I’m having a super off week. I’m forgetting things, I’m misfiring, I’m misinterpreting.
It doesn’t help that I got a really weird impromptu haircut. Weird is actually the only way to describe it. I asked for sideswept bangs and to keep it long but to clean it up a little bit. So, I don’t know what the hairdresser actually *heard* me say but now I have six-inches shorter hair that’s all one length (like I’m in fourth grade), except for a weird shelf-like attempt at side bangs with some weird chunks of hair sticking out at the sides. I honestly can’t even describe it, but thank god for bobby pins and ponytails. I’m going to MacGyver the crap out of it for the next year or so. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a bad haircut so I suppose I was due.
Here’s something I cannot do: use my microwave to make a packet of oatmeal.
The funny thing is, the year after I graduated high school I spent a gap year before it was called a gap year in Israel learning
gaining more weight than I gained in any of my pregnancies in a yeshiva. And I left home with two duffel bags full of knee-covering skirts and packets of hot chocolate and oatmeal. I had skills when it came to making oatmeal with nothing but a plastic spoon, a mug that said I heart NY, and an insta-hot tap.
But now? Ali vs microwavable oatmeal? Forget about it. I watch it like a hawk, I will not let it overflow, I will not let it explode all over the microwave. And then the 1.25 minute mark happens and BAM! explosion all over the microwave. I know what you’re thinking…why aren’t you making steel-cut oatmeal on the stovetop like Ma Ingalls did and I can assure you that this is how I make it for myself but my weirdo kids need ridiculous things like crushed cookies and dinosaur eggs in their oatmeal to even consider it as a breakfast food.
Other things I should be able to do but cannot:
Follow simple instructions in an exercise class.
Leave non-bumbly voicemails.
Be left alone (hungry) in a grocery store.
Dress appropriately for the weather.
Swallow a pill without looking like a penguin being fed at the zoo.
Fill up my gas tank before I’m running on fumes.
Figure out my thermostat.
Wait for the windshield to defrost before driving.
Wear my one-month disposable contacts after day 4.
Choose good produce.
Tell Jessica Chastain and Bryce Dallas Howard apart.
What can’t you do?