Surprise sushi really is the best kind of sushi, isn’t it?
You are resigned to having a boring old meal at home and then your husband calls and says he will be at the front door in no less than three minutes and everyone needs to be ready to go because HUZZAH! WE ARE GOING FOR SUSHI! It’s like a dream come true. No, I didn’t want to eat the chicken and quinoa and broccoli. No! I want to eat seaweed salad and giant rolls filled with veggies and tempura bits and spicy mayo. I want an endless supply of green tea. I want wasabi and soy sauce as far as the eye can see. I want to eat my dinner with chopsticks.
So, of course, I do as I’m told. We are ready in no less than three minutes.
(One of us may have been wearing pajamas and one of us may have had chocolate on our face. But we were ready for our sushi dinner.)
And then, as we are about to pull into the restaurant, I remembered a conversation I had earlier in my bathroom.
“I can see your bra straps.”
“I know. I can’t help it. This shirt is really boatneck-y and there’s really no way to avoid it.”
“It really doesn’t look good, Mama.”
“Maybe if I put on a black bra?”
“No. That might be worse.”
“Oh wait! I have a strapless bra! I have never worn it. Ever. I don’t even know what size it is. But it’s from Victoria’s Secret! I’m sure it’s perfect! I mean! The girls are always smiling in the ads, right?”
CRAP. ON. A. CRACKER.
That girl who was smiling in that photo? She was FULL OF LIES. Because there’s no way she was able to keep that puppy keeping her puppies in place. There’s no way that she can run, jump, or even sit and eat dinner. There’s just no way.
Because here I was, sitting in my favorite sushi restaurant, wearing a strapless brassiere for the very first time.
My bra was sittingâ€”uncomfortablyâ€”around my waist.
My boobs were sittingâ€”uncomfortablyâ€”where boobs are supposed to be sitting. Humiliated, they were.
And this is why girls who are, maybe, (on a particular bloated day, perhaps) a 32-b should never wear strapless bras in size 34-c.
Or possibly never wear strapless bras EVER.
Or possibly just never leave the house.