Now that my beloved Packers are out of the playoffs, I realize I need something to do with my time. The truth is, if I’m being honest, the Packers played like sweaty balls out there on Sunday and did not deserve to win that game. All hail the New York Giants for stepping up their game and getting it done. I will be cheering for them this playoff season while I wait for next season. Hopefully, in the off season, my boys will figure out that you don’t come off of a glorious season only to lose it in the playoffs.

Anyway, enough about football. (Insert whatever weeping emoticon the kids are using these days.)

The real challenge today is the BATTLE OF THE ICONIC ’80s MOVIES where I, once and for all, decide while one of the movies that shaped me reigns supreme.

It’s going to be tough, I tell you. Who I am today is 1000% because of those movies. The movies I recorded on an old VCR tape, praying that the constant rewinding and playing wouldn’t break the black tape. The movies I can act out, scene-by-scene, line-by-line.

The movies that made dancing dirty, made the artsy, offbeat boys sexy, made the foreign exchange students hilarious. The movies that made skipping school easy, made detention an awesome way to spend a Saturday, made it possible to make a person with a computer and a Barbie doll.

We wanted Baby to do the lift. We wanted to like Andie’s homemade prom dress. We wanted Samantha’s parents to remember her birthday. We wanted to know the sausage king of Chicago. We wanted to Marty to get to 88 miles per hour. We wanted to hear the punchline of John Bender’s joke. We wanted to hear about last night…We wanted to wax on, wax off. We wanted to blow birthday candles out on our dining room table. We wanted to have a drink at St. Elmo’s Bar. We wanted to put lipstick on with our cleavage. We wanted to carry a watermelon. We wanted to learn the African Anteater Ritual. We wanted to never let anyone put Baby in a corner. We wanted our two dollars. We wanted to make like a tree…and get out of here. We wanted to give out panties to help a geek. We wanted Mr. Vernon to know that Barry Manilow raided his wardrobe. We wanted to know if someone has six fingers on his right hand. We wanted to not buy, sell or process anything.

What’s the magic formula for picking a favorite, you ask?

Well, I will tell you, even though I totally and completely made it up on the fly about fourteen minutes ago, but let’s go with it, shall we?

Most quotable/memorable lines + most attractive leading men (or ladies) + most satisfying ending = BEST. (Bonus points for a good soundtrack and cheese factor.)

So, for example, Karate Kid, while this movie holds the heck up today, it has only a few memorable/quotable lines, has Daniel Larusso and Johnny Lawrence (meh and meh), but has a satisfying ending. It cannot be the favorite.

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off: Highly quotable (I may go out on a limb and say that it’s the MOST quotable), but, well, sadly, Charlie Sheen was the best looking part of the movie. Ending was satisfying. Also? Chicago!

The Breakfast Club: Quote quotient is through the roof. Cast is hard to beat. End is awesome. Bonus soundtrack points!

Some Kind of Wonderful: Lines + ERIC STOLTZ + wildly satisfying ending + decent soundtrack + the kissing scene.

Weird Science: This one is out of the running. Mostly because of Chet Donnelly.

Back to the Future: Quotes, quotes and more quotes.

Better Off Dead: See Weird Science. Replace Chet Donnelly with Charles De Mar. End scene.

Sixteen Candles: Quotes…yes! Hotness factor…high! Satisfying ending…indeed! JAKE RYAN.

Dirty Dancing: Bonus points for it being a period piece—swoon. Also, they discuss Alfa Romeos (“That’s my favorite car!”) and the scene where Baby and Johnny get it on it hot.

Pretty in Pink: When you have Duckie in a movie, obviously the quotes are going to be there. The ending kills this one for me—I’m not sure it’s right. Sometimes I want Duckie to win Andie’s heart, and sometimes I’m on team Blane. I kind of just wish his name wasn’t Blane. Also, Andie’s dress. Good lord, her dress.

St. Elmo’s Fire: Two words: ROB LOWE PLAYING A SAX. Okay fine, that’s more than two, but it’s Rob Lowe playing a sax, my math skills are a little cloudy.

Say Anything: He gave her his heart; she gave him a pen.

You can feel free to use this super scientific formula for yourselves.

Warning: Results may vary.

Winner: Sixteen Candles, with clear nods to both Some Kind of Wonderful and Dirty Dancing. 

The end.

What’s your favorite angsty ’80s movie?