My surgeon told me that I remind him of Tina Fey and that if I needed to page him over the weekend I should just tell them that it’s Tina calling. He assured me that this was a compliment. Not like that one time he told a patient that she reminded him of Susan Boyle. Unsurprisingly, she was less than impressed with him.

His assistant and I had a long conversation about how important morning coffee is and how much I was going to like the laughing gas and how much she liked my lululemons and my glasses. She is currently one of my most favorite people.

My teeth all came out in one piece and I got to take them home as souvenirs and I put them under my pillow for the tooth fairy in the hopes that she’d bring me a brand new MacBook. She did not come. I am slightly heartbroken.

The first two teeth came out while I was listening to Fingertip by Aqualung. They thought I was listening to Jethro Tull. There was an argument involved there…because, um, I don’t have any Jethro Tull on my ipod.

The second two teeth came out while I was listening to Glee. And at one point, I could swear that Dr. Gavert was singing Beth.

I was told to give in to the sleepiness when the room started swirling around, but I am such a control freak and was so afraid of, um, farting in the chair that I didn’t fall asleep.

It was quick and painless and I am so happy that I decided to go the local plus laughing gas route. Also, I’d really like to get some laughing gas to use recreationally. In fact, I could really use some right about now.

There was less blood than I imagined.

There was far less swelling or bruising than I imagined.

There is, however, FAR more pain than I imagined. I am currently taking 2 Tylenol 3s every four hours. It is not enough. My friends the drug pushers are trying to get me to pop more pills…but just thinking about taking more pills on an empty stomach makes me just want to deal with the pain for a little longer.

AND, OMG, there is far less sleep than I imagined. I cannot sleep. Like, at all. I have slept exactly two hours since my surgery yesterday morning. Last night while I was not sleeping, I watched 18 episodes of Fawlty Towers, the entire first season of Pretty Little Liars, an episode of The Vampire Diaries, and a looooot of the Food Network. And that made me hungry.

But I am not eating. I have eaten exactly two snack packs (one chocolate, one vanilla) and I don’t even like pudding and snack packs really only make me think of Billy Madison. When I tried to switch it up a bit and eat the lime jello I felt really nauseated and then got scared I was going to barf and had a mild-to-medium level panic attack and took a Xanax and then finally slept for a couple of hours.

I probably don’t smell very good right now, but watching Easy A sounds far more appealing than actually standing up to take a shower. So, laziness wins!

And now I’m off to have nightmares about cleaning food out of THE HOLES IN MY FACE. Thanks, Johnson. That is, I will have nightmares, if I could ever fall asleep…