mom: How are you?
me: Doing okay. Slightly nervous today, though.
me: i think perhaps this baby might make an early entrance into the world
mom: great! we’re ready! we like babies.
i’m sorry, but what the fuck? no…why do you think that? no…are you feeling okay? no…are you having contractions? no…perhaps you should take it easy.
i think there’s something seriously wrong with my mother.