guess who fell flat on her ass in a public bathroom at the Canon Theater last night?

just guess.

oh yeah. I am classy, yo!

We have an all-the-way-up-in-the-nosebleeds theater subscription that forces us – with our friends mike and sarah – to get out of the damn house and DO SOMETHING six times a year. We’ve seen some good shows (The Sound of Music) and we’ve seen some shit (cough. Medea. cough). Last night was The Color Purple. This is exactly what i knew about the color purple. Oprah was it. and it was directed by Steven Spielberg. um, yes, embarrassingly, that’s it. i can’t believe i’m telling you that i don’t think i’ve ever seen it (off to find me a torrent…)AND i haven’t read the book either. gah.

anyhoo. the Toronto production? FANTASTIC. i highly recommend. even if there was a slightly bizarre witnessing scene in the opening number in which i mistakenly thought that the actors were having some sort of communal seizure, and the husband had to explain to me that they were just feeling god. or something. it was his was his own fault, really. he’s the one who stopped at the Sweet Factory and hopped me all up on candy before the show. i, of course, made it through 14 minutes of the intermission before i had to pee (of course…i mean, where do you think my children get it from?) and so i raced out to do my business and raced back while they were closing the doors and didn’t want to miss any purpley goodness (i mean, did i mention that LaToya London was in it? yes, the american idol one) and so i was scurrying.

and then i fell. i am PRAYING (hell, i would even witness) that what i slipped on was WATER and not, um, you know, urine. because, um, hello panic attack.

i am a walking disaster.

do you need more proof of this?

well, yesterday was the Jewish holiday of Purim, which, in simplest explanations is basically, to quote my favorite Mean Girl Cady,  the one night a year when Jewish girls can dress like total sluts and no other girls can say anything about it. oh, and there’s lots of candy. and then more candy. and lots of men get shit-faced drunk, which, i don’t know, hi? i’m 30…shit-faced drunk is NO LONGER COOL.

not surprisingly, i HATE this holiday. i used to be super good at it. i was able to get all my shit together. the kids had GOOD costumes, even if they wore these in 2006 AND 2007…i’m totally GREEN, kids! reusing!

nowadays, i’m lucky if the kids make it out of the house in more than just a button down and underwear (although if i throw in some white tube socks, Josh can totally be Joel Goodsen next year)

well, this year i couldn’t find Isabella’s Abby Cadabby wand. so, she went as Remy from Ratatouille. yes, i realize this movie was made popular in 2007, a full TWO years ago…but WHAT THE FUCK EVER, she was the cutest rat ever in the history of rats. and i couldn’t convince Miss Emily to wear her Sharpay costume because that Sharpay dress is SOOOO High School Musical 1. so, i allowed her to borrow my earrings and wear one of my dresses and take the reigns to plan her own costume…

and oh. my.god. she’s Lauren Conrad.

i know.

i don’t even know why she likes her so much. i mean, she’s a quasi-fashion designer and a quasi-author and a total Hills quitter…but apparently, without me knowing, Emily has been STREAMING the show on the computer.

off to set some parental controls, STAT!

but, lo! behold! the Martell Family Purim costumes, circa 2009

fine…one out of three ain’t bad.

just don’t be surprised if you see Josh reusing his Optimus Prime costume for purim 2010.

don’t judge.