February 24 11

1. You must have THE CRAZY EYES.

2. You must have “prayed and prayed and prayed that God would give you Miss America.”

3. You must tell everyone that “pageants are a good stepping stool for a future career in modeling.”

4. You must be able to teach your child to recite THE BOOKS OF THE BIBLE for the talent portion of the competition.

5. You must feel comfortable saying that your one-year-old WAS HORRIBLE when she was, you know, being a one-year-old.

6. And then you must bounce back from a horrible performance by giving your child some extra sugar for energy and THE SPECIAL JUICE** (**Coca-Cola)

7. You must want to live vicariously through your children and you must equate pageanting to “having your own personal Barbie doll to play with” and you must be willing to spend $1500 per dress. You must perform your child’s entire routine from the audience while she is up on the Toddlers & Tiaras stage hoping for a GRAND SUPREME title.

8. You must be very into spray tanners and eyebrow waxing and fake eyelashes and duct taping dresses to skin and FLIPPERS. Please note: These aren’t for you; they are for your CHILD. Please also note: Flippers are fake teeth. Please note: When you tell the audience that your child loves getting tanned and getting waxed, we know you are lying through your flippers.

9. You must be okay with your daughter’s dreams being about “GOING TO VEGAS TO DANCE.”

10. You must name your child something either after a place – see: Brooklyn and Paris. OR you must use the most bizarre spelling possible – see: Karmen, Camryn, Brittannie, Lynsie, and Kelci.


  1. WIN:)

    Comment by thepsychobabble on February 24, 2011

    Also, I have about 7 out of 10 of these traits. I will not tell you which ones they are.

    Comment by Meredith on February 24, 2011
  3. Meredith…you TOTALLY have a flipper, don’t you??

    I KNEW IT.

    Comment by ali on February 24, 2011
  4. i so agree with meredith re: BEST. POST. EVER.
    Yesterday, I caught the episode where a 2-year old named Mia had a ‘talent’ of dancing to a Madonna song. She came out wearing this big white coat and then threw it off revealing this tiny gold lamé dress with big madonna cone boobs. Funny, but so, so wrong…

    Comment by K-Tee on February 24, 2011
  5. The girl who wanted to grow up to dance in Vegas? Killing me. And I think she probably will – AND her mom will be SO proud! 🙂

    Comment by pgoodness on February 24, 2011
  6. I’m so pissed I don’t have girls.

    Comment by Meghan on February 24, 2011
  7. Ahhh…I was just waiting for you to blog about this!!!
    Flippers freak the shit out of me. Creepy.

    Comment by Christine on February 24, 2011
  8. Oh. Pixie stix. Every episode I have watched they do some sort of pixie stix count…one kid got 9 during 1 pageant.
    And didn’t one mom mix sugar with the coke??????

    Comment by Christine on February 24, 2011
  9. No worries Meghan we can enter our BOYS. They can be Pageant KINGS!

    Comment by Jen on February 24, 2011
  10. Well, Chase is screwed, Jen…because his name isn’t spelled Chaysse

    Comment by ali on February 24, 2011
  11. Oh great, now I’m gonna have nightmares tonight. 😉 And silly me, thinking that your spider post was scary/creepy/gross!!

    Comment by CarrieLou on February 24, 2011
  12. Dancing in Vegas is a classy dream, don’t knock it. For real.

    Comment by designhermomma on February 24, 2011
  13. Oh, I cannot believe those mothers. Thanks for a good giggle

    Comment by Catch the Kids on February 24, 2011
  14. I was gonna add Pixie Stix, but I see that someone above already mentioned it.

    Comment by Nanette on February 24, 2011
  15. YES. Pageant moms must be fans of sugar in all forms.

    Comment by ali on February 24, 2011
  16. I saw the episode with ‘special juice’ last night and FREAKED OUT. As a child care provider this is horrifying, as I’m sure it is to most (normal) parents as well.

    Comment by bethany on February 24, 2011
  17. Yes…OMG yes!!! Because 5 years olds getting fake tans and eyebrow waxes is totally normal!!!

    Comment by AmazingGreis on February 24, 2011
  18. I LOVE this show more then I can say! It is such a train wreck! ONE of my favorite lines was when the mom said her one year old ( who she wanted to name America) has GREAT Fashion sense! BWAHAHAHA!! Or the Special needs doll…. oh Arnold…. the first time I saw it I was CRYING I was laughing so hard!!!

    Comment by Aurora on February 25, 2011
  19. Totally with Nanette and Christine – you forgot Pixie Sticks, or “Mommy’s Little Helper.”

    Comment by Angie [A Whole Lot o on February 25, 2011
  20. You also forgot- you must be seriously unhappy when your daughter wins the biggest title for the natural part of the competition and state that you would much rather her to win the full glitz part than the natural….WTF??? This was last week’s episode…the mom was absolutely hilarious and was so unimpressed when her daughter won the non-glitz part. I can’t stop watching this show. I tape it on the overnight episode so my husband doesn’t see the pvr warning pop up and then I have to pretend it recorded in error when he sees it in the list. So sad. so funny.

    Comment by Steph on February 25, 2011
  21. Although this post is simultaneously hilarious and terrifying, I beg you to never write about this subject again. Honestly, how can people do this to their children? I don’t watch the show – I physically cannot stomach it. Don’t you feel like it’s a form of child abuse????

    Comment by Renee on February 25, 2011
  22. I watched an episode the other night. It was like a train wreck.
    A 15 month old doesn’t need to be spray tanned. Also, these women allow their children to throw tantrums in horrible hick accents and reward them with sugar? I am pretty sure that isn’t in any of the parenting books I have been reading! So happy I am having a boy.

    Comment by Christina on February 25, 2011
  23. this show is seriously amazing and ridiculous and i think you summed up every bit of crazy, nicely done, haha.

    Comment by katelin on February 25, 2011
  24. I wondered about the odd spelled names. Now it makes perfect sense. It’s a requirement.

    You left off snorting pixie sticks. I swear they let them do that.

    Comment by Issa on February 25, 2011
  25. I know I’m late in posting this — but have you seen
    (can’t make clicky) – check YouTube for Toddlers & Tiaras and Tom Hanks — hysterical!

    Comment by pam on March 1, 2011
  26. Oh dear. I knew there was a reason I couldn’t bring myself to watch. I’d implode. LOL

    Comment by FireMom on March 1, 2011

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