Me: Oh my heavenly days!! All I wanted was to peel a stupid carrot and somehowâ€”I don’t even know how this happenedâ€”but I managed to pull off the nail on my middle finger and it hurts like a bitch. OWWWWWWWWW!
Me: This should probably be some sort of tortureâ€”ripping fingernails off one by one.
Him: You’d never survive.
Me: I totally wouldn’t. WAIT! I swear that this happened before. On TV. Maybe LOST? Someone had his fingernails ripped off, one at a time. Or maybe someone just threatened to do it? It had to have been LOST, right? Oh wait…I feel like it may have been George Clooney? Yes. It had to have been Clooney. But now I can’t remember a single movie he was in except for that staring at goats travesty and when he was the bad Batman.
Me: Can you imagine being a WORSE Batman than Michael Keaton?
Me: Well, now I obviously have to look it up.
Him: Awesome. (Insert sarcasm font.)
Me: Well, it’s inconclusive. I’m going to pretend it was on LOST. But, OHMIGOD. Obviously I could never ever ever be an astronaut.
Him: Was that in your 5-year plan?
Me: Well, I like to keep my options open, you know.
Him: So, being John Glenn was one of those options?
Me: Well, IT WAS. But, listen to this. According to this article…many astronauts actually RIP THEIR OWN FINGERNAILS OFF.
Him: On account of the space crazy?
Me: No! Their gloves are obviously poorly designed and apparently, their fingernails actually get torn off by the gloves and so instead of letting it happen on its own, astronauts preventatively rip off their own before going into space. Astronauts are crazy.
Him: So I don’t have to worry, then?
Me: All I wanted was a stupid carrot, and now ALL OF MY DREAMS ARE CRUSHED.
Him: I don’t know how we’ll move on from this.
Me: I don’t either. Sigh.