12 still fits you!!! Cute! I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little jealous… 😉

    Comment by Sandy on November 16, 2011
  3. I am just wee 🙂

    Comment by ali on November 16, 2011
  4. You are not only wee but pretty awesome all around.

    Comment by Sandy on November 16, 2011
  5. I never got to wear a dress that horrible. Or at least one that garners photographic proof or the memory of a dozen awkward speeches.

    Comment by moosh in indy. on November 16, 2011
  6. The Jews win the awkward olympics! 🙂

    Comment by ali on November 16, 2011
  7. Jews definitely win the awkward Olympics. I rocked a fuschia and black velvet, polka dotted, tiered-skirt dress like nobody’s business on the mitzvah circuit. Also, look on the bright side, at least you have an outfit for Emily’s black and white masquerade ball. Just sayin’.

    Comment by Jen on November 16, 2011
  8. While I don’t have awkward Bat Mitzvah stories I do share a love of MMC. 🙂 My love for JC will never die, apparently. I also still have a cassette single of “Real Talk” that will soon find a home in my car which has the only cassette player I own.

    Mostly this comment is to tell you two things. Tony Lucca is amazing in person. I caught one of his performances last year for my birthday. Also, Tony auditioned for The Voice this year so I’m excited to see him on my TV again!

    Comment by Amanda on November 16, 2011
  9. How can you hate a picture of 12 year old you when you look like Winona Ryder? I am never posting my most awkward pictures. They’d put your awkward pictures to shame! Also, the dress… Memories!!!! Those dresses!

    Comment by Loukia on November 16, 2011
  10. Oh man, I wish I still had my dress from my 8th grade graduation dance. It was puffy and polka dotted. I couldn’t fit into it, but it was so horrific!

    Ah, the 80s and early 90s!

    I also hate that you can still fit in it.

    Comment by Kristabella on November 16, 2011

    Comment by Gemini-Girl on November 17, 2011
  12. Oh, that is just too hilarious.

    Comment by Mrs. Wilson on November 17, 2011
  13. Amazing that you still have the dress at all! Holy moly, what kind of storage do you have?

    Comment by Michele on November 22, 2011

Allowed tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>