It’s at times like these that I really miss having a dedicated place to write about pop culture, because the new fall tv season is barely underway and I already have way too many thoughts to overshare. Because, really, I must talk about Survivor and not just because the world is right again now that my boyfriend Jeff Probst and his blue shirts are back on my screen. No, we need to talk about the Jesse-Eisenberg wannabe superfan who calls himself COCHRANE. Really? Like, I’m not being punk’d here…this is REAL? Since when did reality tv show contestants decide that there’s absolutely no reason to be skilled as wilderness boys and can just come out to the south pacific and win playing what they refer to as a “social game” even though they say that they are plagued with insecurity. For example, COCHRANE (giggle), did you not realize that you were—at some point in the game—going to have to get in the water? I mean, come on, you are skinny and no you are not built like Ozzy but, dude, get the eff over it and just get in the water. ALSO, I thought contestants had to pass some sort of “I’M NOT CRAZY” psychological testing before being tossed into the wild with other people. I’m thinking that LOCO HANTZ, otherwise known—to himself— as Hilter’s nephew, somehow cheated on his Survivor entrance exams, because that dude is off his rocker. Also, he creepily stares at women even though God told him not to. I don’t see this ending well at all.

And all of this talk of Jeff Probst and Jesse Eisenberg has led this post onto a completely different path than I had originally intended, but I like it, so let’s go with it, because JEFF PROBST. You know where we are headed, right? Straight into the uglyhots. They are, by definition, the unconventional crushes that don’t exactly fit into the mold of the typical people who show up on MY LIST (you know, the list where The Hamm sits right on top). This isn’t the first time I have mentioned having some rather interesting choices. Remember when I went on and on and on about Jesse Eisenberg’s hoodies and you all jumped right in to tell me that I was Loco Hantz crazy because there’s nothing sexy about him. Well, sexy is certainly in the eye of the beholder.

And this is who this beholder thinks is sexy, even if you don’t:

Jesse Eisenberg

Jeff Probst

Adrien Brody

Sean Penn

Eric Stoltz

Johnny Knoxville and Bam Margera (but only together; not separately)

Ed Harris

I make no apologies..and yes, can offer you nothing by way of explanation.

Who is on YOUR uglyhot list?