if you’ve ever read this site before, you know that i have no issues making fun of myself. you know i tell you when i stick my ass through wicker chairs, and when i say ‘sweet the lick’ and when i have to pee in McDonald’s coffee cups because i’m stuck on a bridge at the border and am wearing lululemons that are pressing on my pee button and there’s no end in sight. see…i’m all about the self-mock. i can take it.
and i’ve got another good one for you today. although, this one goes back a couple of years. to 2002. the year i decided to get pregnant for the second time. and coincidentally, the same year my sister AND my brother decided to get married. lucky me. pregnant at TWO siblings weddings in the same summer. (yes, i’m still bitter) and for my sister’s, lucky me, i got crowned slapped in the face with the title of “matron of honor” which denotes a certain whale-ish and old-ish image right there now, doesn’t it? so, being 5 months pregnant didn’t help things. at all.
anyway….so, here i was, with my princessgorgeousstunning sister of mine.
and just for shits and giggles, you can have the full body shot. there’s me, 5 months pregnant. in my fucking matron-of-honor gown. that was three sizes too big. because, if there’s one thing i’m good at, predicting how LARGE i will be 4 months in the future isn’t one of them. so we guessed. and we guessed but WRONG. the dress? too small in the boob area…so i had to wear this lovely piece of, um, spandex underneath to SUCK those puppies in. the dress? too big everywhere else. i needed an empathy belly…
but, we haven’t even come to the embarrassing part yet.
i was asked forced to make a speech. remember, this was pre-30 ali…ali who wouldn’t be able to make a speech in public. now, i would NAIL it. for the record. but, since i didn’t prepare anything. fuck. why didn’t i prepare anything. it was not the time to get all high and mighty..”i’ll just wing it! it will be great!”
and since i didn’t have my very own wedding crashers to help me…
i went out. completely unprepared. trying to hold my dress up over my gigantenormous bosoomas. trying not to look at all the eyes staring at me.
and then i started rambling. about how much i love my sister. because she’s awesome. (i’m sure i used that word once or 40 times) because she stayed with me when my grandparents LEFT me in a McDonald’s parking lot because i slammed my hand down on a ketchup packet and watched and laughed as it sprayed all over the people beside us (true story)
so, it was nice. and i should have stopped. but, i couldn’t. and then i said something about how i’m glad she found someone who could put up with her. and then i started crying.
and then it went dark.
but, i didn’t faint. but i sure as hell wish i had. it was my memory that went dark. i have NO idea what happened after that. the only thing i remember was REALLY needing a drink. but i was pregnant.
and, friends, that is why you should NEVER ask an irritable, hot whale to give an unprepared speech at a wedding.