February 12 07

this no sleep thing is turning me very introspective. we thought we were done. knock wood, everyone was healthy. for about a minute and a half. then miss isabella decided it was time to start teething again. those eye teeth. the canines. the cuspids. she’s in so much pain. the poor kid is gnawing on anything and everything. she’s taken to shoving these giant pretzels into the hole between her teeth and biting down hard. she’s also stopped sleeping. completely. oh, the joys. we’re done having kids. trust me on this one. if my uterus ever comes begging for a new baby….i’ll just slap a good ole’ case of february 2007 in its face. that’ll show it.

anyway, on to the deep thoughts. On saturday night we went out to dinner with our friends. as we sat around the table someone pointed out that if we had done this five years ago…how different the people around the table would have been. most of them, almost all, would not have been there. we didn’t even know them 5 years ago. but i know that 5 years from now…those exact same people are going to be there. and even though Jack accused me of being drunk when we spoke about this, i know they all think the same thing. this is it. these are friends for life or longer.

i’ve spent a lot of my adult life feeling slightly out of place. uncomfortable in my own skin. uncomfortable with friends. uncomfortable with family. in high school, it was so easy. i knew exactly who my friends were. i knew who i’d eat lunch with every day. who i’d sit as assemblies with. who i’d go out with on the weekends. it was so…for lack of a better word…comfortable.

venturing out into the real world, the post high school world, where no one cares if you were the geek or you were the prom queen, no one cares if you had 1 friend or 100 friends, was not that easy. i spent a lot of time living in a new city, where i didn’t know anyone, feeling not enough. not funny enough. not smart enough. not pretty enough. not cool enough. not outgoing enough. not reserved enough. not skinny enough. not religious enough. not enough.  

it took me a really long time to get there, considering i’ll be 29 in may (so, that’s what..11 years??!!), but i’m finally feeling good enough. i’m finally at a place where i can be myself. myself. it feels good to say it. freeing, almost. and i’m happy. i’m really, truly, honest-to-goodness, deep-down-to-my-core happy.

now if only i could get some sleep…

  1. I’m happy too. Nice feeling, isn’t it!


    Comment by metro mama on February 12, 2007
  2. Amen on that. I’m the same way. I’m starting to get to the point you are at as well. And even if you were drunk when you said all of that…OH WELL. You still meant it. hahahaha

    Maybe you’ll get a lovely nap today. =)


    Comment by Anna on February 12, 2007
  3. i’ve always been different even when i was small,all the other little girls wanted to be mommies or teachers i wanted to be a gypsy.when i was a teenager i was a loner,not popular,not a lot of friends…in my early 20′s i had friends and they likeed me because i was so quirky and different.and now i couldn’t care all that much if people like me or not and am a bit of a loner again.


    Comment by LAVENDULA on February 12, 2007
  4. I have hit the age of 40 and I am still working on feeling “comfortable”. Some people never do…..and others always have.


    Comment by Iris on February 12, 2007
  5. It’s good to be happy. I’m glad you are.

    Wishing you SLEEP.


    Comment by mamatulip on February 12, 2007
  6. that’s so awesome, and inspiring for someone like me, who will be 25 in june and still has no idea how to be “myself.” honestly, i just hope and pray someday i’ll get there. the fact that you have gotten there gives me some hope. :)


    Comment by lara on February 12, 2007
  7. I totally feel ya on this. It is hard to get to know your “real” self in high school because of that. It takes a while. Those are some great points though. Very insightful. I think we all can relate. Lol. Sadly!! Ha.


    Comment by nicole on February 12, 2007
  8. Oh, good grief, I’m six years older than you! I found high school nightmarishly hard – but getting used to who I am as an adult WAS really hard. It’s so nice when you reach that place of happiness!
    And just as I was commenting on your post, you commented on mines! Great minds, my friend.


    Comment by Rebecca on February 12, 2007
  9. How wonderful that you have found comfort and happiness in just being yourself. Can’t imagine how that must feel, but hopefully one day I won’t even have to try.

    I know it’s hard to see it now, but sleep will come again. For your sake I hope it is sooner rather than later. :)

    (Thanks for stopping by my blog and saying hi!!)


    Comment by Jamie on February 12, 2007
  10. This was the best post ever – I totally know where you’re coming from with this. Totally. I’m finally hitting the point where I’m getting to understand where I’m at with all my friends. But, seriously, sometimes it’s soooo hard. And, I totally agree about the high school thing. I kind of flitted between groups, but at the end of the day I had my core group of friends and knew that they were always there. Why is it so much harder when you are an adult?
    Anyway, I, too, turn 29 in May. Weird!


    Comment by Laural on February 12, 2007
  11. hey gals i am so sorry that so many of you young women are so uncomfortable with yourselves and having so much trouble discovering who you are.you’re making me sad.i had to like myself from a young age because i was so strange compared to other children. and never fit in very well ,so have had a long time to be comfortable in my own skin.and sure sometimes don’t like myself but at my age almost always ok with who i am.


    Comment by LAVENDULA on February 12, 2007
  12. I love the introspective you, of course the price of no sleep probably does not make you love it


    Comment by Sparky Duck on February 12, 2007
  13. LOVES IT! This post makes me happy, too! :)I found that my 20s were difficult, too. It was not until I reached my 30s (and I am only 32!!!) that I became “comfortable.” I’m glad you’re feeling it finally. Glad you’re feeling like you belong because you more than do. I’m also happy we’re such great friends. :) Friends forever! ;) Corny, but true.


    Comment by Haley-O on February 12, 2007
  14. You’re a wise woman at 29, Ali. It takes most people many, many more years to figure this out.

    As for lack of sleep – you’re talkin’ to the expert!


    Comment by Jen on February 12, 2007
  15. Good to read that you have gotten into your skin, per se.

    I LOVED high school, LOATHED university with a passion and didn’t get into my “groove” till well past 30.

    I really hit my stride at 40- was finally happy with my life – great house, gorgeous beautiful kids, great job.

    I guess the only thing I am missing are my really good friends – hard to make close friends here in Perth. I guess it all comes down to actually making an effort to socialise, I suppose. Getting caught up in the whirlwind of everyday life and tasks, etc….

    Hope you get some sleep soon.


    Comment by Heidi on February 12, 2007
  16. You go!

    I love being 35. Best age ever. :)


    Comment by Stacy on February 12, 2007
  17. At 29??? At 29, I was newly married with no kids and still having friends from work (I vaguely remember work). Now I’m 44 and have moved so many times that I know I will only have one friend for life…Amy, my friend since college. I mean, I am really good at staying in touch, but I can’t help but feel the impermanence as I am establishing new friendships in new places. I’m a little tired of it…and this move to Boca was really hard…not skinny enough, no fake boobs, had never heard of Juicy Couture…talk about sitting with the wrong crowd at the lunch table!

    But as to your group…I think as you get older and have less time on your hands due to the responsibilities of children and household, you are more discerning about friendships and less likely to cultivate those friendships that are based mostly on proximity.

    I touched on this a little in my post about the funny, oh-too-true book I Hate Other People’s Kids:

    But in the meantime…here’s to good friends (tonight is kinda special)…OMG…you are too young to know what the hell I’m referring too!


    Comment by Di on February 12, 2007
  18. I met you. And you are soooo enough. It is funny how the best adults are usually the ones who were the most uncomfortable as children, as teens. Lets just say we did not ‘peak’ in high school….We peak now, as adults.

    As to the lack of sleep, come on over chez crazymumma, and you will see why I NEED to borrow her.

    Have you tried Motrin????? Hope she feels better.


    Comment by anne/crazymumma on February 12, 2007
  19. It was refreshing leaving high school with a fresh start to life! I hear ya!


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