It’sÂ apropos, somehow, that today is Groundhog Day.
I re-watch the Bill Murray classic at least once each February. It’s tradition at this point. Babe. I got you Babe.Â And if you have seen the movie, you know. If you haven’t, well, what in the what are you sitting around reading my drivel for (Get on that, Jen)? The day that loops.
The same day, over and over and over and over and over and over.
Babe. I got you Babe.
And, if you thought you knew where this was going, you are wrong.
(Don’t worry, this is exactly how I felt when I read The Thirteenth Tale recently for my brand-new book club. I was all, I have got this in the bag. It’s like knowing that Bruce Willis was dead. And then, BAM, out of nowhere, the book changes on me and surprised the hell out of me.)
I’m not going to write about my new work-at-home setup. Because, while from the surface it may seem like my weekdays are looping, because every morning starts the same. The Avett Brothers wake me up, several times, and then I get the kidlets out of the door in one piece (or mostly) and hope that they are wearing clean underpants, have brushed teeth, and have their lunches in tow. Everything else is a bonus. I drink my coffee and work with Kelly Ripa in the background. I drink more coffee and work more. I drink tea and work with Ellen Degeneres in the background. I drink tea and work more. I ellipticize with Buffy the Vampire Slayer playing on the iphone. I snack on cashews and Chocolate Chex. I drink some coffee and work some more. Then my kids come home and we begin the snacks, dinner, homework, bath, bed brigade. Sometimes we go crazy and change it upâ€”skip a bath! Play a board game! Watch American Idol! When we are feeling really rebellious we go out for Menchie’s. So, yes, my days are not that exciting, really.
But they are amazing.
I am so ridiculously, stupidly happy.
My anxiety is way, way down. My commutes are non-existent. I can have coffee with my BFF in the middle of the day on a Tuesday. (Imagine!)
I go to sleep happy every single night.
I wake up happy every single morning.
Babe. I got you Babe.Â
Happy, that is, until this past week.
Truer words were never spoken: SOMETHING’S NOT RIGHT HERE.
Strange things were definitely afoot at the Circle K.
On this particular day my anxiety was not way down.
You know, the funny thing is that I wondered about this. I was thinking the other day about bloggers I used to love, used to read every single day, used to feel like I knew. And they, just, well, don’t Â anymore. Some stopped in 2005, some in 2007, some in 2009, some in 2011. Some have taken their sites down, some made big-grand sweeping farewells, some just quietly stopped posting. Some blogs are still up there, but sit days, weeks, months without updating. Some have run out of words, some don’t feel like they have the time to devote anymore, some have started writing for other (paying) outlets, and some just don’t want to do it anymore.
I have some friends who are just plain old social-media-d out.
So, when this giant red sign was staring at me in the face, I thought about quitting. I thought about maybe just stopping, quietly walking away. No fanfare, no fuss, just…no more.
But, to me, that very thought was PAINFUL.
I have been sitting here since 2004, tap, tap, tapping away at these keys.
Sometimes it’s on my desktop, sometimes it’s on my laptop, sometimes it’s on my phone.Â Tap, tap, tap.Â
I have been telling you stories. Tap, tap, tap.Â
I have been asking you questions. Tap, tap, tap.
I have been sharing the funny, the sad, the happy, the ridiculous. Tap, tap, tap.Â
I have written posts you have loved and I have written posts that you hated. Tap, tap, tap.Â
I wrote my way through my third and final pregnancy. I wrote my way through several jobs, several houses, several moves, several panty-eating-puppy surgeries. Tap, tap, tap.Â
My audience may have changed over the last eight years. I may have gained followers. I may have lost commenters. People have have come and gone.
But I have always been here, writing away, telling my stories.
Babe. I got you Babe.Â
I don’t want to stop.
I can’t stop.
THIS IS WHO I AM.
Dealing with this for the past week has been devastating for me. Which is funny, that. Trying to explain to someone how a stupid hacker named MikeWink filling my code with over 180 lines of bad code feels like one of my limbs has been amputated sounds ridiculous. I feels ridiculous to even type it here. But it’s the truth. It doesn’t feel right. There’s an emptiness where the working site is, and yet, I can almost feel it, almost touch the words that need to be said, need to be written. But they are just out of my reach.
So, it’s worth it. The eagle eyes working through every piece of code to remove the infections. Taking the three steps forward in the clean-up process only to take two steps back. Losing part of my site design. Having no access to my stats anymore. Not being able to write for days.
I hope you think it’s worth it too.
Babe. I got you Babe.Â