May 15 09

Driving carpool on Thursday is the bane of my existence.

carpool1

seriously.

Well, to be honest, I have more than several other banes, but this is the one I am going to whine talk about today. So, the kids are let out at 4:00, but you have to show up around 3:00 to even get a spot that’s remotely close to the doors (which is always fun in the winter when I’m standing with my snotcicles and my frozen lady-bits)

Now there are some moms, the ones with the “north of 7″ hair*** who are dressed in lululemon head-to-toe, who are carrying the identical Coach bags and their completely unnecessary blackberries, who use this time for a colossal coffee-date. They all show up in their giant-ass SUVs and their venti coffees and they hang out for an hour, probably discussing which purse they are all going to buy next.

(and let me just interject for a moment to say that although I will stand behind lululemons and I continue to pimp their magical ass powers, I will tell you that buying them in a size 6 and squeezing your size 10 ass into them, cancels all magic. Not even lululemon is going to be able to make that work for you, hon.)

Then there are the mom jeans. There is not much more I can say about the mom jeans. Then there are the dads and the grandparents. Then there are the few moms who actually terrify me. They are 6 feet tall and wear skinny jeans and tall boots even though it’s in the 70s and they have a good 3 inches of black roots growing in under their bleached blond hair. and don’t get me started on the bling. HOLY BLINDING BATMAN.

Then there is ME. the one who races out of work early just to be able to grab a spot in the lot. the one who is wearing heels and my office attire and my seriously-why-can’t-they-come-up-with-a-better-system-for-this look on my face.

I grab the kids, one by one, and then we sit. and wait. for all the coffee daters to slowly make their way out of the clusterfuck that is the school parking lot. I’m kind of edgyslashstabby, because I am thinking about the rapidly wasting away minutes I have left to drop off four kids, pick up Isabella, and bolt over to Vibe for dance at 4:30.

and then yesterday, a mom in a giant black  SUV cut me off. She didn’t put up her hand in that sort of half-wave that says, yes, I made a dick move but thanks for not ramming into my expensive car. But she made eye contact. And then I made bird contact. I really couldn’t help myself. Along with my middle finger rising, something else was rising. It may or may not have started with a “b” and ended with an “h” and had an “itc” in the middle. But, i’m not saying.

just don’t ask the five kids who were in the car with me. they are sworn to secrecy. just like they won’t tell you about the impromptu lollipops they sometimes get and that time I put on the Spring Awakening soundtrack without realizing there’s a song with the words, “it’s the bitch of living…the bitch..just the bitch” and an even worse song that says “there’s a moment you know…you’re fucked” lalala. move along now. but not before you hand my my trophy for being carpool mom of the year!

So, I pull into the Vibe parking lot and guess who is behind me in her giant black SUV?

just guess.

I know, right? why do these things only ever happen to me?

Thursdays, man. I’m telling you.

*** just a note for all of you non-Toronto people out there. 7 is a highway. North of 7 is the suburbs. THE SUBURBS. so, north of 7 hair is suburban mom hair. (you may be familiar with the “brown football helmet” reference in Steel Magnolias? it’s something like that…with a little flat ironing thrown in there)

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  1. I loved this, because I TOTALLY know who/what you are talking about! Can you explain though-what is ‘North of 7′ hair? I know the neighbourhood you refer to, but what’s with the hair? I am intrigued.
    This is precisely why I want to find a day school with a school bus option ;)
    Happy long weekend.

    [Reply]

    Comment by NEWMOM on May 15, 2009
  2. I am IN LOVE with this post. I don’t just love it. I am IN LOVE with it. Kind of like Kris Allen and Danny Gokey. I love Danny Gokey but am IN LOVE with Kris Allen…….

    You conveyed the beauty of the “north of 7″ moms perfectly. I LOVE the “completely unnecessary blackberries” – HAHAHAHAHA! I can’t HANDLE the funny here today!

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    Comment by Haley-O on May 15, 2009
  3. I know the type of mom’s you are talking about and I totally want to tell them to get over themselves!
    One question, what is “north of 7″?

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    Comment by Tara L on May 15, 2009
  4. Haha that is hilarious. Did you talk to her?

    Also– do they not have school buses in Canada?

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    Comment by Lyndsey on May 15, 2009
  5. As the mom who has sat in the school parking lot for an hour before the dismissal bell to claim some kind of sick, annoying victory, the mom who has blared NIN’s “Closer” with the windows of the minivan down, who has SANG along before remembering that song is laced with the f-word, I salute you.

    There should really be a horror movie set in the school pick up lot. It would top the box offices. I’ve left enough mental carnage to provide script research!

    fadkogs last blog post..what about prom, blane? no. what about prom? no. WHAT ABOUT PROM!

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    Comment by fadkog on May 15, 2009
  6. i have some Xanax we can share if you would like.

    oh, btw: i’m the mom that same shirt and pants 5 days in a row because i woke up hungover and maybe, just maybe, slept in those clothes too.

    gorillabunss last blog post..nothing in return

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    Comment by gorillabuns on May 15, 2009
  7. Did you get her with a tire iron? Because that would have been EPIC.

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    Comment by SciFi Dad on May 15, 2009
  8. I am so glad I left Toronto for rural Nova Scotia 6 years ago.

    Mind you… though I may have escaped the ostentatious blinged out suburban moms, the hick equivalent to Lululemons N of 7 coiffs are Bingo pants and mall hair.

    karens last blog post..Did you keep your receipt?

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    Comment by karen on May 15, 2009
  9. I know what you mean. There are a cluster of moms at our elementary that stand around in a circle. Its so tight that would expect a joint to be getting passed around in there, but alas they aren’t passing anything, unless you count B.S.

    And we’re not going to even talk about the time when I had half of my girl scout troop in my van while I was listening to “Smack my Bitch Up” By Prodigy-a little voice in the back asked-”Why are they talking about snapping a picture?” Yea, honey….pictures.

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    Comment by DE Heather on May 15, 2009
  10. Are mom jeans the ones that are pulled up over the belly button?

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    Comment by Avitable on May 15, 2009
  11. Oh my god, never move to Atlanta. Not only do they have NO problem expressing their displeasure with whatever you did to them at the top of their shriek, but they’re organized. They’ll descend on you like the fucking cavalry.

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    Comment by MonsteRawr on May 15, 2009
  12. Ali, you are afraid of people looking through your blue box. THAT is suburban ;)

    kgirls last blog post..Four for Four

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    Comment by kgirl on May 15, 2009
  13. You totally crack my shit up.

    Kaseys last blog post..Too far gone: A tale of cracks and cuticles

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    Comment by Kasey on May 15, 2009
  14. I remember your having mentioned the pernicious Mommy Mafia in your area, but black roots? Gaudy jewelry? Boring & identical handbags? This disappoints me – for some reason I’ve always thought the Canadians were above these sorts of things.

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    Comment by Legallyblondemel on May 15, 2009
  15. I may live in a small town, but you just described what I encounter every day when I pick up G from school.

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    Comment by Angella on May 15, 2009
  16. Yeah, I was going to say, just wait until you move to Atlanta… want to talk hair and coffee circles and bling? Oh, honey… ;)

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    Comment by Darcey on May 15, 2009
  17. Ali!! I’m pretty sure I went to high school with most of the moms you are talking about :) Oh, the stories I could tell. LOVE the unnecessary blackberries. Also, one time when I was a wee one being carpooled myself, there was some kind of problem between one of the ladies we carpooled with and everyone else in the carpool. My mom tried to talk things out with her, and this woman RAN. OVER. MY. MOM’S FOOT. WITH. HER. CAR. True story.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Jen on May 15, 2009
  18. Oh man. I dread the day I must carpool. My Mom dropped shit-bombs more than a few times in the carpool.:) I love her for that.

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    Comment by Kaleigha on May 15, 2009
  19. Wow. I just realized that since I moved in March — I’m now a north of 7 person!! But does it really count when you’re (way) east of Scarborough? I think I was already suburb?!

    But I would like to point out that my hair is a) not square, and b) not flatironed — but since my neighbour’s hair is both…I see your point!!

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    Comment by Cindy on May 15, 2009
  20. I beg you for a picture of the hair…. begging…on my knees.

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    Comment by Suzanne on May 15, 2009
  21. This is just too funny.
    I can totally relate.
    Great Story!!!

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    Comment by vicky on May 15, 2009
  22. This is just too funny.
    I can totally relate.
    Great Story!

    [Reply]

    Comment by vicky on May 15, 2009
  23. I jusy saw Spring Awakening last month in London. I bloody loved it. The soundtrack is bloody class too.

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    Comment by J from Ireland on May 15, 2009
  24. *giggles*

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    Comment by Katie on May 15, 2009
  25. I’m just glad my kids took the bus!
    Don’t you just LOVE the moms who hold up the school bus, (with their stop signs out and the red flashing lights) to talk to the driver for 5 f’ing minutes? GRR!!!!

    Joanies last blog post..Spin Cycle: Pets: My 3 Sons

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    Comment by Joanie on May 15, 2009
  26. Eh, I live in a pretty rural area, so outrageous bling is usually anything a one carat diamond wedding ring.

    However, I think mom-helmet hair is EVERYWHERE.

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    Comment by Loralee on May 15, 2009
  27. You don’t know how I dread those “mom” encounters … I just hate it … my middle finger sort of goes out of control put in that kind of situation, so I now decided to stay away from them: so the kids have to take the bus ;)

    carla K.s last blog post..At Carlikup’s Home Today …

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    Comment by carla K. on May 16, 2009
  28. I’m pretty sure Thornhill is a suburb too and the look is consistent all across the board, pretty much down to Eglinton, where the purses turn into Prada and the pants of choice or outlandishly expensive designer jeans.

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    Comment by Tali on May 16, 2009
  29. Thank you for explaining the North of 7! Why don’t they offer buses? I’m sure you ask yourself this question every Thursday :)

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    Comment by Heather on May 17, 2009
  30. Pretty much the same in O-town (worse Kanata). Why is it that people go in their huge SUV’s to pick up their kids, when the kids who don’t ride the bus should be able to walk home or ride their bikes…? I mean, I’ve done it and seen the Lulubells, but once in awhile – not everyday… still don’t get it.

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    Comment by ian on May 17, 2009
  31. Ok…so I used to live in Toronto, but I now live in the burbs of Chicago. And I am just laughing….it seems that the type you’re describing is everywhere….
    However, please note that the blackberry’s are NOT useless. How else can they access facebook when they’re on their coffee date?

    [Reply]

    Comment by Enna on May 17, 2009
  32. I rarely end up in carpool these days now that I’m working full time, but when I do end up there…I remember how much I hate it. Seriously hate it. And I feel guilty about it, I really do.

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    Comment by Rhea on May 17, 2009
  33. Yeah, I showed Big C the Holla Back Girl video.

    No, there’s no swearing in that AT ALL.

    No Mother Earths last blog post..Switched at Birth?

    [Reply]

    Comment by No Mother Earth on May 17, 2009
  34. This is why I’m going to buy a tiny car when my daughter is old enough to go to school. No carpooling for me!

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    Comment by Meg on May 18, 2009
  35. I’m pretty sure this is the reason my mom made me take the bus.

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    Comment by Kristabella on May 18, 2009
  36. I think I’m going to have to tape my middle finger down now to avoid just such an incident. That sucker is hard to control.

    Here’s what I can’t figure out: with all the booster seats now that go up to 70 lbs, how does carpooling even work these days? Do kids lug around their own booster seats? Or are they really sort of optional? I have a toddler – we’re pre-booster seat and carpool.

    Ozs last blog post..ToddlerVision

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    Comment by Oz on May 18, 2009
  37. Oh, north of 7. Just breaks my heart. I’m so far north of 7 that I have to drive for HOURS to even see 7!

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    Comment by Julienne on May 19, 2009
  38. Hon, any where north of Eglinton IS the burbs. Number 7, that’s the boonies.

    [Reply]

    Comment by cate on May 20, 2009
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