November 8 11

I don’t let a lot of things intimidate me. Actually, that’s a complete and total lie. I don’t even know what possessed me to even type those words out. I’m actually laughing, out loud, at myself. (No wonder I’m such an embarrassment to my children…) Many things do not intimidate me—blogging conferences, public singing, important people. But, many things do intimidate me, probably more than that don’t—making phone calls, immigration officers, hairdressers,

and Starbucks.

I swear. Starbucks intimidates me.

I really just want to drink coffee. But there’s something magical about the feeling of the inside of a Starbucks. There’s music (that’s usually crappy), there are comfy chairs (that are usually occupied), there are fancy cups (filled with overpriced drinks that I can’t pronounce), there are pieces of cake the size of my face (that will go straight to my ass). And yet, somehow I am drawn to the place. I walk in and think, “Oh, hello, sexy! Are you going to solve all of my problems today with your caffeine and your wi-fi?” but, of course, that is not what comes out of my mouth. Because, you see, Starbucks? INTIMIDATING. Once I get up to the counter, even after having a 20-minute line to practice my opening line, what comes out is neither suave nor, well, possibly even English.

“So, you know how you, like, have those pumpkin spice lattes? And well, you know how they are super sweet, right? Well, you put flavor shots, or pumps or something pumpkin flavored in them, right? Well, so, like, I’m wondering if it’s possible to get one of those shots or pumps or whatever just put into regular coffee?”

“Sure. What kind of coffee?”

“The hot kind?”

“What size?”

“Big?”

“How many pumps?”

“Um, one, I think? I don’t want it to be sweet at all.”

“OKAY! HERE’S YOUR DRINK! ENJOY!”

Liars. That is not my drink. I don’t know what it is, but it was gross.

And it didn’t taste at all like pumpkin.

And speaking of intimidating, want to know what else intimidates me?

I mean, why not, I am already embarrassing myself today…

Health food stores.

Oh yes.

So, on the recommendation of several lovely people, I wanted to start taking something called Greens+. It’s a superfood, and just the sound of that makes me think my poor body needs it. It’s supposed to be good for energy and for hair growth, which, if you have been following my hair saga at all, well, you know that I NEED MY HAIR TO GROW because I am super great at decisions and hairdressers intimidate me and so I let him cut off all of my hair and now I am practically bald and have The Rachel circa 1999.

Grow hair grow!

So, I walked into Ambrosia on Sunday afternoon.

And it looks just about how you expect every natural food store to look like. Everything is brown and there are lots of giant pill bottles lining the walls. (They want to pump. CLAP. Me up.) I squeezed past the group of cyclists all geared up in spandex to try to find this wonder stuff.

“I’m, um, looking for Greens+?”

“You are staring at it.”

“I am? Oh my god! Thanks!”

“Why do you want to take Greens+?”

“Well, because someone told me to.”

“I think you should try x, and y, and possibly even z.”

“Well, I think today I’m just going to buy some Greens+ in a flavor other than barn, thanks.”

“Try the natural tangerine. But, I really, think you might need x and y. Actually, I think you need all three. It looks like you do.”

“Hey, I eat a lot of quinoa. I am a healthy person.”

There was no question; he could smell the donuts I had eaten for breakfast and was silently judging me and was PUSHING THE DRUGS. They are drug pushers. Drug pushers, I tell you.

“Up to you.”

Pusher.

Also, totally a liar. Because even the tangerine tastes like farm.

Pray for quick hair growth. The last thing I need is to go back for X, Y, and Z.

It’s far too intimidating.

 

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  1. Do you have Coffee Culture near you? Just say Large hazelnut or vanilla, one milk one sugar. Not too sweet at all, but still flavourly. <— what? totally a word.

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    No coffee culture. Boo!

    Not really a fan of hazelnut, I don’t think?
    Also, I never know if the store’s flavorings are already sweet, yanno? I once asked at Tim Hortons and they said no…but holy cow, the french vanilla coffee is SICKENINGLY SWEET.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Karen Sugarpants on November 8, 2011
  2. I’ve taken the greens+ and if you blend it and add a banana i swear it cuts the ickiness factor in half.

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    Someone suggested mixing it into vanilla yogurt. I’m going to try that?

    Yesterday I had a much easier time drinking it than the day before…maybe it’s just a matter of getting used to it?

    [Reply]

    Comment by Calmly Chaotic on November 8, 2011
  3. I just wanted to pop in and say that I think your haircut looks great! You’re not bald. Personally, I think it looks better with the new cut (NOT THAT IT DIDN’T LOOK GREAT BEFORE). You were used to it being longer, which makes your concern understandable – but I think sometimes people get caught up in the IDEA that “the longer the better” when a shorter style with more shape and swing to it makes their face look better. I do the same thing – I get an idea that I want long hair but then I realize that my hair gets too heavy and doesn’t look like the models on tv with long hair :-)….

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    I’m actually not annoyed by the length in the back. It needed to be cut and the six inches were well worth it. It’s the layers I can’t handle. They are way way way too short in front..and way too short for me.

    I appreciate you telling me that you like it, though! For real. Thanks! But, no, I am not happy with it :)

    [Reply]

    Comment by Laura on November 8, 2011
  4. Whatever you do, don’t put your Greens+ into a bottle of Perrier. It foams up and overflows for about 10 minutes, and then settles into a disgusting ball of gunk at the bottom. You know, in case you were inclined to try that.

    It’s not bad if you put it in a smoothie – yogurt, a few berries, a tsp. of honey – tastier (yet still healthy) way to get it down.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Jessica on November 8, 2011
  5. Funny! I think just drinking the regular coffee at Starbucks is what messed you up. It kind of sucks. Are you opposed to getting a latte? Have you tried their caramel machiatto? (YUM!)I am a coffee lover and I find that I get the best coffee from little coffee shops, not the big chains. Good luck with drinking grass let me know know what it does to you.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Sandy on November 8, 2011
  6. I know I never comment anymore, but I read everyday :)
    Okay – greens+ – i’ve taken it off and on since I was 9. (the founder is my parents’ friend’s brother and he is super nice). But, honestly, I hate the taste. Forget mixing it into smoothies. Just mix it into as little juice as possible, plug your nose and drink it.
    And … there’s a starbucks app. I have it on my ipod (cuz I can’t put it on my blackberry). It’s amazing! You can play around with it and then you’ll know what to order. Although … it has all the calorie counts so you’ll probably end up ordering water :)
    Good luck!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Laural on November 8, 2011
  7. We have coffee culture here, but I would trade it for Ambrosia ANY DAY. I miss Ambrosia, so, so much.

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    I need you to come with me so I don’t feel so dumb when I’m in there ;)

    [Reply]

    Comment by karengreeners on November 8, 2011
  8. This is why I shop online.

    Also, prenatal vitamins. My hair dresser can grow like six inches of hair in a month on those things. She swears by them.

    Even though your hair is LOVELY.

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    Ha! I couldn’t even take prenatals when I WAS pregnant! :)

    [Reply]

    Comment by Kristabella on November 8, 2011
  9. 1) I think your hair looks great! The layers will grow out, honest. Sometimes I think some hairdresses layer it up so that in few weeks you will LURV the cut.
    2) Here is a story to make you feel better. The police really, really intimidate me even though I am probably the biggest rules-follower of all time. One day I was driving home south along Bathurst, just north of St Clair, which btw is a major speed trap. I had my baby in the car with me. A police woman jumped out of nowhere and so I assumed that she was pulling me over for speeding. I was like, what? I drive a Volvo, I am wearing glasses, how can this be happening to meee?Aaaah!! The police woman had also pulled over the car that had been driving up ahead of me in the same lane. She finished dealing w/the car that had been driving ahead of me and when she came over to my car, I was so scared, I was shaking and my mouth was totally dry. The police woman said, ‘Ma’am, I was not pulling you over, I was pulling over the car ahead of you!’. So great was my relief that I just blurted out ‘You mean, I get to keep my baby?!” I don’t know who was more shocked.

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    That story might be the funniest thing I have ever read. OMG.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Jen on November 8, 2011
  10. I have this need to help you with your drink. Big ass caffeinated beverage in SB language is Venti. Medium is Grande. I’m going to assume you want the milk in your coffee too right? (which is likely what they didn’t add when you ordered.) And a bit of pumpkin spice flavoring…but not the shit load they put in it?

    So here’s my suggestion…A Venti (insert non-fat/soy/low-fat milk here) latte with one pump of pumpkin. They will ask you if you want whipped cream as well.

    I think that’s what you need. Pretty sure. :)

    Starbucks years ago used to intimidate the shit out of me. Then my brother’s a the time girlfriend worked there and helped me get the terminology. I’ve been an addict ever sense.

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    Nope. I don’t want a latte. Just a coffee. With some flavor. Like they do at Dunkin Donuts…

    [Reply]

    Issa replied on

    Crap. FAIL! Okay…Venti (House Blend is good) coffee with a pump of pumpkin? Maybe a half pump of pumpkin?

    I’ve never had coffee at DD.

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    I just can’t figure out why they couldn’t do that.
    When they said they could.
    And what DID they give me?

    Issa replied on

    I have no clue what they gave you. The cup made no sense to me and I generally understand their shorthand.

    Comment by Issa on November 8, 2011
  11. Okay, just for fun, I’m a former Starbucks barista. It looks like you got someone else’s drink entirely. That’s a Hazlenut Vanlilla Latte. As someone else said, order a Venti 1 pump Pumpkin Drip. There are usually 2 types of coffee brewing as well as a decaf. If they ask which one, just say the house.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Sarah on November 8, 2011
  12. You are sooo funny!!! I love reading your posts!!! BTW- I don’t like sturbacks coffee either!!!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Larissa on November 8, 2011
  13. Phone calls intimidate me, too! That’s why I avoid the phone as much as possible!!

    And, um, yes. Starbucks and Health Food stores, too.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Mrs. Wilson on November 8, 2011
  14. I think Sarah solved it! You said you don’t like hazelnut and somehow that’s what you got.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Tammi Marie on November 8, 2011
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