Because my kids can be bullies and because they really don’t care about how probable heat exhaustion makes me feel and because they were pretty much against the idea that going out for brunch on Father’s Day would be grand, somehow we ended up packing a backpack full of bathing suits and changes of clothing and bottles of Coppertone (60 SPF!) and our refillable Snoopy drink containers and towels and we signed up for another day in the sun. The truth is that even though I absolutely loathe water parks, spending a few free hours at Splash Works is kind of the greatest way to spend a Sunday. I refuse to go on water slides (because I hate them) but I am pleased as punch to hang out on the lazy river or at the wave pool. I imagine we will be spending a good portion of our weekends here for the next little while. (Dear rain, PLEASE TO STAY AWAY.)

The only problem with spending the day at the water park is all of the other people who are also spending the day at the water park, especially the BIKINI ABUSERS. So, as I am apt to do, I took my talents to twitter.

Now, a few of you were quick to jump on me all “HEY! Aren’t you all about swimsuit confidence? Didn’t you put on a bathing suit and allow full-body photographs of you in said bathing suit to go up on Curvy Girl Guide? What’s up with that, ALI?” But those of you who said that failed to see my seconds-later follow-up tweet.

I am a huge fan of swimsuit confidence, and if you want to throw on a bathing suit and go out in public and feel comfortable in that bathing suit, you can be a size 0 or a size 20 for all I care…I think it’s wonderful. Wonderful, that is, as long as you take one thing into account:

APPROPRIATENESS.

I don’t care what size you are…the following things are NOT appropriate for a family water park:

Nipples, if you have a vagina.

Pubic hair of any kind.

Bum crack.

String bikinis.

Ed Hardy bikinis.

Anything you might see on one of the girls from Jersey Shore.

Anything that does not properly contain your boobs or your junk when you are chasing children around.

This:

You can see where I am going with this, right?

I saw things at Canada’s Wonderland on Sunday that I will never be able to unsee.

My children saw things at Canada’s Wonderland on Sunday that THEY will never be able to unsee.

Won’t someone think of the children?