June 29 12

Here’s my professional tip of the day: If your child is afraid of bears, you may want to skip the movie Brave.

My child, I thought, was scared of only one thing—spiders. Teeny-weeny, small, medium-sized, climbing up water spouts, it doesn’t matter. If it has legs, she doesn’t want to have anything to do with it. It’s the spider time of the year right now

(if there’s really no such thing as spider season I urge you not to be internet know-it-alls who didn’t even read the post but leave comments like, “ALI SPIDER SEASON DOESN’T EXIST, DUMBASS.” I’d rather continue to live my life thinking that spiders come out to play in the spring and summer, mmmkay?)

so I spend a lot of my time these days standing on a chair with a tissue in hand, armed and dangerous to protect the ceilings of my second floor for my soon-to-be second grader so she can sleep in peace and not have any nightmares about spiders crawling into her mouth.

(Thanks, person who told her about that whole eating seven spiders myth.)

It interesting that she’s afraid of these little tiny harmless spiders when the child can watch JAWS on repeat like it’s Sesame Street. And then take a leap right into the ocean with nary a care in the world. Nothing but spiders seems to ever scare her. Witches? Good! Vampires? Awesome! Zombies—she loves ‘em. Sharks, whales, lions, tigers, snakes, cheetahs. Tornadoes, hurricanes, volcanos, tsunamis. Roller coasters, heights, public speaking, the dark.

No. No. No.

Nope. Just the one thing.

It turns out, though, that she is actually scared of TWO things.

No wonder she never wants to watch Brother Bear.

My review: While certainly not the best I have seen, they did a good job throwing the Scottish accent at me so I didn’t even realize that it’s not the best I’ve seen—I’m too busy trying to say “If you could change your fate, would you?” in my very best Ewan McGregor that comes out an awful lot more like Fat Bastard. Also, coveting all of that unruly red hair. Also, trying to figure out what those pastry dessert things were that they were eating. It was Shrek meets Brother Bear meets How to Train Your Dragon, but, you know, in a mildly good way. Merida’s hair was so lovely and the music was so, so good it was kind of easy to overlook the weak last 3/4 of the film, the fact that there are bears in Scotland, and it’s predictability.

Special thing to note that I absolutely loved to stinkin’ much. Queen Elinor was not given Botox.

See?

See?

See?

How wonderful is this?

That right there is the most REAL-looking mother to ever step foot on a cartoon screen. Laugh lines, life lines, worry lines. Just like ME—a mother.

In addition, she tells her daughter that a princess doesn’t stuff her gob, which I do as well with my own daughters, on a more-than-regular basis. So, you know, *that* hit home right there.

Josh’s review: So, so good. Let’s see it again. Right now! Also, Mama, she’s better than Katniss!

Isabella’s review: I can’t believe you made me watch that. You are so mean to me, Mama.

It’s like Charlotte’s Bloody Web all over again. 

But with Scottish accents.

And wrinkles.

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  1. I was a little surprised by the bears as well, and was worried my 3 yo would be freaked out, luckily, they all loved it and she came home begging to see it again, which we will.

    I did cry a lot, but the mother daughter story it home and got to me, plus it was super dusty in there.

    [Reply]

    alimartell replied on

    I had no idea there were bears in the movie at all…very clever previews, methinks!

    Ha. I did cry at one point, but that’s no surprise, I cry at everything.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Brittany on June 29, 2012
  2. i know about the bears but can you be more specific? i have jumpy daughters…is the bear there for 1/2 hour? is it there for a bit, is there lots of suspense? i just like to know so i can prepare them for the scary bits…although they’re not scary, it’s SUSPENSE!!!! thanks!

    [Reply]

    alimartell replied on

    There’s a bear attack in the first scene.

    And then the mother gets turned into a bear about 1/3 of the way into the movie…and then there is pretty much brea action from then until the end of the movie.

    [Reply]

    Comment by julie on June 29, 2012
  3. Ali, I do not kill spiders anymore unless they are in my bedroom. But I may or may not own this product:
    http://www.hammacher.com/publish/73620.asp

    My son is also deathly afraid of spiders and if I owned this ridiculous product *ahem, ahem* he would totally use it.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Sandy on June 29, 2012
  4. I agree there is a spider season. They get really bad here in late spring into the middle of summer when the heat must kill them all off.

    I also loved the little, subtle streak of grey in her hair.

    I honestly loved this movie so much. The whole mother/daughter relationship was played out so well.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Jennifer on June 29, 2012
  5. The bear fighting scenes were a bit ferocious, and a complete based off just the previews. I still really liked the movie though. It made me really want a Scottish accent and long red hair.
    I was also thankful that the major cry scene still had a bit of funny after it so that I could wipe all the tears away before the lights went up.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Gamanda on June 29, 2012
  6. Muy buenas tomas en aquellas imagenes mostradas.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Juegos de Sopa de Letras on July 1, 2012
  7. I felt the same way! I liked it, but it’s no Up…or Lion King…or even Tangled. But due to the accents and the scenery–and the fact that I studied abroad in Scotland and am going back in September–I didn’t even mind that the actually story was lacking.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Camels & Chocolate on July 1, 2012
  8. […] row, in the obstructed view seats. Luckily, my kids seem to have necks with owl-like movements and fears of bears in what proved to be an entirely bear-free movie, so we stayed and I was thankful for an end seat […]

    Pingback by Katy Fish Perry, MIA, RIP and The Arcade | Cheaper Than Therapy on December 9, 2013
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