I talked a little bit about tattoos over at Juice this week, because in the same way that Oscar red carpets have their goods, their bads, and their “OMG HOW IN THE HELL DID SHE THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA”s, so do tattoos. Only, you know, they are a little more permanent. When the Academy Awards are over and everyone sobers up and starts eating again, they can just take the dress off and try NOT to get on any worst dressed lists at the next big awards ceremony. With a tattoo, it doesn’t exactly work that way.

Which is why I spend way too much time imagining my tattoo. Because it has to my perfect. MY TATTOO.

You know, the one I’ll never get.

No, I won’t. I know I won’t.

The first issue is that I don’t have that one thing that screams to me. I am not passionate about one thing, I am passionate about many things. Music, history, love, books, photography, um, cookies?

The second issue is, well, have you ever been to a restaurant with me? I’m the girl who is always last and then when the waiter is all, “Ma’am, have you decided?” I’m still all, “Yeah, I’m going to need another minute. Also, why did you just call me Ma’am? Is it because of the crow’s feet?” You see? I can’t even decide if I want the chicken or the pasta. How could I possibly make a decision that will live on my body for the rest of my days?

And then there’s the Jewish guilt. Jewish children are raised with their mothers’ shrill voices constantly reminding them that oy, bubbeleh, you can’t be buried in a Jewish cemetery if you have a tattoo! But it’s actually NOT TRUE. You hear me, Mom? It’s not true. Yes, according to torah law, you are not supposed to get a tattoo. But, according to torah law, there are all sorts of other things you are not supposed to do either. Also, while we are getting technical, the actual biblical words say “You shall not print any marks in your flesh, I am G-d,” and according to the big head-honcho rabbis, the reasoning for this is because it resembles the practices of idol worshippers, which, WHAT? Idol worshipping?

And yet.

There’s my mother’s voice again.

But, I often think about it. I see something that really hits me.

A quote.

Where words fail, music speaks

Isn’t that amazing? It’s a Hans Christian Anderson quote.

Immerse your soul in love

Gah. Every time I hear this Radiohead lyric, I can just see it in tattoo form, sitting ever-so-lovely on my right hipbone.

A symbol.

An anchor.

The first letters of my children’s names, written in a nice Hebrew font.

NOT, you know, something what Ed Westwick has..

Dude, is he serious? I mean, not only has he tattooed a PIN UP GIRL on his arm, but he felt the need to add the words SHE’S A PINUP above her, as what? A way of explanation? In case he forgets when he sobers up? I am so confused. So very confused.

Chuck Bass would never get a tattoo this heinous.

Perhaps THAT should be his next one.