October 7 19

“The right now you, well it’s the best you. Best in a long time.” —Isabella Martell

It’s a feeling I could barely describe, even when I sat in front of my doctor. “I just want to feel like ME again.” was what I said when I sat down.

And she knew. She just knew.

I’m so glad you came to see me today, Ali, she said. She knew, even if I didn’t, that THE ANXIETY was getting the better of me.

But things are going great, I thought. And said.

But because she knew, she asked all the right questions. Well, things are great, yes, but yes I am edgier with my kids, quick to anger, quicker to yell. And yes, I am finding myself less social with my friends and no I don’t like it. But my sleep has always been bad, but now that you mention it, it’s worse and there have been more than a few nights that I’ve woken up in cold sweat worrying over a mistake I made at work, or a conversation I had with Josh. Why yes I am excited for Emily to have an awfully big University adventure, but yes I have slept in her room more than once and holy moly do I miss that girl like a limb has been amputated. I do love writing and cooking going to the gym and, but you’re right, I haven’t been able to find my words and my funny and even pull out my mixer or find my way to OrangeTheory. And she knew I wasn’t able to return emails sometimes or hang up my clothing or make my bed.

And she wrote me a prescription.

Even though I reminded her that the last time I quit the meds cold turkey because I put on 10 pounds in 6 weeks. And the weight gain sent me into a terrible anxiety spiral.

So we talked about it.

We talked about weight gain. We talked about how a body with some extra softness and an extra cup size is not a bad body, it’s a different body. And about raising daughters (and a son!) to love their bodies and learning to love my own body and prioritizing my mental health so I can be a better me. For them. For myself.

AND here’s the thing.

I’m sleeping better. Not great, obviously, but better. I’m not waking up in cold sweats, or even sweaty sweats anymore. I don’t yell anymore. Like, at all. I’m communicating better with the kids than I have in years. I took my bike out…twice. I’m finding myself wanting to be more social — I even convinced a few friends to go out on a Sunday night to see Adeena Sussman on her Sababa book tour. I’m baking again, pulling out the giant mixer to make cookies every Friday. I talk to Emily every day and I find myself too excited to hear all of her stories to miss her. And, well, I have been hanging up my clothes every day.

And as you can see, I’m writing.

And I’ve gained weight.


“The right now you, well it’s the best you. Best in a long time.” —Isabella Martell, during a very important carpool car ride.

She’s noticed.

And if you ask Emily, she’s noticed.

And if you ask Josh, he’s noticed.

I even met a friend for lunch last week. That was hard for me too, before.

And the first thing he said to me when he saw me was,

“You look so happy.”

He could tell. And didn’t give one thought to the weight gain.

So neither did I.

  1. Gosh, I love you.

    Comment by Meghan on October 7, 2019
  2. This is resonating with me – oh boy, you have no idea how much…
    Life seems to be making me more anxious and sleep deprived as I get older – I honestly thought things would get easier, simpler at this stage of my life….not so.
    But you seem to be on the right path – it’s beautifully written and it’s made me hopeful ?

    Comment by Chavi on October 8, 2019
  3. 111

    Comment by Jerry on October 8, 2019
  4. It’s tough, we connect how we feel with how we look. It’s a struggle for me daily. But I know it’s a small sacrifice to feeling my best. I would rather be happy! I chose happy!

    Comment by Karen on October 8, 2019
  5. I noticed your relaxed happier self. Keep it up.

    Comment by Jerry on October 8, 2019
  6. This makes me happy. This gives me hope.

    Comment by Alex on October 8, 2019
  7. I am the queen of burying my head in the sand and not dealing with problems, because… well, I feel like I can’t deal. So going to my doctor for anything other than a routine annual or because my throat hurts, scares me. Truth is, my anxiety lately has been next-level and everyone tells me I should talk to someone, (like a doctor) but I won’t because I tell them there is no way anyone can fix this much broke. I mean, I worry like you would not believe about my kids. My son is 14. My other son is almost 12. Them going to the park down the streets causes me to PANIC. Granted, my oldest son went on his grade 8 grad trip this past June, and was gone from me for 4 days, and I survived. His request to go ton a school trip to Europe for 10 days this spring, not something I can even wrap my head around, but who am I to deny him these experiences? I worry worry worry, think worst case about everything. I have a job I LOVE, great support at home, and beyond the usual feeling tired, getting older, I’m just consumed with the what-ifs worry. I also just quit smoking, so I am extra emotional and sorry for blabbing on so much. Love to you, Ali. xoxo

    Comment by Loukia on October 8, 2019
  8. These words and sentiments are as beautiful as you are right now. In you. The best you of you.

    Comment by Daniella on October 8, 2019
  9. You look great, as always!

    Comment by Mina on October 8, 2019
  10. Love you and miss your words. I need to read you more, so please write more again.

    Comment by Nenette on January 11, 2020
  11. I just found your blog and this is so beautiful. “Not a bad body, a different body.” Words to tattoo as we age! Love our changing selves, because we all change, if we are lucky. Thank you.

    Comment by Sabrina on January 31, 2020

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